Posted by DAisym on April 2, 2008, at 12:52:21
In reply to Re: Homework)))Trigger*** » Daisym, posted by antigua3 on April 1, 2008, at 13:47:45
You sound so together about this and yet the pain of it comes through loud and clear. It just isn't an easy decision, is it? And it reminds me that no matter what we do now, we can't change the past. I suspect that part of what is driving this is wanting so badly to undo what was done.
We are just beginning to explore deeply why I'd want her to know now, and whether that would be cruel. I think I need to be really sure about the motivation, even if it is purely selfish. I won't act on something that is about hurting her.
I have been having a number of the conversations you described - more things about what it was like for her to be married so early and to have been moved so far from her family. And about her relationship to her own mother - things I never knew. Her view of me as a child match what I remember but her assumptions as to why I was like I was are way off. And clearly she had no idea what to do with me. I'm guessing that is why I molded myself to be someone she'd be proud of - overtly more like her and the things she valued.
In the end, I'm glad you feel good about telling her. I think that is how I feel right now - that there is something big between us that I'm always on guard against. And then when she still doesn't get the hints or clues, I'm devastated all over again. When do we stop wanting our mom's to read our minds?
And my dad still has the power to hurt my mom. She told me that no one has ever had such a strong emotional hold on her and she never allowed it again, even with her second husband whom she loved dearly. It helps that they live thousands of miles apart. But I don't want to "help" him hurt her - does that make sense?
As far as comforting myself - I'm getting better at it. I still find myself wanting my therapist to do it. Sometimes I want to cling to him and other times I want him to wrap himself around me and keep the world away. But more and more, I can feel him nudging me (he loves that word) to protect myself or find something to be happy about. It is a da*n slow process!
Thanks for sharing.