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Re: Forever therapy Dinah

Posted by fallsfall on April 21, 2003, at 10:22:03

In reply to Re: Forever therapy fallsfall, posted by Dinah on April 21, 2003, at 8:17:30

My therapist still worries that I'm not getting better (and that is a reasonable worry). 18 months ago I did a bad thing. I typed her name in a search engine and collected some information about her (personal) life from there and other sources. I ended up with her address and phone number, email address, her husband and kids' names, her AIM screenname. I put her on my buddy list and watched when she was online. She almost threw me out. I understand why. 2 months ago, I searched on her name again. I read a couple of articles she had written, and then found a committee she was on - and her name was a link. I followed the link, and it was email - with her email address again. I closed the windows and said "I'm not going there". That was the incident that started the current crisis. I was searching on her to find a picture, or something that would help me feel connected. I was feeling needy that day and there was a snowstorm so I was afraid that our session would be cancelled. We had the session and I told her what I did (she asked why I told her - hello! I tell you everything). She said she wasn't mad (the professional side of her), but I could tell that she really was (the personal side of her - she has since agreed that she was mad). Two weeks later she talked about throwing me out because I was too dependent. I (somehow) lived through that week. She consulted with my pdoc (across the hall) and decided I could stay. Now I'm afraid to talk to her because I don't want to make her mad. We're working on that. It's like she's a completely different person. I am willing to work on the dependency stuff. I know that has to be done. But between her coldness now and threats of going from weekly to every other week, I am a basket case.

I left my husband 4 years ago. Best thing I ever did. So that is pretty even now.

All of my friends have mental illnesses. Even when I think I'm making friends with someone normal, they turn out to have BiPolar. But the 2 friends who attempted are 2 of my 3 best friends (the 3rd has been in therapy for 14 years). For each of them I am their best friend. They both were really serious and wanted to succeed. Last week one of them and I took another friend to the hospital, we visited her yesterday. My therapist keeps telling me to get some healthy friends. But that takes a lot of effort (and I don't have a lot of energy). So, yeah there is a bit of stress in my life. The funny thing is that I don't feel like I can unburden myself on these friends, partly because they are having their own issues. They haven't turned me away - I haven't asked (but I am starting to ask now). I need to work on that.

I went to a couple of groups 8 years ago, and when this first started going down with my therapist I went to see one of my old group leaders. I wasn't crazy about her group - it was pretty confrontational, and I was really fragile, and she didn't step in at all - but I liked the individual sessions getting ready to join the group, and she gave me some sessions when my therapist was on vacation. It was wonderful to see her. She was very helpful, I felt cared for. I was frantic when I saw her and she calmed me down. So yes, I think I could live with a different therapist. And some days I think that would be easier than living through this with mine. I feel like she's not there for me, so it is like the dependency has been broken, but I have to deal with it by myself because I "don't" have a therapist.

I feel a little better today than I have been feeling. But I see her tomorrow.

I appreciate your conversation.




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