Posted by frida on March 30, 2008, at 14:29:10
In reply to Homework, posted by Daisym on March 30, 2008, at 0:30:57
dear Daisy,
Hi, i don't have much time right now but I really want to respond to you, as i'm dealing with the same issue in therapy..Your hard hard work with your T inspires me..and i'm proud of you for working this hard, and telling now...and sharing with your T. This is the most healing thing for me..finally sharing, even though it is so so painful. I am sorry your mother wasn't there for you :-(
My T has told me that in some ways this is even more painful than the abuse itself...the fact that my mother didn't protect me or didn't realize, the fact that i didn't matter enough for her to notice..the fact that she was never there for me in the moment after...i struggle with this even now, this huge need to have someone there, someone to hold me and tell me it's ok to cry and to say i'll be all right...someone to find me in the moment after and feel for me...In my case, when i was little, now i realize that it didn't occur to me that i could tell, i kept hoping someone would magically know. I tried to tell in different ways, crying, staying silent completely, hiding...I really can say now that i can't understand how a mother can "not know" that something is wrong.
I do remember trying to tell when I was 9/10 and then later when i was 13 and as a teenager. I begged my mother to get a divorce. She didn't even ask why. She said it was a possibility but then she didn't ask me why i was asking her to do that. I told her that i couldn't stand anymore what dad was doing and that i wanted him dead.
I know i didn't tell her especifically what he did to me...
then, later, I told her in tears, to please make him stop. But she said "try to get on well with him". I told her over the phone, crying, please mom make him stop. But she never did anything or ask me how i was feeling.
So I stopped trying.As an adult, she found out some years ago. She read a letter I had written to my therapist in which i was describing flashbacks and one specific incident with my father. She went to talk to my therapist, and denied it all, and said I had always had behaviour problems and eating disorders. My T, however, believed me. Now,she has changed her view, and sent me emails saying that if that did happen, why didn't i tell her when it was happening...and that knowing this has destroyed her life. She has blamed me for not telling her, and has said that "what you and your dad did to me" has destroyed me. She says some things are better unsaid , and refuses to admit anything directly or care about how i feel about this. Her concern now is that i don't speak in T about all this, that should be just left alone.
As a result, it's been really hard for me to talk in T..She just reinforces the belief that i shouldn't talk. Recently, she has said that what i did, with my father, has been the worst thing that has ever happened in her life. Again, she turns this to be about her, and blames me for it, as if it had been something i did, with him, not something he did to me.
At times that's her reaction, and some other times she simply denies it all. If we get together, she talks about my father and tells anecdotes, and talks about the happy family we were...in front of others, she brings this up and talks about him (it is really painful for me) and has photographs of him with me in the house.My T has said that she just isn't willing to face her role in this...
we've talked about this, and she has said that a mom , living in the same house, can't just not know..i agree with this, i sent signals, this went on for years and years in her house while she slept or while she worked. How can a mother not know? or how can a mother not ask if she finds her daughter locked in the bathroom crying and saying that she wishes her father dead?It's a painful topic...I hope this is of some help to you. I think it's the most painful, and lasting consequence...the fact that a mother, who should be all about unconditional love, wasn't there to save her child from the worst nightmare.
I still crave for that 'mother hug' to rescue me in the moment after, and to make me feel lovable and protected.
Hope this helps,
Safest hugs to you as you struggle with this,
Frida
poster:frida
thread:820633
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080321/msgs/820698.html