Posted by DaisyM on April 27, 2004, at 1:08:47
I was struck by part of Garden Girl's post above:
>>>>As time progresses, I find, though, that even though I have an urge to call him at times, (when I am especially frazzled or feeling really good), I can wait until my session. I am learning, I think, to contain things myself rather than have him help me contain them.
<<<<<<I continue to struggle and struggle with this issue because what I read about clients "bothering" their Therapist and what mine seems to want me to do, doesn't fit.
Due to my work schedule I didn't see my Therapist for almost 6 days. This is the longest I've gone for a while. I had two difficult bouts with anxiety and one major melt down. I didn't call him. Even though he asked me last week if I was going to be able to call him from the conference, if I needed him, even over the weekend. He specifically brought it up and reminded me it was OK just to reach out and check in. I didn't even have to know WHY I want to talk to him, knowing I wanted to was reason enough.
We spent the session today talking about why I hadn't called and how it felt to not allow myself to call him because I wanted to "make it through" until today. He asked me "what did it prove," and "who wins?" when you don't call. I told him I'm trying to prove to myself, and him, that I am still competent enough to go 5 days without my Therapist. (cross the arms and the legs, lift chin)! That I can contain my own feelings and "wait."
He said he could see why I might want to do that, but perhaps only the adult me wanted/needed to prove this competence. He wanted to hear from the younger me who he suspected needed her Therapist over the weekend without being able to verbalize why. Perhaps the melt down was from her and the anxiety was the clue that something wasn't right and I should begin to listen to that.
I asked him if he was expecting this discussion today. He admitted he was surprised that he hadn't heard from me because early last week was pretty stressful with my hubby and he knew I was under a lot of pressure. He said that he thought I had done a great job of allowing myself to need him lately and he knew it would be hard to miss sessions. He added that he had checked his service "a number of times" over the weekend because he had said he would be available. (Then he quickly added that I didn't need to worry about that, I didn't inconvenience him or anything. Man, he really is getting to know me!)
Even after this intense discussion, I continue to be confused as to the right thing to do. He opens the door to contact, tells me it is OK and I do this whole "what I think I should do" argument that conflicts with the part of me that wants to call him. If I read GG right, containing herself is a sign that she is making progress in therapy. If I read my Therapist right, he thinks reaching out for help in the containment would be progress in therapy. *sigh* I NEED THE RULE BOOK!!!
I tell him this all the time. Once he threw a bunch of books on the floor and said, "You can start with those, they all argue with each other." LOL He then gave the "each therapy is an individual journey" speech so comparisons aren't helpful.
I don't know what I'm running from or why this is such a hurdle for me. I trust him totally. But I can't get past the feelings of needing him "too much," even though I realize I'm paying for it.
Insight? Advice?
Daisy
poster:DaisyM
thread:340454
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040426/msgs/340454.html