Posted by antigua3 on July 12, 2007, at 9:52:44
For those who don't know me, I have a long-standing relationship of yes, 17 years, with a wonderful female T, who has been my rock. She is a MSW so doesn't prescribe meds, so I have a pdoc, too.
I've had the same male pdoc for two years; he took over when my old one retired and I just went with the new guy. It's not like I went looking for a new one; he was convenient, he was there and in the beginning all he did was prescribe meds.
I like him OK. He's young and rather cold. He's very matter of fact and honest, but he offsets my T very well, who is so much more supportive. (compassion is not even in my pdoc's dictionary). He's very dirct, and I appreciate that, because sometimes I need to be shaken out of my poor, pitiful me mode. That said, it has been worth it because I've learned things. Sometims I disagree w/him and ignore what he says because I know myself better. We argue sometimes, but on a superficial level, nothing too tough.
About two months ago, he suggested we extend our sessions to an hour, thereby doing therapy because we were talking more. I asked about his style and as expected, he said he was a CBT guy with doses of psychodynamic.
My past experiences with male therapists/pdocs has been mostly superficial (mostly just meds and little talking on my behalf, never opening up).
The worst experience I ever had w/a male T was the last one, about four years ago. He was the first male I ever opened up to, trusted and talked about the csa. His response? After a session or two, he terminated me and referred me out after he had agreed in writing to my insurance company to see me for the next 18 months. No explanation whatsoever, he just turned his back on me.
I was devastated beyond belief and sunk into a deep depression. It took me years to accept that it was him and not me, that I pushed some buttons he couldn't handle. That said, it was still awful, that I felt like what I had told him was so disgusting that I drove him away.
I warned my new pdoc about this from the beginning, that I don't work well with male authority figures.
But I have felt that some of the work I still need to do over my experiences with my father has to be done with a male. I can't connect with my T over this; I just really feel I have to work this through with a male.
So, two sessions (3 wks) ago--and after two years--I truly opened up to my pdoc about the base feelings I have for my father (I wrote about them in an earlier thread). His demeanor kind of changed after that. He's usually very methodical and business-like at the end, and he has been a bit flustered the last two times.
Last time I saw him was 2 weeks ago, before a trip to my mother's. I was feeling lower than low and he was expending his efforts on telling me that it was my father's failings and not my responsibility for what happened, yada, yada. Heard it all before, I know it, but that doesn't seem to help.
We made an appt for the following week right after I got back. I cancelled it the day before because I guess I was angry he wasn't more helpful, he didn't get it, I was exhausted, whatever it was I didn't want to go. He called to ask if I wanted to reschedule and I said I would call him this week. I needed time to think this through.
So, now, this week, he has pulled so far back and has made himself totally unavailable. He used to make his appts but now has an "office," and it took three days for me to get a suggested time. She offered me a time three weeks from now. I had to laugh; then she offered next week, which is still not good enough. Called yesterday and left him a message that I can't believe he is so insensitive and would totally disregard the suffering of one of his patients (and he knows I'm suffering right now)
No reply to any of my calls, which is unlike him. He has wrapped himself in the "business of his practice". So unlike him. Rearranging appts has never been an issue before. Am I being punished?
I think I've gone too far. I expect a termination letter before Monday, or that he will tell me Tuesday that he is terminating me. Why? because I opened up, told him the horrifying things and his response tells me he can't handle it.
I just don't know what to do if this happens? Yet again I've screwed up and picked the wrong person to tell? I will be devastated. This just reinforces what a disgusting person I am, worthless, and yes, a da*n freak, that if someone I've worked with for two years is going to turn his back on me... That will be it. Men think I'm disgusting. I've always known it, but I trusted this time--what a fool. When will I ever learn?