Posted by mair on May 28, 2001, at 7:46:31
In reply to Re: Redirected: Relying on meds » Mair, posted by SLS on May 27, 2001, at 2:23:52
> Scott
I used to post under the name of ksvt. Aren't you the guy who's been through an unimaginable number of meds changes? I've always admired your attitude, and during a few particularly low periods when I was either contemplating meds changes or undergoing them, your story has been a source of inspiration.
It was very interesting to read your post and Shelli's. Shelli says I think, that those friendships haven't languished as much as I may think, and they can be rejuvenated fairly easily. You seem to be saying, look forward not backward, forget about the lost friendships and look forward to new ones. (I hope I'm paraphrasing reasonably correctly). This does hold a certain allure. The conclusion I draw from what has happened with some friendships, is just that it is an indication of how bad i was with "friend relationships" to begin with. It's definitely less punitive to think instead of new friendships and the infinite possibilies for the future. Unfortunately, the wall between me and my friends was there before I got depressed and I have no reason to think that it won't be there after (if?) I achieve a firmer, more lasting remission. Maybe I should draw some hope from the fact that I'm real tired of my pretense. I would rather be more honest this time around.
BTW - you seemed to have fun with the friend that you reconnected with. Why do you think you never heard from him again and why didn't you try to contact him?
Mair
Hi Mair.
>
> I just walked in the door and decided to get my fix of PB before going to bed.
>
> I really don't know where this post belongs, but I'll head in the direction suggested by Dr. Bob.
>
> After reading your post, I couldn't help but to want to respond to it somehow. I am unfamiliar with your posts, probably because I so rarely peer around the corner into Psycho-Social-Babbleland. Unfortunately, your words and those of Jane ring true for me also. Damned if the things that are so laborious or impossible for me while I am depressed don't become effortless when the depression has remitted. I can't help but to smile and shake my head to watch how difficult some things are for healthy people that for me have become so easy. I feel so free and so strong. It hardly makes sense to me that these same things can again become so mammoth and overwhelming once I relapse and am once again crushed under the oppressive weight of the altered state of consciousness that is depression.
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> > I've taken and am taking meds which do make a difference,
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> Me too.
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> > but these are by no means miracle drugs and I can get very deeply depressed in spite of them.
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> I am fortunate enough to have experienced brief periods of time (sometimes a few hours, sometimes a few days or weeks, and once a few months) for which the word "miracle" applies well to the drugs I was taking at the time. My god... From these instances, I have been shown how rich and fulfilling an experience life can be for me. I have no doubt that I am blessed with gifts that will allow me to self-actualize and cultivate peak experiences. I don't need no MDMA to attain a state of ecstasy. For me, ecstasy will simply be a life in the altered state of consciousness that is remission of depression. I ain't asking for much. Just free me from depression. I'll do the rest. Building things with hard work can be so rewarding, and is often a lot of fun. Yeah, I know. Plenty of things are going to suck too. They just won't suck as much as they would if I were depressed at the same time.
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> Talk about babbling... jeesh.
>
>
> > Because of this, experimenting with other meds is pretty scary to me. There is the issue of whether they'll work and how I'll feel if they don't work (this is the worry that comes with feeling that one more possible alternative has been taken away from you - these opportunities are frightenly finite).
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> Bullseye. Bullseye. Bullseye.
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> Your worry betrays your logical mind. Logic can be a real liability sometimes, if not a total pain in the ass. Ignorance is bliss?
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> > There's also the issue of how miserable the side effects will be, how long you'll have to endure them before you have any clue whether the drug is even going to be worth staying on. The last issue maybe is how your experimentation will interfere with normal functioning in the meantime.
> >
> > When you're depressed or undergoing difficult drug changes, it's pretty impossible to keep up with friendships - there is, for me, a natural inclination to isolate myself. I've had to grieve the loss of several friendships that have dissipated from lack of nurturing. I'm not sure I know a way around it and I've never felt comfortable trying to explain why I've disappeared.
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> It seems like I am looking in a mirror.
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> > Of course this produces a lot of guilt. I'd love to hear how other people deal with this.
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> Acceptance and grieving through catharsis was a very important step for me in dealing with what my illness has done to my life and my relationships with the people who were once a part of it. I have had to let go of one who was my best friend, my best man, and whom I loved enough such that I was prevented from killing myself because it meant having to leave him. It was not my father nor mother nor sister nor brother nor grandmother nor dog. It was my best friend who I cried for. At that time, it had been perhaps five years that we hadn't spoken. I have seen him only on those occasions when my depression remitted. Unfortunately, it was I who had to seek him out. I did so within a few days of the arrival of improvement. I needed to act quickly, given the brevity of previous "awakenings". The last time I sought him out, I remained partially, but substantially improved for about two weeks. We did a lot of different things together during this time. Regardless of how many years separated our reunions, it always seemed like we had just seen each other yesterday. It was like we had never been apart. Funny thing though. Because he had really only known me as the depressed Scott (my depression began to emerge by age 10 or 11), he was meeting the real Scott for the first time. One day, out of nowhere, while we were talking about something of little significance, he said to me, "You know, I really like you." I was a bit surprised and taken back by this, but I understood it completely. Actually, I must also reintroduce myself to my own family. I have to be careful that they not be too overwhelmed by this new force of nature. :-) To them, an unfamiliar personality with an unrealized energy and effectiveness has emerged. Anyway, getting back to my best lost best friend, it was during this period of remission that I scolded him for not calling me. He told me he didn't call because he thought that I wouldn't want him to while I was so sick. I assured him that I did want him to call. That was four, no, five years ago. I haven't spoken to him since.
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> I have arrived at a new place with all of this. I am not 100% responsible for the development of gulfs between myself and other people whom I was close to. Yes, it is the depression that has precipitated a chain of events. No, the chain of events is not preordained and without the participation of other human beings with free will. Yes, it is tragic. No, it is not your choice to be depressed, and you are not responsible for its consequences. When I awaken next, it is my intention to follow a path that I build for myself forward rather than attempt to walk backwards in an attempt to arrive at a point in time and space that no longer exists. I don't want to follow someone else's path and try to catch up with them. I owe to no one the reestablishment of a relationship. I have no old friends that I feel a responsibility to communicate with. I owe only to myself the making of connections that are best for me in the present and is to enhance my future, even if none of them are to be with those that I once had them with. It will be for me a rebirth of sorts. Ah, the excitement of the exploration and building of the new... I can't wait!
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> I hope I've related to you the sorts things you were interested in.
>
>
> - Scott
poster:mair
thread:6181
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010526/msgs/6206.html