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Re: Want to quit, but do I need to 'fess up, first? » Marie Box

Posted by lingonberry on May 5, 2010, at 10:18:03

In reply to Re: Want to quit, but do I need to 'fess up, first?, posted by Marie Box on May 5, 2010, at 2:35:43

Mrrrhhhghh. Everyone always suggest bringing something in writing. I did that to a psychiatrist once, and she basically just told me she didn't have the time to address any of it, and I was really embarrassed. I confessed a lot that I had never told anyone else, and so I felt really dismissed when she wouldn't go through it.

Sorry you have to go through this. That sucks! Really! It was not an appropriate way to handle the situation. I know it hurts but her lack of interest has nothing to do with you. Dont interpret that as a proof of your needs being bad or wrong, because they are not.

On top of that, my therapist has never once suggested that I write something down and bring it into session. She never suggests ANYthing. At the beginning, she would give me some therapy "homework," but now she has completely stopped doing that. She is very non-directive, only "suggesting" things to talk about if I tell her in a session beforehand that I want her to. It drives me crazy, but I don't want to say anything because I don't want to talk about myself or let her know that I care. I'm afraid that by asking I'm going to "reveal" all of this stuff about myself to her. I'm basically paranoid that I have no defenses against her other than silence, flat affect, and feigned detachment. I know that this is very all-or-nothing but I am afraid of--what? I don't know. Why would I care if she knows me? Why do I feel this need to hide and protect myself?

Therapists have different approaches. My T is also very non-directive. I think most T´s in the psychodynamic fields are. Its not like regular counselling or coaching. They want you to listen to your self, to observe whats going on inside of you when you dont get what you need. Probably, you have not got what you needed from your parents and thats the reason you are in therapy. You are afraid of your needs, remembering deep inside what happened in the past when you expressed them. But your T will NOT meet you in the same way as your parent did. Therefore, you have to acknowledge your needs, talk about them with your T, telling her that you feel ashamed of having those needs and that you are afraid that no one will ever listening to you or satisfy them. She will be thrilled if you will be able to speak up. Our needs are not wrong, our parents way of handling our needs was wrong. Not the needs per se. Thats what you have to learn in therapy.

I know that I am acting out some. I lie, and skip sessions, and self-injure. But I keep going to see her. It's so stupid. I'm afraid to confront and be confronted.

You are not stupid. I think youre afraid. The little child within you are so afraid of meeting her parents again if she express her need to T, ie. of being rejected again. We are so primed for rejection and disaster. Its okay to be afraid. I did that too. I was SO afraid of trusting my T. I had a tremendous resistance to become dependent on him. But you can trust your T. She cares about you, even if you yet dont realize it.

I also read about psychology and psychotherapy all. the. freakin'. time. Why do I do this? I waste, seriously, like 2-7 hours per day researching stuff. Sometimes it feels compulsive. I don't want to tell her what I think about it though because I don't want to tell her what I feel is the truth and then be wrong. It hurts too badly.

Me too! Before I learned to trust my T I checked up on him by learning about what to expect from psychotherapy, so I know he did the right thing. LOL. For me, it was about control. I had a feeling of being out of control, not being able to defend myself; I couldn´t trust my gut feelings, fear of confrontation and so on. I think I have read almost anything worth knowing about Psychotherapy. Its pretty exhausting.

I have no idea how much my therapist knows about all of this. She must know that SOMETHING is going on. Gah. Why won't she say anything? Why is she so non-directive? Why doesn't she ask me why I do things that she MUST notice that I do, such as avoid expressing sadness or embarrassment, or refuse to pick a topic for session, or whatever. What is she waiting for? This total lack of direction and input wasn't her style in the past; I don't understand why it changed. I wish I had the guts to ask her :( I hate this :(

I think she is acting this way out of concern for you. She knows you are afraid. Trust me, she knows and she respects you enough to not rip you off your defence. It takes a lot from a T to just sit still in the boat while watching a client hurting themselves, knowing that you will go on until you are ready to take a deep look at yourself and start to talk to your T. She is still with you, arent she?´She is listening to you, caring about you but you need to se that.

Maybe you can start to tell your T that you have something you need to talk to her about, but you are so embarrassed or afraid and ask her for helping you and see whats happening. Or, maybe you need a T with a different approach. Only you can know.

I hope things will work out for you!

Take care!

Lingonberry

 

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