Posted by ElaineM on June 29, 2006, at 20:20:07
(suicide. substance? si? sorry, i still get confused about what degree is triggering)
MidBlue, Muff, Whomever: Thanks for asking. I'm sorry to be writing again. Though I haven't felt up to it until now.I don't know why I'm doing it. Except that I said I'd update, and what else is there to do? It's not like I need questions answered anymore, because it's over. It's not like this matters. I just need some distraction. keep my hands busy. Though I hate seeing my disgusting name appear on the screen. Can’t stay asleep at all so...
I never think things can get worse, then they do. I'm embarassed even writing this. I ask for everything I get. Like a stupid pathetic b**ch I went to my session before my meeting at the psych. center. It makes me too nervous to not be there when I'm scheduled to. And i felt bad for having such a horrible session Mon. And I didn't want to upset him by missing another day if I was going to back out of others. All dumb excuses from a dumb girl.
It was hard to show up too though. I was silent for a long time. which he hates. Then I started getting the shakes and my eyes were tearing. not crying though. I try so hard now not to cry cause as soon as I do he's up and sitting on the couch beside me for too long, and everything else I've moaned about. I know he thinks it helps. I'm such a whiney b**ch. I told him that I wasn't coming on Fri or Mon. He said he thought it was wrong but it was my choice. Said I'd just be repeating my pattern of avoiding commitment. that i refuse comfort so i can always stay unwell. that my hopelessness comes from no one expecting anything of me - so he said he would. And he said that if I can't speak during sessions that I need to be helped to connect in other ways. Why won't my words come then?! I can't be held for that long! I won't be able to take it. He said that I need to challenge myself around difficult things. Other stuff was said but I'm too ashamed to post it.
Then I started crying like a fat ugly mess, and talking about wanting to be dead, and urges like that. oh god i can't even say the next part. He asked, "would you want me to step in then?" And I said, "No. I wouldn't speak lightly about something like that. so if i was ever going to do it, it wouldn't be rash. I would hide it as much as possible." And then he said, "just for you to know, i wouldn't intervene" God, why does that make me want to throw up? i can't stop crying about it. It is so stupid cause I wouldn't want him to, but I just wasn't expecting him to say that. I'm sure he was trying to make it seem like a gift - respecting my wishes. but that means there is no safety net. no one is watching. Why did he say that? maybe he cares about me so much that he would not want me to suffer more than i could bare. He would not want me in misery forever. Or it's a trick response. I don't know. So effing dense.
I don't remember everything. It felt like my insides were a tornado but my outside was made of stone - like a mannequin. I was early for my time at the center. I stood in a stall in the bathroom and hid cause I thought my knees would buckle.(it's hard to finish this)
The woman stopped the assessment short when I asked about it being confidential. I told her everything using the word Hypothetical, but I mean, she knew what I was saying. And I was shaking like I was freezing and kept wiping my eyes with kleenex. She said that she would have to contact the board, even without a name, and ask them how to proceed without extensive information from me. She said that the center's services were not appropriate for me cause I'd need something long term. All I could do was say I was sorry to be a bother. I only wanted a woman instead. Only to have someone to talk to, and not fix everything. Not silent and alone with this. i told her I was sorry but didn't know what else to do and that it took alot out of me to even make it today. She said anyone in the helping prof could not, not make a complaint.She gave me crises lines and other numbers but i threw them away as soon as i left. I’m not going through this again. She said, "I would tell the girl that she doesn't have to take any abusive situation, and I'd tell her she should leave him." I felt like I was sinking. Like my heart was breaking. Like, This is was what I waited so desperately to do?! oh god, this is all today is coming to?! She said it must be hard for me to be in such a bind. I asked why their rules were more important than helping me as an individual. She didn't answer. Then she said I looked very unstable and upset, and that she was obligated to ask if I was thinking of harming myself. (that's something I know to always answer No to. Plus I felt too dead to do something so active) I said I would be fine. I'm always fine, and I don't really care. I said, "Is that us done now? I didn't say anything bad right? Does this all disappear when I leave?" And she said, "Considering you didn't tell me any specifics really, then yes the matter is closed."
Then I left. I didn't SI cause I already slipped again on Mon. Though I wanted to – I still do. I've just been messed up on stuff all last night. Less today. I didn't sleep last night though I did a little this morning. whatever. I don't care. I was only pretending to. Things don't matter to me. And talking is stupid. No one will listen. No one cares about anything but process. I doesn't bother me that no one cares about me but him. I’m alone. And I've made this aloneness hurt more by asking, like an idiot, for someone to prove the opposite. It's my fault. I am glad it's over. I like being mannequin-like. At least he is still there when the others turn me away. I am lucky. I don't deserve his support after being a deceitful big-mouth @ssh*le. It is good I am lucky with something.
Sorry this is so long. I won't need to write more threads about "me" anymore. I'm done caring about me. i don't care what happens. I’m too tired. Thank you for being nice to me though. I'm sorry I can't pay you back with good news. I'm sorry for having needed so much help, and I thank you for everything. You are all good people.
EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:662694
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060623/msgs/662694.html