Posted by Tamar on July 3, 2005, at 17:28:44
In reply to Re: long post but it explains what I feel » Tamar, posted by happyflower on July 3, 2005, at 14:21:43
I agree with everything Dinah said.
I know it’s not much fun when husbands notice other women. When I was pregnant last year my husband was interested in someone at work, and she seemed quite interested in him too. Normally I don’t think about that kind of thing much, but pregnancy seems to bring out my jealous tendencies. I don’t know if anything happened, but I would prefer not to know so I didn’t ask!
I’ve formed the impression that men don’t tend to think about relationships as much as women do. So when an ‘opportunity’ comes their way it seems like a big deal and a lot to think about. I reckon many women already know what they’d do if Brad Pitt or Ethan Hawke or that cute guy from accounts ever expressed an interest, but it seems to take men by surprise.
Rationally I believe it’s a good thing that my husband is attracted to other women, because it’s proof that he’s still alive! But it can feel a little threatening. Ultimately I believe most other women can't compete with me for my husband because we've been together for eleven years and I'm the mother of his children and also I'm amazingly good at [insert sex act here].
I think you do have to be able to trust your husband. And the fact that he has been pretty honest about his confusion over this woman is probably a good sign, I would think, even though it probably hurts. I think marriage is very hard work, but it’s pretty much impossible to do that hard work if people aren’t prepared to admit how they are feeling. I can’t think there are many marriages in which both partners look only at each other and never experience temptation.
> I feel like I am on shaky ground. My DH has had a great marriage for 11 years until this year. I think if this problem didn't surface, I would probably almost done with therapy. It is so hard to talk about with my T .Yes, and therapy has a way of uncovering problems like this. Maybe it’s a good thing you’re doing therapy at the moment so you can have some support for getting through it.
About the comparison with an abused wife and her abusive husband… I understand that you might wish to use as powerful an example as you can think of to get your point across. I suppose I just wonder how he will hear it. If he hears it and thinks, “She felt very hurt at the idea that I might be untrustworthy” then all is fine. But I suspect there’s a possibility that he might hear it and think, “She’s saying I’m like a wife beater and that’s appalling.” Of course, that thought doesn’t follow logically from your example, but people have a way of hearing emotive language and thinking it’s being aimed at them. I wonder if the imagery you’re evoking is so powerful that he might respond emotionally rather than logically. And then you might end up talking about that instead of the trust issue.I think you can still use the example, but it might come across better if you say, “It would be like telling a client with a past history of abuse that he is good at keeping his wife in line.” Just taking out the word ‘hitting’ makes it a little less emotive without removing the power of your comparison completely. Anyway, it’s your decision. And I think it’s a good idea to ask him to hear you out without interrupting.
> Yes waiting is killing me. I hope he gets my card before he tries calling me. (maybe he doesn't intend on calling me anyways, without hearing from me first). Do you think if he calls me, I should just keep it short (since I already sent him a card that said I was sorry), and just confirm an appointment? Should I say much else, or do you think my card will be enough for him to know I am sorry? I appreciate your support Tamar! :) I really need support now, it is sad but true, I feel like my DH and my T has let me down. :(
Yeah, I tend to think it’s best to keep things short when there’s something major to discuss. It’s usually better to talk face to face so you can get all those visual cues that help the conversation along.
I don’t know if he’ll call you first. I think it’s good that you sent the card, but he might still wait for you to call him. If you call him, you could ask if he received your card, and just say you’re sorry and you want to talk about it, and can you schedule an appointment.
I’m sorry that you’re feeling let down by two of the people you ought to be able to trust. I hope they will both go on to prove that they are in fact worthy of your respect.
poster:Tamar
thread:522069
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050628/msgs/523038.html