Posted by happyflower on July 3, 2005, at 14:21:43
In reply to Re: long post but it explains what I feel » happyflower, posted by Tamar on July 3, 2005, at 13:49:47
> > I’m not entirely sure I understand. Was your T suggesting that your husband might be cheating on you without your knowledge? Was he intending to get you to think about whether you rely too much on being able to tell if people are lying in order to be able to trust them? Was he trying to encourage you to think of different ways of trusting people (e.g. trusting people on the basis of consistent behaviour)?
Okay, here is all the story. My husband was on a buisness trip in Germany. There is this women who likes my husband, has for many years. They were friends, I even warned my DH that I think she is interested in being more than friends. I told him to be careful being her friend. Well a couple of years ago she got breast cancer. He helped support her during that time. Well she has been getting too close to my DH. On a buisness trip, after they and many others had been drinking during a business dinner, she came to his hotel room and tried to seduce my DH. He said nothing physical happened and he told her he was married and didn't want her in the same way. Well she got embarrest and quit her job. This was about 3 months ago. I recently found out she has come back to work their again.
Well during all of this past 3 months, my DH has been emotionally distant, not wanting sex, and has been avoiding spending time with me alone. He told me he is attracted to her, and it felt good to be wanted by someone new, and it left him confused. He said he liked her, but he was confused on whether she meant more than a friend. He knows that if he cheats on me, our marriage is over. Well he finally broke down and told me this about a month ago. He is a very bad liar, at least I always thought so, and he told me all of this and that nothing physical happened. I believed him that nothing physical happened. Well my T said are you sure you can really read him as well as you think? My T said he is a very good liar and he doesn't think I could tell if he was lying. (which I told him I think I could tell).
Then we went on to something else.
> Yes, I think you should feel safe. I don’t think he should pull the rug out from under your feet. Not on purpose, anyway.Yes, this is what it felt like to me. My husband used to be the only one I could trust, now I am not too sure. And now one person that I thought I could trust too( my T ) is all being questioned.
I feel like I am on shaky ground. My DH has had a great marriage for 11 years until this year. I think if this problem didn't surface, I would probably almost done with therapy. It is so hard to talk about with my T .> It occurred to me that all therapists are probably good liars. They have to be able to keep their facial expressions blank in response to just about anything, and they have to be able to keep an even tone of voice no matter what they’re saying. But I’m not sure they should advertise the fact! And I doubt they actually need to lie to clients. I don’t think a therapist could gain much from lying to a client, especially a good therapist who has his client’s best interests at heart.
I agree, I don't want to know if he is telling me white lies. I want to feel safe and trust him.
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> >> I take your point. Your comparison with an abusive husband is a powerful and emotive one. Are you planning to use this example when you talk to him? I wonder if it’s just so powerful as to be a little dangerous… I only mean that if he doesn’t understand immediately what you mean, it could end up diverting the conversation…Can you expand on this thought, I was thinking of using this example to make my point on what he did to me. I was going to ask him just to sit back and let me talk and just listen to me, I will let him respond when I am done. I want to express myself and it might take awhile. I want him just to be patient and let me talk without interupting me.
> > (((((happyflower)))))
Thank for the hugs, some days we all just need that!
> The waiting is hard, isn’t it? Keep posting.Yes waiting is killing me. I hope he gets my card before he tries calling me. (maybe he doesn't intend on calling me anyways, without hearing from me first). Do you think if he calls me, I should just keep it short (since I already sent him a card that said I was sorry), and just confirm an appointment? Should I say much else, or do you think my card will be enough for him to know I am sorry? I appreciate your support Tamar! :) I really need support now, it is sad but true, I feel like my DH and my T has let me down. :(
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poster:happyflower
thread:522069
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050628/msgs/522970.html