Posted by lucie lu on December 7, 2008, at 0:12:52
In reply to Memories (triggers), posted by Wittgensteinz on December 5, 2008, at 16:03:36
Hi again, Witti.
This morning I responded, or tried to, to your obvious distress and understandable need for reassurance that you did the right thing and that you certainly did not break any unwritten Babble rules, as you put it. And that you are held in high esteem and that you are cared about by people on this board (as I think has been borne out by the responses you have had since this morning). I suggested that the slow response was due to factors like the time, and in my experience weekends, especially Fridays, really are slow on the board. But clearly your post has resonated very powerfully with many other people here and it just took time to come up with the thoughtful response that your post deserved. For me, the meaning of your words also took some time to digest and turn over in my mind. They ended up having special significance for me because my mother is staying with me this weekend and I am having trouble with it. My relationship with my mother has always been complex. We were close, too close, when I was a child. I have never been able to reconcile the black and white images I have of her (and my father), in large part because alcoholics often do have a Jekyll and Hyde sense to them. They really *are* two different people, which is very confusing and hard to accept for a child, even an adult. My mother now, since she is no longer alcoholic, is helpful and loving. Yet it took me a long time to be able to tolerate her, to essentially forgive her for what she was when I was growing up. I also have "body memories" around her that still frighten me. Unlike your mother, who sounds sadistic, mine was a substance abuser. My boundaries were violated regularly as a child, often in some pretty horrific ways. I find myself in a bind and cannot express these things to my husband and kids, because they see her as so kind and have bonded with her. I hate to disturb that. But I have memories something like yours. She stayed with us last weekend (she lives only about an hour away) and that visit went so well, I invited her back to finish a project she and I started. She was the "good mom" last weekend and I almost posted about it, something like a success story in being able to grow past a difficult relationship. But this weekend, for whatever reason, she has been the "bad mom" I remember, and I found myself today literally hiding in the basement, afraid to be found by anyone. It seems the fallout from the early damage never seems to end. I have some memories, but few before my adolescence, not that these were good. I don't have an answer, Witti. But I think I can understand a lot of what is transpiring with you as your memories seem to take some coalesce, as sad and scary as they are. And I agree with twinleaf and others that your pdoc is probing more than is useful for you. Since you have said that he has otherwise been warm and kind to you, perhaps he simply doesn't understand how this is so much harder for you than just sexual "side effects" from the medications.
I don't know what else to say, except that I am so sorry that you are going through this, that things have been so very difficult for you, and that you are still one of the bravest people I know.
poster:lucie lu
thread:866883
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081205/msgs/867171.html