Posted by jay on October 4, 2003, at 5:46:46
In reply to Please help me understand my husband, posted by JJC on October 3, 2003, at 6:55:27
Hi JJC...glad you are feeling better.
Sadly, men in our society have been deeply socialized to "keep it all in", in particular in emotional times. (Me being a guy too..well I kinda know..heh.)I *don't* believe this is a "manly" thing, but something our society has passed on with the idea men are like "rocks", not to show feelings, etc. Actually getting them to open and talk is a great thing, and try to schedule it if you can numerous times through the week. Inside, you may likely find a shy, sensitive little boy that resides in most men, but again our socialization teaches us and reinforces "machoism". Plus, being orphaned (my father was one...lots of personal experience) there may be many issues there, especially around insecurity that could lead to depression. It's gonna take a lot of working, and talking to develop that open bond between you two to it's potential. I don't mean to sound arrogant, but as a former counsellor in both addictions and mental health, I have seen so many men who have such depth and compassion, yet have a hard time bringing it up, processing it, and expressing it. Especially when someone is very depressed, and also very anxiety ridden. Men tend to express their anxiety through worries about money, job...practical things. It then becomes a vicious circle, because the more they worry, the more they clam up. I've seen this on such a repetitive basis it often feels like I am reading the same chapter from a book again and again.
So, my best advice, keep talking..keep him talking. Set out formal time during the week for it, and don't let your schedule shift. You will be absolutely amazed at the power of this, I can almost guarantee it. Then you will see other things around your relationship change. (Geezz..I am doing the Dr. Phil thing..lol!)
Baby steps...sometimes there will be two steps back with one forward. Just...whatever you can do...keep talking!
Best wishes,
Jay
poster:jay
thread:264954
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031002/msgs/265455.html