Posted by Daisym on March 30, 2008, at 0:30:57
I went off the deep end Wednesday night - a complete panic attack with suicidal ideation. I've had two memories kind of erupt but it isn't what you think...both of these are about times I nearly told my mother - once at 8 and once at 11. It is really painful to remember her asking a question, getting a shrug from me and that was that. I didn't know how to tell her and I think I knew she didn't really want to know. My session on Thursday was really hard - first I had to admit how bad I was feeling and then we explored the memories. My therapist allowed me to work from a really young place and he helped me say the words I never said. He also took a great deal of rage and grief that I threw at him - this was perhaps one of the hardest sessions I've ever had. He told me he was worried about me, especially because I have a long vacation with my mom planned in a couple of weeks. We talked about how dangerous it is for me to feel trapped without choices
By the end I was exhausted but calmer. He told me that this was the other half of the work, figuring out all my feelings about my mom for not protecting me and how to deal with telling or not telling her now. He wondered if it would be helpful to ask my Babble friends if any of them had experience telling their parent as a child - what happened and how did they react? And how was it if you did it as an adult? I told him that Antigua had shared her story here about telling her mom and I was super jealous that she could talk about it. So he asked me to (try at least) post about what I'm struggling with and see what others have done.
. It will be the topic of therapy the next few weeks I'm sure. If you can share around this, I would really appreciate it. I know sometimes this stuff is triggering to remember so don't if it is too hard. And mom stuff doesn't have to be related to abuse either. However you are handling this relationship would be helpful.