Posted by DAisym on July 13, 2007, at 1:32:28
In reply to Tormented my Pdoc might terminate me (long **csa), posted by antigua3 on July 12, 2007, at 9:52:44
((((Antigua)))) -- I'm sorry for what you are going through. It is so very painful and you've had enough pain.
>>>>No reply to any of my calls, which is unlike him. He has wrapped himself in the "business of his practice". So unlike him. Rearranging appts has never been an issue before. Am I being punished?
*****You might be. But I think some of the other explanations are more likely. Most therapists expect client cancellations when things get hard. It is reasonable to avoid painful experiences and therapy is painful. It sounds like there are "new rules" - and I agree with you that he should have talked with you about these changes.
>>>>I think I've gone too far. I expect a termination letter before Monday, or that he will tell me Tuesday that he is terminating me. Why? because I opened up, told him the horrifying things and his response tells me he can't handle it.
*********Which part do you think he can't handle? He's known about the csa for awhile - is it the details you shared that you think he is freaked out about? Or is it your feelings? I can't tell you how many times I've told something and waited for my therapist to gasp in disgust and then order me out of the room. He never has. He has been overwhelmed once or twice - and he has reacted strongly to some of the details, enough to scare me tons. But we've always talked it out and he clearly states that it comes from his caring for me, and his anger at what happened to me -- it isn't that he thinks poorly of me.
>>>I just don't know what to do if this happens? Yet again I've screwed up and picked the wrong person to tell? I will be devastated. This just reinforces what a disgusting person I am, worthless, and yes, a da*n freak, that if someone I've worked with for two years is going to turn his back on me... That will be it. Men think I'm disgusting. I've always known it, but I trusted this time--what a fool. When will I ever learn?
******I can completely understand why you'd feel this way. Foolish to trust, worthless and a freak. But if you are, aren't I also? I feel like this so much of the time -- I can't begin to tell you how often I've said, "I just want to be normal!" But in my more rational moments, I know I'm not a disgusting person -- and neither are you. We were both little girls who loved their dad and had very bad things happen. Someone who should have taken care of us, hurt us. Now it is happening to you again -- but the ending isn't the same. You are standing up for yourself, you are telling by writing it here and you aren't alone. You have your family, your therapist and your Babble friends.
Will you ever learn? I think you are learning. You are learning that your story needs to be told even if you can't control someone's response to it. The secret itself is poison and it needs to be aired out. You used good judgement by picking this man to share your story with. He isn't just another person, he is someone who hopefully will be able to hear it and help you. But even if he can't, telling him wasn't the wrong thing to do. I am truly hoping your meeting next week clears up many of your fears and he is more himself. I know it is torture to wait until your appointment. I hope he calls you soon.