Posted by fallsfall on October 19, 2004, at 9:08:05
In reply to Re: Urge Plan Tools Suicide » Larry Hoover, posted by corafree on October 19, 2004, at 3:48:23
Hi Corafree,
I hope that you are feeling a little hope today.
You have said a couple of things that I wanted to ask you about...
>>>in hospital care, I would not be allowed to take my pain medication
I have been in psych hospitals and my experience is that they *do* want you to take the medication that you usually take. They would not want you to be in physical pain along with your emotional pain. As long as what you are taking has a Dr. prescription or is over-the-counter (and you are following label directions), I can't see why they wouldn't let you take it.
>>>He let me lie beside him, cry about daughter dejecting me for her newborn and the father, cry about no one loving me (not explaining the rejection by the new door-slammer), cry about financial no-win situation and putting my other daughter in poorhouse, cry about growing old alone, cry about being bad.
First, I'm glad that you had the strength to ask for help. It would be nice if you had some alternatives to your abusive ex, but it sounds like for that moment, it was a helpful choice for you to make. It takes courage to ask for help - be proud of yourself for doing so.
You have a new grandchild!! That is exciting, but I can tell that you are very hurt by your daughter's reaction. I'm a little confused, though. Has she refused to see you? to let you meet your grandchild? Or did I see something about you offering to watch the baby when she goes back to work? Remember that your daughter is going through a lot right now, and she might not be her most logical self. Can you let us know more about this situation?
I certainly know how it feels to think that noone loves me. I have a habit of seeing things in black or white (they even call this black and white thinking) - things are all or nothing. Either I'm fine, or I'm completely awful. Either I am loved, or noone loves me. I am trying (very hard, boy is this hard for me) to see that things usually aren't all one way or all another. If you ever think this way (they call it a "cognitive distortion") then maybe this is one of those times. From what you have written on this board, your youngest daughter loves you. So there is one! That means that "noone loves you" isn't true (sorry, I'm a Math major...) - because she does. You may not have the love that you want from all of the people who you wish would love you, but you *DO* have her love. Sometimes I find that I have to hold on to things like that to make it through. Can you call your youngest daughter and talk to her on the phone? Or is her husband at home (he seems supportive of you, too)?
The door slammer - I don't quite know what to think of him - you haven't given us many details. If he is a good man, but just got angry, then he could be wonderful. People can get angry without hating you. People can get angry and then get over it. For me, my black and white thinking would get involved with this, too. I would say "He slammed the door and is angry. Therefore he hates me and will never be a good companion for me". That view is probably a bit extreme. Whether this argument can be gotten over depends on who you are, who he is, and how your relationship works. Do you have a "gut feel" about this guy?
Finances and putting your daughter in the poor house... This is a complicated one, too. Are you working? Do you have health insurance? Your daughter would not be helping you if she didn't want to. I can understand that you want to be self sufficient, but sometimes that takes a little time. Can you accept that just for now you need her help? As you get stronger, you can work on a plan to become more self sufficient. All of us need help at one time or another. I am on SSDI now - I wish that I could work and support myself, but right now I can't. There have been many times when my parents have given me money - I wish I didn't have to take it, and I'm working towards a time when I don't have to, but for right now, I need some help. And that's OK. It sounds like you need some help, too. That's OK, too.
Growing old alone... Things can change in the future. You met the door slammer, didn't you? You didn't know him before. Perhaps you will meet someone else? I don't have a significant other now (I was married for 19 1/2 years), but I do have some wonderful friends. People are out there who want to get to know you. It can be really hard to do the "social" thing (I fight this every day), but slowly, over time, you can meet people who will keep you from feeling so alone. You already did - you found us!!
"Crying about being bad". Boy, does this strike a nerve with me! Even though I know that I do have good qualities, I still feel like I am bad/evil/incompetent/failure most of the time. It is so painful to feel this way. I have been able to see that I do have *some* good qualities. But it is really hard to see that. One thing that helps me sometimes is when someone says to me "Based on what you have learned in your life, I can see why you feel that way (or I can see why you did what you did)" We *do* do things for a reason. It may not always be clear to the outside world (or even to us) why we do what we do, but there *is* a reason. I'm guessing that you aren't a bad person (you have too much compassion in your writing for me to think you are a bad person)... But I know that it is sometimes really hard to believe this ourselves.
Perfection - don't get me started on perfection. I am really trying to believe that I demand more of myself than the world does. That the world is really more forgiving than I am. Just because he slammed the door doesn't mean that you did anything *wrong*... nor, even if you did behave in a way that you wish you didn't, that you can't change things in the future.
>>>My children just don't want me to go away.
This is the reason to keep trying, to ask for help. They don't want you to go away. And you don't want to miss seeing them be the wonderful people they are.
Sometimes things can look very, very dark. Please reach out for help. If you don't have a therapist, please try to start seeing one. If this seems hard, tell us why it is hard, we have each been through our own struggles, maybe we would have a suggestion that will help.
poster:fallsfall
thread:35310
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041016/msgs/404671.html