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Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers** ElaineM

Posted by llrrrpp on June 29, 2006, at 20:59:49

In reply to yesterday at the clinic **triggers**, posted by ElaineM on June 29, 2006, at 20:20:07

I just need some distraction. keep my hands busy. Though I hate seeing my disgusting name appear on the screen. Cant stay asleep at all so...

ElaineM, would you consider seeing a pdoc about your insomnia, anxiety and suicidal ideation? They might be able to listen to your symptoms and give you some medicine to take the edge off until you can work on finding a new T. They might also be able to recommend a new T.

> I never think things can get worse, then they do. I'm embarassed even writing this. I ask for everything I get. Like a stupid pathetic b**ch I went to my session before my meeting at the psych. center. [...] All dumb excuses from a dumb girl.

You're NOT dumb. You are a very good writer. And it's easy for smart people to be bad writers, but very hard for dumb people to be good writers.

I'm not surprised that you are so confused after your session. But I don't know much about therapy, so...

sounds like you have a LOT of anxiety. And it's understandable that you would feel sick at these moments.

Can you get a recommendation from the woman you saw today about someone to see long term?

What is the worst thing that can happen if you report the abusive relationship? make a list. Is it worth your life? I don't think so, and I think there are people in real life who love you and would hate for you to go through this in silence.

>All I could do was say I was sorry to be a bother. I only wanted a woman instead. Only to have someone to talk to, and not fix everything. Not silent and alone with this. i told her I was sorry but didn't know what else to do and that it took alot out of me to even make it today. She said anyone in the helping prof could not, not make a complaint.
> She gave me crises lines and other numbers but i threw them away as soon as i left. Im not going through this again. She said, "I would tell the girl that she doesn't have to take any abusive situation, and I'd tell her she should leave him." I felt like I was sinking. Like my heart was breaking. Like, This is was what I waited so desperately to do?! oh god, this is all today is coming to?! She said it must be hard for me to be in such a bind. I asked why their rules were more important than helping me as an individual. She didn't answer. Then she said I looked very unstable and upset, and that she was obligated to ask if I was thinking of harming myself. (that's something I know to always answer No to. Plus I felt too dead to do something so active) I said I would be fine. I'm always fine, and I don't really care. I said, "Is that us done now? I didn't say anything bad right? Does this all disappear when I leave?" And she said, "Considering you didn't tell me any specifics really, then yes the matter is closed."

Elaine, if you are thinking of hurting yourself, it's really important that you seek help in real life. Even if it's scary, and even if you are paranoid and anxious, you are worth it, and I want you to stay safe.

> Then I left. I didn't SI cause I already slipped again on Mon. Though I wanted to I still do. I've just been messed up on stuff all last night. Less today. I didn't sleep last night though I did a little this morning. whatever. I don't care. I was only pretending to. Things don't matter to me. And talking is stupid. No one will listen.

I'm listening and I care. I care a lot. You do not deserve to hurt like this. It's not your fault.

>No one cares about anything but process. I doesn't bother me that no one cares about me but him. Im alone. And I've made this aloneness hurt more by asking, like an idiot, for someone to prove the opposite. It's my fault.

NO! it was never your fault. And there are other people who care about you besides him. You are a sensitive caring person. And people like you, while you might not have a lot of close friends nearby (did you say that once?). I think you have probably touched many people, and mean a lot to many people. You just don't realize it because that is one of the issues that you are struggling with.

>I am glad it's over. I like being mannequin-like. At least he is still there when the others turn me away. I am lucky. I don't deserve his support after being a deceitful big-mouth @ssh*le. It is good I am lucky with something.

Elaine, I'm so worried about you. Somehow you've gotten it into your head that your relationship with T is the only relationship you've ever had, or ever WILL have. I'm pretty sure it's because your T has been very manipulative. But there is a very important relationship that you cannot ignore- it's the relationship between you and yourself. You have to take care of Elaine. Keep her safe. You're hurting because of HIM. If you get away from him, you will be able to start to heal that hurt. And when that hurt starts to heal, you'll be able to realize that other people love you, and that you are loveable.

> Sorry this is so long. I won't need to write more threads about "me" anymore. I'm done caring about me. i don't care what happens. Im too tired. Thank you for being nice to me though. I'm sorry I can't pay you back with good news. I'm sorry for having needed so much help, and I thank you for everything. You are all good people.

Get some rest, and a glass of warm milk. Something comforting. You need comfort, a blanky, a hug. Somewhere to hide from your anxiety. Some people find comfort and relief at the hospital. Some people find comfort and relief by calling an anonymous crisis line. Others by posting on psycho-babble. You're not alone, either in your suffering, or in your anxiety about confidentiality. Please don't let your anxiety about confidentiality prevent you from finding relief in the real world.

You don't need to repay us back for our kindnesses with a success story. "Look! I'm healed". You can pay us back by taking care of yourself and realizing that we care about you, even when things don't go well. And how can we be upset at you when you are a double victim 1) of the abusive T, and 2) of the system?

gentle hugs for you Elaine (((Elaine)))
your caring friend,

only write back if you feel up to it. I have found p-babble a wonderful distraction. Keeping the fingers busy is a good idea :)




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