Posted by ElaineM on June 30, 2006, at 15:31:01
In reply to Re: yesterday at the clinic **triggers** » ElaineM, posted by llrrrpp on June 29, 2006, at 20:59:49
LL: I've seen a ton of pdocs before. As far as the insomnia, I've been involved with a Sleep Clinic and have done a sleep study and everything. I don't want to explain my sleep disorder too much because it isn't so common, and I'm worried that it would be too indentifiably me - though who would be looking for stuff about me really. I've tried a few sleep meds and they don't do much. Though my sleeping has been much better the past year or so. The last little few nights I've been awake artificially. I'm used to functioning on few zzzz's.
Anxiety has always been a problem, but benzo's don't react well with the medical problem I have. The suicidal ideation has been with me for years and years - and I'm usually used to that too. I've tried alot of SSRI's and anti-psy. and the pdocs have been kinda disappointed by how unaffected I am. (Being in inpatient with my ED you don't have too much choice when it comes to refusing meds). I just seem to be rather resistant. I'm defective that way I guess. (I'm still waiting for the antidote to lonely)
I don't remember if I've mentioned friends in other posts. Honestly, I lost any I had over the coarse of my anorexia and all the hospitalizations. It's a pretty frustrating illness to watch someone go through, so I don't blame them a bit for letting go - I would've just dragged them down too. The two I have left moved far away, and are busy living lives. I don't fit in with my own age group anyways. On top of that, after battling back several times from starvation-complications, I've come down with this completely unrelated illness. And that's most relevant to me now.
I've lost my parents support, my few friends, my body, my faith in my physicians, and any small hope I had. I really have no one but him. And I would do anything to not suffer through this illness alone. I could handle all the dysfunction I've been accumulating, all the sadness, all the memories, alone - but not this. And he helps with it.
I know it's probably pretty hard for others to understand. I need someone, and he seems to need me. I feel like I'll just have to overlook the awkwardness, or anything I don't like that much. I feel like the past few weeks I've just been trying to be picky. It sounds bad but, to my heart, a flawed, ineffective T is better than nothing and no one.
I like thinking you guys care. Even if it wasn't true I'd probably just pretend. But know that you don't ever HAVE to respond - I would not want to drown you all in my sadness. Usually, writing it out is in itself helpful too. You do not have to worry about me being unsafe.
Thanks for listening so much, EL
- on a good note, since I never give you any, my little sister is coming to see me. Something different :)
poster:ElaineM
thread:662694
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060623/msgs/662965.html