Posted by turtle on December 6, 2008, at 12:05:04
In reply to Memories (triggers), posted by Wittgensteinz on December 5, 2008, at 16:03:36
> Ok, I'm not quite sure why I'm posting this. I feel ashamed - it's dangerous to point fingers at people without being sure - I'm not sure I really want to know anyway, after all whatever did or didn't happen, I am now as I am, and the underlying causes are perhaps not so important. All I know is how scared I am of that woman, and how I never want her to touch me ever again.
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> Witti
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>Witti
I'm sorry that you felt like you have been left out here alone with your post. What you posted was very brave and open. I have been slow to respond because your post resonated with me very deeply and it has taken me awhile to sort out my thoughts about it. It touched on some tender and vulnerable areas in me. Thank you for putting yourself out there.
The process you are going through has some similarities to my own journey.
One of the horrible things about childhood abuse is that you can begin to internalize what you experienced as "everyday-normal" and still go about your daily life. To get to that point there has to be an incredible amount of shutting down internally and learning how to deny/negate your own experience. You learn how to doubt yourself, and I hear some of that in your post.
For myself, I have a gap in my childhood. In my memories, I'm missing the years from about 6 to 12. By the time I reached adulthood I was internally "in lockdown" as I like to describe it. I remained in lockdown until the conditions were right to open it all up, including a safe and stable therapy relationship.
I don't really know what all happened in those missing years. Like you, I'm not sure if I do really want to know more than I already do. Not knowing is terribly hard, but would knowing be worse? I don't have the answer to that yet.
I had to really think about what my purpose in therapy is. I define it simply now as "restoring my flow" and learning to "live in my own skin." These goals are about *me*, the internal me, and healing. If my goal was external - about blame, or holding someone accountable, then uncertainty wouldn't work very well. When you first start to ask yourself the question about what exactly happened, it can feel like you are "pointing fingers", and yes, that does feel dangerous. I don't hear in you though that this is really your end goal?
For the purpose of self healing, you don't need every last detail filled in before you can begin your work. Are you wondering if there was more to the abuse that you haven't figured out yet? Is that what I am hearing in your post? The very most important thing is to really listen to yourself and learn to accept and understand your own experience, as you are experiencing it now.
For myself, I don't know what happened in those years. But there are some things that I can do. I can look at the fragments of horrific stuff that are in the memories that I do have, and start to really examine who my parents were and what the environment was like. I can learn to listen to my body and my emotions now. I'm learning to really be open to these internal things and not negate them. Like you I ask, "Why do I feel that way with one person and not the other? Why do I have the responses to things in the way that I do?" I've become educated about memory and the things that are particular struggles for myself. Yes, sometimes things are just too horrible to remember. Our minds are really amazing, aren't they? I allow myself to explore and be curious about myself, even the dysfunctional and painful areas. Part of the process of looking at things that "don't add up" and connecting the dots between things that do go together is becoming more comfortable with trusting what you do feel and perceive, which is a very good thing.
You know what I just realized, right now as I write this? There are some areas of my childhood where I can look and say "that was absolutely horrific abuse". But what about the things that are in the unknown? Allowing myself to trust what I feel now, and add it to what I can intellectually figure out, and say "this is what probably happened right there" feels a little like self care. (Something I'm horrible with.) I just realized, it's kind of compassionate to myself, isn't it! I'm not holding myself to an absolute black or white standard. I can accept "probably" as a starting point, then focus on what I'm experiencing now and start working on it from there. (I guess I am making progress in therapy!)
I don't know what your answers are. I just hope that feeling ashamed and feeling the fear of "pointing fingers" doesn't throw you off. I completely understand how shame and uncertainty makes things so much harder. Dealing with childhood memories is so much more is more complex an absolute "you broke this and you can fix it by doing that." It's just not that simple. I hope you can be kind to yourself through the process and have compassion for what you are experiencing now. It's very hard to trust yourself, and I wish that for you. You are doing a lot of great work in therapy.
Turtle
poster:turtle
thread:866883
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081205/msgs/867011.html