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Re: Update Lorainne, Elizabeth, et. al. » Lorraine

Posted by shelliR on September 14, 2001, at 11:06:10

In reply to Re: Update Lorainne, Elizabeth, et. al. » shelliR, posted by Lorraine on September 13, 2001, at 11:53:33

Hi Lorraine,

> I lived in DC for a summer as a law intern. Loved it. Might not want to live there because I suspect it's a bit provicial for all it's big city trappings--at least it was then (25 years ago).

I think it's probably still true in lawyer circles and some other work type situations, but I'm not much connected to that world. I imagine though in general, it is more formal. Like I wouldn't ever go into the city wearing shorts, even discounting my age and my enlarged body. Like in Santa Fe, all bodies wore shorts. :-) (or western hippie attire.)

> (hey, you want to meet me in santa fe next summer? :-) )
> I thought you didn't like meeting psychobabblers;-). I don't know how our summer plans are shaping up (what with the kids and all summer gets crazy). But I might go to the east coast next summer. If I do, we might get together.

Well, I actually I don't think I was serious. And I'm still not feeling like bringing board life into real life. I am too vulnerable now, and need to stay light. Today I got an invitation to come out to Sierra Vista, AZ, which is supposed to be quite beautiful. The invite was from a client who just moved out there, but I don't know them well; just photographed them once recently. So I wouldn't feel comfortable taking her up on it, although I would call them if I get out there.

I meet a lot of interesting people doing what I do, but they are generally in a very different life situation, so although we like each other very much, the friendship doesn't extend into private social interactions, generally, although there have been exceptions. Interestingly, the exceptions are generally from the UK--I think they are more open about who they invite to their parties; they seem to enjoy diversity.

> > > > Well I saw my pdoc again today, because I have plummeted down in the last two days and we were talking hospitalization. Again.
> I'm so sorry to hear this. You are going through a terribly rough patch, right now. Eventually, it will get better. The hard part is that you (and I) don't even know if we are on the right meds now and the urge to find an answer is so strong; it's easy to just move on before the right med has a chance to work (Nardil took 5 weeks for you--I just finished 5 weeks on Parnate.) It's the old advice shelli, when you are depressed don't look at the big picture only focus on details or distract yourself. This is a terrible time to try to distract yourself with TV though. I know you know all this, still..

Well, I've never used TV as a distraction. It doesn't engage enough of my mine for it to be a distraction. Although watching tennis is a large distraction for me (and it doesn't engage my mind either). If I can get into reading, that engages me more than anything, and it's good if I am already into a book so it doesn't involve transition.

I have not done any work this week so far, including printing, etc. I finally started returning phone calls today. I also had a few conversations with my sister (out of state) and can feel her concern and just talked to my therapist friend for about an hour on the phone, about therapy; sort of her view as a therapist; do any patients make her feel insecure, etc. It sounds like she feels very confident in her work and enjoys it quite a bit. She is working with more children recently and finds the pressure much greater. This is because of the part their parents play in creating (or reinforcing) their problems, and also because, sort of what you say about your kids, they are only this age once. You don't want them to have to compensate later for missing a developmental stage, so there is much a more immediate need to get them on track. It's always interesting to talk to her. She's about the only friend that I talk about medication with, more than just mentioning that it has changed again.

> I am now pretty sure it has to do with the horror of yesterday piled up on top of my depression. I couldn’t trace it though, until I read a post from Anna (sweetmarie) saying how she had definitely experienced a downward plunge, after the news.
> I've been feeling this too. I try not to listen to the news too much. My husband wants it on all the time, but I feel like climbing out of my skin when it's on so much. I reorganized the cabinets in the house to distract myself. I definately need to distract myself from this--I have no tolerance for stress and this is definately stressful. Avoidance is how I now deal with stress. I try to insulate myself from it. I have to. I've thought of looking at churches to attend actually, although I am not religious, I just think the structure, the ritual, the "words" might be soothing now.

I tried that years ago, and never found that, unfortunately. I have always had a hard time identifying with groups that I can't embrace completely. Sometimes that is not a good way to be, but I think it's just a part of my makeup.
> > >I am very shaky and not sure that I can handle work.
> So this is a photo shoot. Long time commitment. And you don't just get lost in the work once you start? Photo shooting sounds like the essence of detail and distraction to me if you are up to it.

I hope it will feel like that; it always has before. I am going to *try* to limit my sittings this fall because of my depression. I would rather do that than go in the hospital. I don't see any benefit in being in the hospital now, aside from keeping me alive, which I'd rather do outside the hospital.
> > > > Too late, I already took a split pill. It’s not time release so I can’t imagine why there would be a problem.
> Wow, you are moving fast. I need to increase my dose of Nardil (still 15 mg) but am a bit anxious about doing it. Do you remember if you had any anxiety when you were beginning Nardil?

I'm going fast, because I've been there before without any startup problems. I'd be going much faster if I wasn't taking wellbutrin still.
I don't recall having any side effects when I started, but it was so long ago. I was just aware of waiting for it to kick in , and waiting and waiting, feeling very depresssed and then it really did kick in. I went with some friends to the beach (just for the day) right after it kicked in and I remember that I couldn't stop talking. I talked the entire day without shutting up. That's why I am suspicious of this new trend of labeling people bipolar II based on drug induced hypermania. Because it was a temporary thing for me, but the antidepressant events went on for years.

> > So day three, any more news? When are you going to raise your dose and do you have any idea of how high you are intending to go? I started on 45mg (well, within one week, if I remember right), but generally through the years I have kept my dose at 30mg because of sleep disturbances which were minimal at 30mg.
> I'll probably go to 1 1/2 pills today this is how sure I am that my pharmacist was not right). I probably won't get to a very high dose. I'd be surprised if I go over 30 mg.

Well, as I said, I did consistently okay on 30mg, but I never felt totally without depression in my life. But I had a lot of stuff to work out. This feels much more biochemical, and that's how my pdoc refers to it.

> I also had very strange and scarey experiences not adjusting to natural light changes (especially from inside to outdoor sunlight) when I had been on 45mg for about six months.
> Wellbutrin caused me to have visual trails and made lights dance--especially coming from a dark space (movie theatre or waking up) to a light space (movie theatre restroom).

This was very very scary because I would "white" out. I became literally blinded by light and it became dangerous because at one point I couldn't figure out where the sidewalk connected to the street, and I had to get some workmen to help me across the street into a building. I'm sure they thought I was drunk. I am sensitive to light, but not literally blinded by it. Coming off the beach, out of the bright light and reflection, same experience. When I went back to 30mg and 45mg premenstrually it never happened again.

> You know I like being alone. And I have been so busy--I'm painting the house and so forth. Also when I drive the kids, the other parents pull me aside and talk to me. They like me :-)
So I'm actually a bit more social than usual.

Yes, being a parent does have some social advantages like that, connections. Because I work with kids all the time and find them interesting, I talk easily to parents about their kids. Some confide a lot to me. It's nice; many times I get to follow kids through different ages.

I am rethinking lamictal, since it was of such benefit to me as an adjunct. Rethinking that perhaps there is a safe way to prevent all the fluid retention it caused me. I know it’s not as simple as taking diuretics, because I already tried that, but I have copied some info off the board which may be useful.





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