Posted by DAisym on March 31, 2008, at 19:45:00
In reply to Re: Homework - Long » Daisym, posted by vwoolf on March 31, 2008, at 6:08:28
I'm glad you wrote a lot - thank you for that. My therapist would ask, "how did it feel to see it all mapped out like that?" When a story becomes coherent, I think we find the trail to healing - however painful that trail still is to travel.
I've imagined a number of times leaving my poetry around for her to read. And yet when I have to go on a trip anywhere, I make sure it is all put away, hidden in my journal. My best friend has strict instructions that should I ever die suddenly, her first task is to go get my journal and my lap top and destroy them both. My therapist even has instructions to call her to remind her to do this. As much as I want to tell sometimes, I would never want to tell as my last act. I don't think...
I think after reading about many of the reactions to telling that perhaps it isn't any easier to absorb and believe for the nonabusing parent than it is for us. Like you said, we question our own memories, why wouldn't they? And beyond believing, I can barely stand to know what I know - so how could a mother stand it? I think denial is the first defensive reaction - or maybe it is the second one - the first one is shock and perhaps autopilot comfort.
I was hoping that I could stomp on these feelings until they were small enough to fit back in the box for awhile. My therapist reminded me that we started to talk about some of this three years ago but I developed chest pains around it and abandoned the topic. I think what you said about killing your mom hits home with me - it is a huge, very deep, anxiety that lives in a very young place. I can also believe that some part of you felt like dying too.
Here is a really personal question - how much did you tell? In the story, where there details? I'm kind of horrified to find myself dreaming of hurling words at my mother - hurting her with the stark images of a child being raped or worse. In the dream I was the therapist telling her about me the child. It was convoluted and scary.
Thanks again for sharing. I know this is a hard subject. Oh - I'm sorry about your marriage. I know how hard those first few weeks and months can be, no matter what the circumstances.
poster:DAisym
thread:820633
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080321/msgs/820940.html