Posted by B2chica on July 12, 2007, at 11:53:36
In reply to Tormented my Pdoc might terminate me (long **csa), posted by antigua3 on July 12, 2007, at 9:52:44
sorry this is long but have to say some stuff on your other concerns mentioned...i think what others have said about 'termination' issue are good advice.
>>I was devastated beyond belief and sunk into a deep depression. It took me years to accept that it was him and not me, that I pushed some buttons he couldn't handle. That said, it was still awful, that I felt like what I had told him was so disgusting that I drove him away.
ohhh dear antigua....
i think this is our worst fear. i know im still hesitant to give any more detail than necessary of csa to new T. i really like her but i tend to distrust females and i think part of that is fear of judgement, especially since i like her. that if i say too much she may think i'm sick for "letting it go on...", or some type of shame/blame reaction... i really dont believe she's like that but none the less the fear is there.
>>I warned my new pdoc about this from the beginning, that I don't work well with male authority figures.
>>But I have felt that some of the work I still need to do over my experiences with my father has to be done with a male. I can't connect with my T over this; I just really feel I have to work this through with a male.
i SOOO understand this as i am this EXACT way with females. and my last T was male and when he left he Strongly suggested my next T be female so that i could work out these issues.
but back to the issues at hand. if you do get a termination letter. chalk it up to one more incompetent mental health professional. afterall he was the one that seemed to 'push' for you to open up to him...well for better or worse...you did. and GOOD for you for doing it. you know, it really doesn't matter what his reaction was. you are not responsible for that, but wow, be proud that you have been able to expose such a vulnerable part of yourself to a gender that you thought you never would!
and i don't think you messed up at all telling to him. despite his reaction, it doesn't matter...it's HIS issue NOT yours. you are working ACTIVELY to heal yourself and I think you are doing a darn good job!
and though my csa is different i really understand what you are saying about your feelings. and quite frankly i just don't see where these reactions would be uncommon, so i am surprised at such a reaction from your pdoc....
i can relate similarly. when i would have a lover that would do something sexually to me that was similar to my abuser (sometimes even provoke flashbacks) i would actually feel more sexual pleasure. i of course would then commense to drink and pop pills, or cut. but nonetheless the feelings arose.
but the feelings you have (to me) are SO understandable. he's your father. girls love their fathers and learn to show affection in the way they are shown it. you were shown through sexual means(although i don't mean to call what he did 'affection' please understand what i mean)..therefore the affection you have for your father arise in a sexual manner. i don't see that as anyway sick. its how we as humans rationalize things to survive also.
as young children, we just can't understand how someone like a parent could do anything harmful to us, so we find a way to rationalize it. to young children csa often means a type of love or attention. and for those of us that were denied affection from other family members it makes that attention that much more important.
and antigua...i'm no psychologist, these are just my opinions. i hope i didn't say anything upsetting. but i just want you to know that i really don't think you are alone in what you feel. and you are CERTAINLY NO freak or sick person.
>>I don't know, maybe it's about separating the feelings out? That I can't face the fear alone without the pleasure???
let me just add that this makes a lot of sense to me. i think the pleasure may help mask the fear, pain and anger that you are also feeling.
it sounds to me like you are Really gaining ground here DESPITE these roadblocks put up by incompetent "professionals"...
and AGAIN just to make sure you're listening!!!
you are NOT a "d@mn freak", you are NOT "disgusting" in ANY way!
You are a WONDERFUL, CARING, SMART, PRETTY, and INTELLIGENT woman.
be proud...Very proud of how far you've come in your life!