Posted by fairywings on December 14, 2005, at 20:19:22
earlier in the month i told my t the crux of my problem, and now i'm feeling a lot of pain because of it. i knew i'd have to go there if i ever expected help, but like cricket said i guess i expected support, but what i'm getting doesn't feel very supportive. my t is a really kind, caring person, and i'm sure he wants to help, but it feels like he just wants me to get over it already.
as far as what i told him, the ''big'' issue for me is that after i was raped, it got to a point where i just couldn't deal with anything anymore. i ended up cutting my wrists and arms. now, i'm so ashamed of the scars that i'm afraid to be around people, i'm afraid they'll see the scars and judge me. i have never been able to get beyond it.
in my last therapy session my t, got me to see that i don't belong anywhere. i never let people in, i don't trust, i have no real relationships other than with my family. he also made me realize i don't have a clue what i believe in. i've lost my faith, at least the people part of it.
this is one of the hard parts for me. he asked me at what point i move on, at what point i put this behind me and get on with my life. i told him i've tried to move on, i've tried to put it behind me, but i haven't been able to do that. i felt like he was saying what's done is done, now quit feeling sorry for yourself, and move on. I felt so pathetic. how do you just "move on"?
what was also very difficult for me was that he forgot about our appt. he came out, and said, are we meeting tonight? it didn't bother me at first, then i was thinking, there are no coincidences, he didn't want to see me. it was just one appt prior to this one when i told him about the cutting, and now he's forgotten our appt. i know ppl might hear that and think it was an innocent mistake, and i'm sure it was, but when clients forget appts. after big stuff, it's supposed to indicate they're avoiding something, right? So his forgetting our appt. could mean he didn't want to see me, couldn't it? when he has appts he's prepared, he knows who's coming, and he's brought himself up to date. since he didn't know i was coming, it means he wasn't prepared. he was flying by the seat of his pants. he couldn't even remember how many kids i had, i've told him many, many times how many kids we have. he also spent the first 1/2 hour giving me a history lesson. it was interesting, but nothing to do with me. he's a story teller, he gets off on tangents a lot, but i want to do therapy. i do find what he says interesting, but time is limited, and next year i'm going to be more anxious about his tangents because the # of appts will be limited.
also, he seems to be somewhat critical of a friendship i have with someone i met on the internet about 8 years ago. it's no secret to my family. my kids "know" her kids, i know her, she knows me. he finds it "compelling" that i consider her a friend, when i have very few IRL friends, and no IRL friends who are really close. he knows nothing about babble, and now i'm really afraid to tell him. i guess i live a virtual life, although lately i haven't been on the computer much because i don't feel like doing anything. sorry, i guess i haven't been very supportive lately.
sorry to go on and on. can anyone help?
fw
poster:fairywings
thread:589142
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051210/msgs/589142.html