Posted by fairywings on December 15, 2005, at 11:09:31
In reply to Re: starting to feel the pain (long ) **triggers*** » fairywings, posted by daisym on December 15, 2005, at 0:02:47
Hi daisy, thanks. i agree, i think getting to this part, telling him some of the big stuff is the only way he can help me, but it's scary.
Maybe I am projecting because when i tell him what i hear him saying, he says he's not saying that, he just wants me to look at it from another pov. I don't mind the questions when he makes me realize stuff, it's just the questions where i feel he's judging me, and i know he's not.
Not trusting is hard, and you know what? i didn't even realize that i didn't trust. it's so much a part of me, i didn't know how much i keep ppl away. that's not what i want, i just don't know how to change it. The not laughing for too long part is so true for me too. I feel like a drag with him more than anywhere else, and i feel boring. I love to laugh, and i'd love for him to see more of that side of me. I also feel incredibly immature, and I hate that.
You're right, i think faith is a gift given to us in the small things. I hope you're right, i hope it comes back. i don't want to rob our kids of that experience, it was such a big thing when we were homeschooling them.
you're probably right about the scars. I feel like everyone can see all of it - the rape, my father hitting me, my mom rejecting me, the stuff that happened afterwards at school, the yucky body feelings, the nightmares... It would be nice to be able to implant better memories, wouldn't it?
I'll have to think of what it would be like to put this behind me and move on. i've been thinking i need to sort this out in writing, and hearing the replies has given me a lot of things to think about, a lot of things to write about.
Thanks daisy, i appreciate your support.
fw
poster:fairywings
thread:589142
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051210/msgs/589321.html