Posted by fairywings on December 17, 2005, at 16:19:43
In reply to Re: starting to feel the pain (long ) **triggers*** » fairywings, posted by cricket on December 16, 2005, at 15:58:08
> Fairywings,
>
> I am glad that you are posting again. I know that I also have my periods when I can’t be on Babble. But I missed you and it’s good to see you back.Hi cricket, thanks, that's really nice of you to say! ; ) yeah, there are so many times i shouldn't be on, and i get on, and i avoid doing other things. but i really like the babble connection.
> I have felt and still feel in some cases many of the same things you’re talking about.
Yeah, i guess we must have some of the same issues.
> I felt the same ways many times. I felt like my therapist hated to see me, like he dreaded our appointments. One time he came out to the waiting room and he had such a look of dismay on his face that I thought I must be the worst part of his week. And I thought that of course he would. I have nothing intelligent to say. Laugh? I never even smiled or relaxed in there. Who wouldn’t hate to see me?
LOL, oh we are TOO much alike! Somehow we have to convince ourselves that we're the highlight of their week, and why wouldn't we be?! I think you made a good point when you talked about how you were in therapy. I guess that's why we're there, right? I feel like I'm so dismal in there, and that's not how I am a lot of times, but I think he must think I am all the time, and I hate that.
>
> But then it occurred to me well that’s my feelings. But what’s the proof? He never once suggested that I begin to think about termination. He accommodated a reduced payment. He never once suggested that maybe I work with someone else. He showed up even when he was sick.Yeah, you're right, mine has never made any indication, but he doesn't show up when he's sick, which is fine with me, I don't want to catch anything.
> So perhaps that look of dismay was just concern. And maybe your therapist’s forgetting is not really forgetting because he dreads seeing you but something either much more innocuous or even positive.
It was a paperwork screwup. Somebody put my paperwork in a stack with another T, so he didn't know I was coming. My big problem with it was that he couldn't have been prepared because he didn't know I was coming. I know it wasn't his fault.
> Perhaps if your T is remembering other things, this might seem more forgiveable.
Yep, he rarely forgets stuff about my husband. Probably wonders how in the heck he puts up with me! ; ) Just kidding.
> At the beginning of my therapy, my T used to talk a lot too. He’d talk almost the whole session about psychological theory, philosophy, books.
> I have to say I loved it. Those were my favorite sessions. I could watch him and feel comfortable. Being his audience was just the right of level of attention that I could comfortably stand from him.Yep, I love it too, could listen to him all day 24/7, wish he could go on and on as long as he wanted. I hope he doesn't stop sharing, but i want to feel like i'm covering some ground, i guess that's what bothers me.
> Now he just doesn’t do it anymore. He’s ready to go off on a tangent and all of a sudden he will stop himself, right in mid-sentence sometimes. Just shut his mouth.Hmmm, I wonder why. Do you know why he stopped?
> Could it be that your therapist was just trying to make you more comfortable? Trying to build a connection by sharing some of his thoughts?
Yep, I'm sure you're right here. I"m sure he could see how uptight I was and was just trying to get me to relax.
> “he finds it “compelling” that I consider her a friend, when I have very few IRL friends”
>
> Yeah, definitely one of my problems too. >
> But then just recently he said to me, “I think you are being quiet because you are about to find your voice, the voice that is uniquely yours and that you never had a chance to develop, and soon you are just going to start to speak to people. And that felt very sweet and not critical at all.That's really cool. Have you found your voice? I"m sure it's all about getting us to be more adaptable, and not that we're being criticized, and i guess some of it is internal - I know i should be more connected IRL, but i'm not.
> This is what I was responding yes, yes, yes to in my post. Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to be cryptic. But I have felt the same way in therapy so many times. I wondered how he could stand me. Then I would feel ashamed and withdraw and give monosyllabic answers. I did this for years.
Not cryptic at all, I understood that you were identifying. I tend to give yes/no answers a lot.
>
> Now it’s just stopped. I have no idea why, but it’s been months since I’ve spoken like that. I still don’t talk much but it’s not the same sullen silence, not the same immature kid with a chip on her shoulder.Is it possible you've integrated that part of you and that's why the voice is gone?
> And my T seems no more surprised that it stopped than that I was like that to begin with. I suspect your T is the same. I know it’s hard though. It’s hard to think of yourself as a mature, intelligent woman and yet feel yourself acting like a bratty kid.
Yep, I wonder how many ppl feel this way in therapy, like a kid instead of an adult. you know sometime I'd love to sit and see who comes and goes from his office, to see who else he's dealing with, their attitudes, and behaviors, and maybe it would make me feel better....or worse! LOL
> I don’t know if any of this helps, fairywings. I hope something does.
Thanks cricket, it does. you know it helps just to know you're not the only one with the feelings, the behaviors, or the thoughts you have. I don't feel so alone in my weirdness.
fairywings
poster:fairywings
thread:589142
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051216/msgs/589819.html