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Re: Want to quit, but do I need to 'fess up, first? » Marie Box

Posted by workinprogress on May 6, 2010, at 1:03:04

In reply to Re: Want to quit, but do I need to 'fess up, first?, posted by Marie Box on May 5, 2010, at 2:35:43

> Mrrrhhhghh. Everyone always suggest bringing something in writing. I did that to a psychiatrist once, and she basically just told me she didn't have the time to address any of it, and I was really embarrassed. I confessed a lot that I had never told anyone else, and so I felt really dismissed when she wouldn't go through it.

Oh Marie... I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug! I so understand and empathize with so much of what you wrote. Clearly, given what others have said, this is all such a natural part of the process and not "unusual" or "weird" or "wrong". But I for one remember really worrying about all that. I really was very afraid of the relationship... very confused by what I was feeling... and felt very alone. My friends wouldn't understand and I didn't trust my T enough to talk to her openly. So guess what... I read all kinds of psychotherapy stuff too! And I found this board. I'm glad you're here....

>
> On top of that, my therapist has never once suggested that I write something down and bring it into session. She never suggests ANYthing. At the beginning, she would give me some therapy "homework," but now she has completely stopped doing that. She is very non-directive, only "suggesting" things to talk about if I tell her in a session beforehand that I want her to. It drives me crazy, but I don't want to say anything because I don't want to talk about myself or let her know that I care. I'm afraid that by asking I'm going to "reveal" all of this stuff about myself to her. I'm basically paranoid that I have no defenses against her other than silence, flat affect, and feigned detachment. I know that this is very all-or-nothing but I am afraid of--what? I don't know. Why would I care if she knows me? Why do I feel this need to hide and protect myself?


I just got done with a yoga class. They said "the pain you feel is weakness leaving your body". I think you could connect that to therapy too... I can be a very painful process, but it makes you stronger, in less pain, and more able to handle pain in the future. The more you can talk to your T about what you're feeling, your questions, your concerns.. the better. I find that my best, most useful and healing conversations are when we talk about "us" and what's going on between us and in my head. Being able to not filter is so helpful, but it takes TIME and patience to build that trust. Initially, I found reading my journals really helped a lot.

>
> I know that I am acting out some. I lie, and skip sessions, and self-injure. But I keep going to see her. It's so stupid. I'm afraid to confront and be confronted.


You're not stupid. You're afraid. Being open and honest and vulnerable with someone is scary, very scary. But, your therapist is on your team. The more you can share with her what's going on inside, the more she can help you do what's most kind for yourself. One thing I always have to remind myself... they can't read our minds. They seem magical, but they actually can't do that... ;)

>
> I also read about psychology and psychotherapy all. the. freakin'. time. Why do I do this? I waste, seriously, like 2-7 hours per day researching stuff. Sometimes it feels compulsive. I don't want to tell her what I think about it though because I don't want to tell her what I feel is the truth and then be wrong. It hurts too badly.


I'm still learning this one... but my T says there isn't right and wrong- no secret rulebook that she's holding. But, it sounds like researching therapy is a very common pastime amongst us therapy goers (I find it relieving to hear that too!!!)... I think Lingonberry is onto something in saying it's about "checking up on" our Ts... and trying to equalize the power a little bit. They have a LOT of power. My T reminds me of that (and how very careful she is with it) from time to time. It makes sense to me that we want to know what's going on in this mysterious process.

>
> I have no idea how much my therapist knows about all of this. She must know that SOMETHING is going on. Gah. Why won't she say anything? Why is she so non-directive? Why doesn't she ask me why I do things that she MUST notice that I do, such as avoid expressing sadness or embarrassment, or refuse to pick a topic for session, or whatever. What is she waiting for? This total lack of direction and input wasn't her style in the past; I don't understand why it changed. I wish I had the guts to ask her :( I hate this :(
>


I know... it's SO hard to get up the courage to start these conversations. But, I can almost guarantee you you'll feel better when you do. I found so much comfort and relief in those conversations. The stories I made up in my head were torture. Not only were my conversations with my T not torture, they were healing. I replayed them in my head over and over again. They were like a healing salve for my self-inflicted wounds. I know it's hard to believe. And believe me, I know how scary it is.... but I can't encourage you enough to have the conversation with her- maybe just a piece at a time- about some of the things you're said here.


(((((Marie Box)))))))))

 

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