Posted by tabitha on June 17, 2004, at 0:38:57
In reply to Re: Therapy Hangover sick day (long), posted by tabitha on June 16, 2004, at 23:00:47
feeling intermittently awful. I'm trying to divorce her. I've tried before, and failed. It seems the relationship has just become such a drain, so much negative, so little reward, and what reward there is, I have to give up chunks of myself to get it. But I'm so dependent, I don't know how I'll get through the loss. It's like losing my spouse, best friend, mother, and religion all at once.
I called a friend, the best I could come up with after her, and it was awful. Reminded me why I thought it was worth paying the money for her counsel. He just doesn't know how to listen, he sort of dissects my problems, tries to solve them, he actually pushed a plan on me, I was going along for the sake of the conversation, it was ridiculous, it was about moving to a new town where I don't know anyone, I said so if I'm still here in 6 months you'll be disappointed, right? He said yes. It's like we go through the same ritual every time we talk, we play Let's Fix Tabitha's Life. I just can't get into any other mode with him, so I'd quit calling at all, and here I was, desperate to talk to anyone, and I just got a big reminder why I let that relationship end, and why I thought my therapist was a better listener than my friends. Used to be at least, until we started playing Let's Argue About Group every session.
I just don't see how to get out. I don't have the support to get out. What support would it take to survive such a loss? Can I grit my teeth and get through it? Up the meds? Find a crutch, healthy or otherwise? If I could just make lists every day, what needs to be done, then march along doing it, I'd survive, right? One step in front of the other, the pain would lessen over time, I'd eventually get perspective.
This reminds me of being stuck in a really bad relationship once, and every time I made a decision to leave, the pain would start up, I had no idea how to cope with it, I had no idea it was normal to grieve a loss, so I'd think the pain was telling me I made the wrong choice, and I'd go back. That went on for a couple years, until he finally ended it for me. All I needed to know then was that grief feels awful, but it comes with loss, and it gets better eventually.
I got over that one, but honestly there are a couple losses in my life that I never did get over, and I'm afraid this will be one of them. I can't see going on with the center of my life taken out. Though I'm not so fond of my life, right? But it feels like therapy is the most meaningful part of it, the only meaningful part. How can I lose that?
Maybe this isn't the place to talk about it.
poster:tabitha
thread:357301
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040614/msgs/357446.html