Posted by tabitha on June 16, 2004, at 14:22:38
Well, it's been a long time since I've missed work due to therapy hangover, but I did today. And since I'm consulting now, I don't get paid. I also missed a dentist appointment. Why? I cried so much last night after my session, this morning my eyes are swollen like 2 golfballs. I've never seen anything like it. It's like I have one huge puffy eyelid, then another one above that-- double puffy eyelids. Even my nose is swollen.
I was so upset after the group I called for a phone session. Therapy to deal with therapy. Still couldn't quit crying. Felt better for about an hour, then it got worse again. Plus I was mean and childish on the phone, and felt bad for that, and ended up leaving an apologetic message after 11pm.
What happened was, this woman in the group, at the very end of the session, told me how she's angry and jealous toward me. She's angry when I talk about how my social life is inadequate, and I spend so many holidays and weekends alone. She couldn't really explain why this makes her angry, but I'm already ashamed of it, and fighting the shame, so any disapproval on top of the pain of isolation and the shame over it, well it just cut me. And the jealousy, that was all news to me, but I had actually said outside the group, to my therapist, that I was afraid the women in the group would be jealous over some things, and my therapist, miss pollyanna, said no, not everyone feels jealous when someone else gets a compliment, that their egos may be well-fed, so they don't need to get approval all the time. You all know how hard I try to believe her sunny view, so I forgot those fears, but it turns out the fears were right, and it was even worse than I thought, since she was jealous over more things I never imagined.
So listening to this all, I just felt so rejected, blind-sided, shamed, and dumped on. Also during it, I was asking her to explain the anger about my social life, and she couldn't articulate it, so my therapist started throwing out helpful suggestions, all of which were terribly unflattering, such as I'm playing victim. Finally I just started sobbing openly, not the usual few tears I've shed in group, I couldn't even talk, then the session was over so there was no time to process it. I cried most of the drive home, couldn't quit crying, ended up calling for the awful phone session.
She didn't have much time on the phone, but as usual, she had her alternate universe interpretation of what happened. She says this woman was not rejecting me or dumping on me, that she was trying to get closer to me by sharing her feelings. She says anger and jealousy are normal feelings in intimate relationships, and they need to be talked about, to remove the barriers to intimacy. She said I need to have better boundaries, so I can tolerate disapproval.
I try to see it that way, but I can't. I think I could handle such negative stuff from someone if I felt that they were a friend, but with this woman, I've always felt she doesn't like me much, so it just felt like rejection and getting dumped on. Plus she's been talking about leaving the group, so I'd kind of given up on connecting with her. I had just gotten to a place of accepting that I'm not her best friend, and that's OK, and it isn't personal, that maybe she just doesn't want to invest in the relationship with me since I'm fairly new and she's thinking of leaving anyway. My therapist seemed to think this was healthy thinking on my part. So I'm not getting how the first steps to friendship are hearing all these negative feelings. When I hear negative stuff from someone I don't know well, I think 'go away' or 'I'm being attacked', I don't think 'oh, how nice, she's trying to get close to me'.
Then I'm having a huge argument with my therapist over this, because I've told her I didn't think this woman liked me, which seems to not go over too well, she said I was distorting, so I'd started saying she just hasn't warmed up to me, and it seemed my therapist would accept that view. Well now, I realize she probably knew about this woman's negative feelings from her individual sessions, so I'm angry that she talked me into trusting her, so this perceived attack came as a bigger surprise, as I'd talked myself into thinking things were OK with her.
And we're having a secondary argument, over whether I'm 'just choosing to be alone', which my therapist has said, and this woman also said, so I think she'll support her in saying it. That makes little sense to me, because if I was choosing to be alone, well then wouldn't I be OK with it? To me that whole line of 'you're just choosing this', is just what people say when they can't help and are sick of hearing about it. I mean, what am I supposed to do with that pronouncement? Oh yes you're right. I've been choosing to be alone. Tomorrow I choose to have a nurturing network of friends and a wonderful partner. Poof! problem solved!
I just feel like cr*p today. And I'm mad that I'm wasting my life being upset over therapy, which is supposed to make life better. I'm sitting here in my bathrobe, in my messy house, with my puffy eyes, and I can't even go to starbucks looking like this. It's not a good picture. This has to be an all-time low.
And I feel rejected by my therapist, as it seems I'm starting to get the tough love treatment, which, when that doesn't work, there's nowhere to go with the relationship. Like OK, how about I save money and just not go back until I can choose to be different, because for now all we do is argue, and I feel more ashamed over being mean and childish. If I think about it I'll cry more.
The whole point of group is supposed to be learning about intimacy. So, here it is, intimacy-- but to me it feels like virtual strangers telling me all the things they don't like about me. I don't really want to hear that. How can so many therapists make money selling this stuff?
poster:tabitha
thread:357301
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040614/msgs/357301.html