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Re: Shelli are you ok? » Lorraine

Posted by shelliR on September 19, 2001, at 11:12:05

In reply to Re: Shelli are you ok? » shelliR, posted by Lorraine on September 19, 2001, at 9:25:07

> Shelli: Are you ok? Haven't heard in a while--worried.
>
> Lorraine

Hi Lorraine.

I haven't had much good to write. I am not doing too well.
It is so horrible to say this but I feel like I'm ready to give up. But I could not do that to my parents, and my sister has been so clear in how much I mean to her. I actually used to get something from going into the hospital, sort of a place to get a way from work and get stable. But the last two times have been more negative than positive, so I am trying to stay out.

Yesterday I faxed my pdoc (he's left today for five days), asking if I could increase my morning dose of oxy and even though I talked to his office staff and they promised me they would get back to me by the end of the day, they didn't. So I have upped the oxy in the morning by 10mg. If he has a problem with that, too bad. I am having no problem with the nardil and wellbutrin (no BP problems) but he wants to wait a week for the next increase. As I said in the last post I am rethinking nardil and lamictal, my best combo, if my pdoc can plan out a way to cut at least half of the water weight gain. (I cannot accept adding 15 lbs, and it was also very uncomfortable weight). Last time I weighed myself I had lost 10.5 lbs since May, so I have 20 more to go until I feel comfortable in my body. (I'm 5'6, just to give you an idea that with twenty extra pounds I am not obese or anything, just not me, or more of me than I can tolerate!)

It is so hard to work with my pdoc; he keeps ignoring me when I want to talk about buprenorphine over oxy or try to talk about lamictal. He says I'm changing enough at the moment, and as you truely understand, it works better for me to always have one eye to the future, to what's next. So eventually, I think he will let me try it, but I'm not sure how I will react to it anyway. I'm not sure what the answer is for me.

Monday, I was thinking of having businesses both here, and in Arizona. Then Tuesday, I was completely suicidal. I do believe that the happenings of Tues have affected me much more than I am consciously aware and just sort of sent me into a different zone, that I can't seem to climb out of. Lots of people in my life are telling me this about their lives. Not that they want to die, but just how things have not yet gone back to normal in their psyches. In addition, in the middle of this I have gotten my period three times in the last seven weeks. I have an appointment next week to see my gyn but I think she's pretty much thinking the depression has been there too long for me to treat exclusively through hormones, but I definitely know that is the reason, everything got thrown off in the last year and a half. It is so frustrating because before that, things in my life were finally feeling really managable and I was willing to move into "new" areas regarding relationships. Actually it will be two years ago this Christmas that nardil was no longer able bounce me back from short depressions, as it had for years and years.

So that's good that you aren't having any side effects with nardil. I truely am very optimistic for you. Nardil is my security drug and I'd rather take it and work with adjuncts again, then to try again a new base antidepressant.

Please don't worry. I have good friends, healthy parents, a sister, and a therapist to support me. And if I lose faith in mypdoc I would probably go to Boston and check myself into either McLean or Mass General.

I hate writing bad news. Again that damn shame thing comes into play. Have a lot of work to do on that even if/when this depression lifts

I hope you are continuing to do well,

Shelli


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poster:shelliR thread:67742
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