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Re: Forever therapy

Posted by mair on April 26, 2003, at 10:06:05

In reply to Re: Forever therapy allisonf, posted by Dinah on April 26, 2003, at 7:26:15

I picked up on this thread late. I frequently worry that I'm not making enough progress in therapy because I'm not fully committed or haven't allowed myself to form a strong connection with my therapist. I also sometimes tell her that i think she's the only one working in our therapy sessions. I've seen her for 4+ years now and twice a week for about 2 of them. She continually reassures me that she sees progress, that I shouldn't worry about being the "perfect patient," that I'm not her longest-running patient, and that she doesn't think I'm going to be there forever. When I'm looking at things more clearly I can see the progress too but I get frustrated by how slow the process is. She's also pretty convinced that it would be a huge mistake for me to terminate therapy and has jokingly said she'd go to great lengths to keep from letting that happen.

I started going 2x a week coming off a period when I was in very bad shape. I've come to see however that her desire to have me there that frequently has less to do with my sometimes precarious mental state and far more to do with the difficulty i have getting over the trust hump. I think she's trying to help me form that stronger connection and would view my becoming more dependent as a good sign.

I'm not at all thrilled about talking to her about our relationship, but fortunately she is and I do have to say it's getting easier for me to have difficult conversations. She's not obsessive about boundaries - there are lots of times when she shares information with me, particularly when we're comparing notes on managing things as working mothers.

But all that being said, I don't like that therapy is such a difficult process for me and I still wonder a lot of the time whether there's anything she really can do for me. Sometimes I question whether her confidence in my ability to get stronger through therapy is not grounded in reality as much as it is an outgrowth of her own overly optimistic view of what therapy can accomplish. I mean if therapists can't believe in therapy who can? Also sometimes I think she'd never terminate me even if she thought therapy with me wasn't a worthwhile exercise for me because she wouldn't want to trigger all of the rejection issues I have. Also when you have as much invested in a relationship or a process as I do, who wants to suddenly decide that it's all been a huge waste of money?

I have no easy answers for any of this. The bottom line is that I have to fall back on the notion that she knows what she's doing - so it all comes back to the "T" word (trust).





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