Posted by daisym on June 22, 2005, at 23:52:12
In reply to Re: Confusing Session (long) » Tamar, posted by Daisym on June 22, 2005, at 16:30:09
>>>>>>. And once I’d figured out what it was (after spending a few days thinking I’d fallen in love) I started trying to figure out what to do about it.
<<<<OK, that is a HUGE question for me -- how DO you know whether you've fallen in love or not? I've been "married" to my husband since I was 18. I had one serious boyfriend before that and we went as far as kissing. (poor guy) I had a few other dates, but I drank my way through my senior year of high school so I don't remember much about them. I think the summer between high school and college was the only time I "experimented" sexually, but only when I'd been drinking ALOT. Let's just say that I usually kept all of my clothes on...
>>>>>>>Everything I read suggested I should talk to my therapist about it. I really didn’t want to. For several weeks I was consumed with longing for him between sessions, but when I was actually in session with him the problem didn’t seem too awful and I couldn’t imagine confessing. And I was sure his response would feel like a rejection and that I’d feel worse.
<<<<<The rejection things is a huge part of this. Having these feelings has triggered off the list of the things I don't like about myself physically, stuff I've always hated as well as stuff I thought I'd gotten OK with. In my head, I'm telling myself that part of the reason it isn't OK to have these feelings is that he deserves to have some sweet, beautiful young thing offer herself, that this is ludicrous that I would even think that he would be attracted to me. (Not that I think he is, but when I try to figure out what I want, part of that is him caring about me, more than the client stuff, and I don't think he does/could because I'm not attractive enough. Does that make any sense?) I guess it feels very egotistical and presumptuous.
<<<<<Eventually I decided I did want to tell him. Sort of. Maybe. After all, I trusted him, and many therapists seem to be able to handle that sort of thing with sensitivity. So a few times I started skirting the issue in session with the intention of telling him. But every time I did this he seemed to head me off at the pass. I thought either I was being paranoid, or I was approaching it wrong and he expected me to be able to come right out and say it. I really felt as if he was discouraging me from talking about it. And because of that I thought he must have guessed how I felt, and I concluded that he considered my feelings to be disgusting and unacceptable.
>>>>>OUCH. I'm sorry things happened this way. I did tell my therapist that I was worried that he would tell me he needed me to see someone else, that he couldn't cope with my feelings. I guess I'm lucky, when I skirt issues, he will help me bring them out. When I skirt questions though, he won't answer unless asked straight out.
<<<<<Recently I’ve come to think perhaps he had a theoretical orientation that involved keeping transference from becoming the focus of therapy (because it was short term therapy). But at the time I didn’t know about that possibility, and feeling unable to talk about it was enormously confusing and distressing. I continued to believe he thought I was utterly repulsive until he shook my hand in our very last session. Only when he actually touched me did I begin to think perhaps I wasn’t as untouchable and revolting to him as I’d assumed. And therefore it was only after termination that I finally understood I could have talked to him and he would have accepted whatever I had to say.
>>>>>>I'm sure you are probably right about his theoretical orientation. But since you didn't know that at the time, I'm sure it was painful. It must have gotten in the way for a while. I too believe I'm untouchable but it is because I think I'm scary. I guess I think he thinks that if he touches me, I'll REALLY have transference. That story about the woman who was needy about her hugs and her therapist labeled her greedy really sticks with me. I think I'm emotionally taxing enough.
<<<<<I didn’t want to make this post all about me. I simply realize how wonderful your situation is. Your therapist is not only aware of the likelihood of your developing sexual feelings towards him, but can also encourage you to talk about those feelings. Nothing you can say will shock him. Nothing you can say will disgust him. He’s never going to think your feelings are inappropriate. He’s never going to be overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings. I firmly believe he will help you to feel that any feelings of desire for him are acceptable and understandable, and that he will help you process them.
>>>>>>I want to wail at you, "HOW DO YOU KNOW HE IS NEVER GOING TO BE OVERWHELMED?"...sorry, didn't mean to shout. I do know I'm lucky. I wish I could claim to have chosen carefully but I had no idea what I needed when I started. He just "felt" right. Lucky for me he believes in long term therapy. Today he promised to come back from his vacation because "we aren't finished working." He said, "You know that right? I'm in this with you to the end..." My brain knows. My gut is all twisted up. I'm so afraid he will get perspective and realize just how intense this need for him is.
<<<<<<<From reading your post, I think you’re doing everything right. Keep being honest with him; it’s the best way to let him help you. You ask if it’s more acceptable to have childlike longings to be taken care of than to have more adult feelings… well, I’d say it might possibly feel less acceptable to you when you have adult feelings (like you said: you don’t allow it). But it’s not less acceptable to your therapist.
>>>>>>I guess the adult feelings are more confusing because there is this element of pride that comes into play. I felt kind of silly when I first felt these little kid feelings with him so intensely but I can accept the idea of regression and I can even accept that it is useful. But what could possibly be useful about arousal occurring in therapy? I don't have a clue what it means or what I'm supposed to learn from it. I think it is scary to be honest about this because I don't like surprises and I have no idea where these feelings are leading.
<<<<Although I never told my therapist about my feelings for him, I did find it extremely useful to work through those feelings on my own. So although it was extremely painful, I was ultimately glad that I had the feelings and that I had the resources to explore them and figure out what they meant to me. My therapist helped me with them indirectly by helping me learn to think psychologically. But I do feel it would be better to work through them with a therapist (which is why, if I do therapy again, it’ll be long term therapy with plenty of scope for transference).
>>>>>>I know this is really personal, and I completely understand if you decline to answer, but I'd like to know what they meant to you. Because I don't even have "X" to start with. How did you work through these feelings? In the middle of the night I am usually very, very honest with myself. I think I know what I've felt and I can sort of label things but I can't get a handle on why things are changing. And why are they changing into this?! Of all people, you would think I would know better than to offer someone this kind of information about me, to potentially use against me.
<<<<I know it’s a scary place. But I’m certain your therapist will help make it safer.
>>>>He's trying. Today I told him that I really, really wished that we were in the tree-house office. I needed the safety of the smaller space. He said, "ceilings too high here?" which is in reference to my escape mechanism of "sitting" up above us when things get too intense. He never asks me to come down, though he will sometimes ask me if I can come back into the room if I leave completely. Once he asked me if he could come up with me. I've been out the window a lot these days.
Thanks for the long post. I really want to "talk" about this as I struggle to understand it. I hope you don't mind all the questions.
poster:daisym
thread:516928
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050622/msgs/517403.html