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Re: starting to feel the pain (long ) **triggers*** » Tamar

Posted by fairywings on December 15, 2005, at 11:55:31

In reply to Re: starting to feel the pain (long ) **triggers*** » fairywings, posted by Tamar on December 15, 2005, at 4:18:55

Hi Tamar,

it does hurt a lot, and it's not easy for me to say that to him or anyone. i have to learn that i guess. i'm getting better w/my husband, it's only taken me 20 years! ; )

My problem is i just feel like everyone can see the scars, knows what they are, and can see everything attached to them. I know it's irrational, but that's the way my mind works.

I remember daisy's post, where she was driving down the street, thinking about how things "should be". Wouldn't it be nice if the world was more like babble, and people understood, and were accepting. I know some wouldn't judge, but think about sitting in a room full of moms, in a group, and you're the only one with visible scars, makes me squirm! ; )

You're right Tamar, the scars are very symbolic, but more symbolic of everyone seeing, knowing what happened, and knowing how shameful i feel, being able to "see" everything. it feels very exposed and very vulnerable. i do still feel responsible bec. of the way my parents reacted. i know i'm not responsible, but at some level i must still feel i am. confusing, and hard to sort out.

Sometimes i feel lonely, and sometimes i long for close friendships, but it got to the point where i felt so threatened when i was in social situations, that i just gave up. It was just this year that i made the conscious decision not to be out there anymore.

I would love to be able to believe no one has the right to judge me, and i've fought to feel that for so long, but it just never happens. If i knew how to get to that point i'd jump all over it, in a heartbeat.
know they don’t know what they’re talking about.

The only time anyone has said anything was in a healthcare setting - you know getting i.v.'s, checking blood pressure, testing reflexes; it's hard to explain. Once, when I had surgery, they put me in this room with a window in the door. I asked why the window was in the door, and the nurse told me they put ppl in that room if they think there's a risk of self harm, and mind you this was a good 10+ years after. I hate that! I love your response, “What are those holes in your brain?” but i guess “Mind your own damn business" might be easier for me to remember.

I know it's a stretch for me to think he dreaded our appt. and didn't want to see me, but i am hurt that there's no way he could have been as prepared as he normally would have been since he didn't know i was coming. I'm just glad he didn't book anyone else. That would have been it for me, I would have quit on the spot. This is where my immature feelings kick in. I know he's busy, i know it wasn't his fault - it was a screw up by the staff, and those things happen, but i still find myself whining in my own head. i think part of that is that he's cancelled 3 times in the past 2 months. Not anything that could've been prevented, but still, it gets my irrational wheels turning, you know?

He's a talker and a storyteller. I love to hear what he has to say bec. he is fascinating, BUT
time is money, and next year i'm going to have to pay big bucks to see him. I don't know how to politely tell him a bit of it is fine, but not most of the session. my old T used to cut our appts. short by 10 to 15 min., and i felt like he wasn't really interested. this t never does that, and i feel like he does care. I guess it's a tradeoff.

I think you hit the nail on the head about the online friendship. he does find it significant that i avoid IRL friendships, but this one feels safe because there's no face to face. i'd love to feel i could trust, i'd love to have close, deep, meaningful friendship that will span decades. i don't even know what it feels like to trust. i thought for a long time what i feel is just what relationships feel like, but never understood why things didn't evolve like they do for other ppl. i hope i get to that point, i hope therapy can get me there.

Thanks Tamar, geeze, if i had your ability to turn problems inside out, i wouldn't even need therapy!
fw


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poster:fairywings thread:589142
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051210/msgs/589329.html