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Re: Want to quit, but do I need to 'fess up, first?

Posted by Marie Box on May 5, 2010, at 2:35:43

In reply to Re: Want to quit, but do I need to 'fess up, first? » Marie Box, posted by Dinah on May 3, 2010, at 6:55:16

Mrrrhhhghh. Everyone always suggest bringing something in writing. I did that to a psychiatrist once, and she basically just told me she didn't have the time to address any of it, and I was really embarrassed. I confessed a lot that I had never told anyone else, and so I felt really dismissed when she wouldn't go through it.

On top of that, my therapist has never once suggested that I write something down and bring it into session. She never suggests ANYthing. At the beginning, she would give me some therapy "homework," but now she has completely stopped doing that. She is very non-directive, only "suggesting" things to talk about if I tell her in a session beforehand that I want her to. It drives me crazy, but I don't want to say anything because I don't want to talk about myself or let her know that I care. I'm afraid that by asking I'm going to "reveal" all of this stuff about myself to her. I'm basically paranoid that I have no defenses against her other than silence, flat affect, and feigned detachment. I know that this is very all-or-nothing but I am afraid of--what? I don't know. Why would I care if she knows me? Why do I feel this need to hide and protect myself?

I know that I am acting out some. I lie, and skip sessions, and self-injure. But I keep going to see her. It's so stupid. I'm afraid to confront and be confronted.

I also read about psychology and psychotherapy all. the. freakin'. time. Why do I do this? I waste, seriously, like 2-7 hours per day researching stuff. Sometimes it feels compulsive. I don't want to tell her what I think about it though because I don't want to tell her what I feel is the truth and then be wrong. It hurts too badly.

I have no idea how much my therapist knows about all of this. She must know that SOMETHING is going on. Gah. Why won't she say anything? Why is she so non-directive? Why doesn't she ask me why I do things that she MUST notice that I do, such as avoid expressing sadness or embarrassment, or refuse to pick a topic for session, or whatever. What is she waiting for? This total lack of direction and input wasn't her style in the past; I don't understand why it changed. I wish I had the guts to ask her :( I hate this :(


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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:Marie Box thread:945106
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20100425/msgs/946379.html