![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 24 to 48 of 48. Go back in thread:
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 8, 2005, at 19:38:01
In reply to Re: How do I get GP to consider other meds? » Shy_Girl, posted by chemist on May 8, 2005, at 13:16:47
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 8, 2005, at 19:38:55
In reply to Re: I need some help, I'm going to return the rope » Shy_Girl, posted by Larry Hoover on May 6, 2005, at 22:17:23
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 8, 2005, at 20:10:16
In reply to Re: Sorry everyone » Shy_Girl, posted by alexandra_k on May 8, 2005, at 6:12:29
> The world feels especially unreal to me when I am stressed out or really tired or sick. But it does feel like that sometimes. It is called derealisation. The other one is depersonalisation. Thats when you don't feel that you are real.
When I was little, I used to get these "spells" where I wasn't sure if the world and I were real or not...if the universe existed (weird, but this is what I thought about as a child). I would really freak out, panic...the world became dreamlike...the physical world separated from myself. I was outside the universe. I would think (even as a child), I don't exist, I've never been born...but then, what is this I see? How can the world exist when I don't exist? The universe is ceasing to exist...and so on and so forth. It's kind of wierd, but I thought of these things as a kid...the nature of existing and existence...it got pretty metaphysical at times and really freaked me out.
> It is a feeling that comes and goes.
It is terrifying to me at times.
> But please don't feel that you haven't been accepted here.I'm not a very socially adept person. Relating to people in a meaningful way will take some time and getting used to. There is much to learn.
> And now I am disfigured by failed attempts.
> Believe me, that was not worth it.
> If I could take that back - I would.Sorry about the reminders of past pains...it must be tough to bare those scars.
When I was in the hospital for my ASA overdose, I didn't want to die, but there was a point where I thought I really was going to die. I was nauseous, my ears were ringing, I could barely hear and my mind was confused. I got really scared...I didn't want to die. I just lay there, wishing with all my might that it was all just a bad dream...I didn't know how I was going to deal with things if I messed up my kidneys or liver or something.
> Would your hamster like a friend?My hamster is a Syrian hamster, teddybear (long haired). He is very territorial and would probably kill a cagemate :-)
> You say your mum works real hard to give you and your sister a decent life.
> That makes me think that one of the biggest insults you could do her would be to kill yourself.I think you are right. I don't think my mom will survive if I killed myself. She's been depressed in the past and thought of killing herself. If I kill myself, she might not be able to take it. It's just so unfair though, how she never enjoys herself...she sacrifices everythig for me and my sister.
> I let them dictate my future for too long
> They made me feel hopeless.It takes a lot of strength to beat the odds. I hope I can more like you :-)
> Yeah. I get that one. Really. I never wanted to die. Just wanted the pain to stop. Thought death meant that I would never ever have to feel pain again. But, you know, it also means that you will never ever have the chance to feel happiness either.
Ya, there is sooo much I haven't experienced...I may as well be a 5 year old really. I think I will stick around just to experience things...good and bad.
Just hope I don't accidentally kill myself in one of my "tantrums." I'm pretty rational most of the time...it is just the "tantrums" that worry me. I just don't know how to control myself then. Some of them are exactly like tantrums of a 2 year old, believe it or not...kicking, screaming, crying...going crazy basically.
Thanks for your thoughtful response(((Alex)))
Shy Girl
Posted by alexandra_k on May 9, 2005, at 1:31:53
In reply to Re: Thanks Alex :-) » alexandra_k, posted by Shy_Girl on May 8, 2005, at 20:10:16
> When I was little, I used to get these "spells" where I wasn't sure if the world and I were real or not...if the universe existed (weird, but this is what I thought about as a child). I would really freak out, panic...the world became dreamlike...the physical world separated from myself. I was outside the universe. I would think (even as a child), I don't exist, I've never been born...but then, what is this I see? How can the world exist when I don't exist? The universe is ceasing to exist...and so on and so forth. It's kind of wierd, but I thought of these things as a kid...the nature of existing and existence...it got pretty metaphysical at times and really freaked me out.
I got that too!
I think that is why I got into philosophy.
Did a little bit of Descartes in my first year
(How do you know you aren't dreaming right now? In fact how do you know that you havent been dreaming all your life and you have never come into contact with reality?)
I was hooked from there :-)It used to get really bad for me on overcast days. Just before a storm. Maybe it had to do with the electricity in the air or something..
> I'm not a very socially adept person. Relating to people in a meaningful way will take some time and getting used to. There is much to learn.I feel the same. In fact, I'm sure most of us do. I think that when it comes to people skills and relationships life is just one whole learning curve for everybody.
> When I was in the hospital for my ASA overdose, I didn't want to die, but there was a point where I thought I really was going to die. I was nauseous, my ears were ringing, I could barely hear and my mind was confused. I got really scared...I didn't want to die. I just lay there, wishing with all my might that it was all just a bad dream...I didn't know how I was going to deal with things if I messed up my kidneys or liver or something.
Yeah.
Are you able to remember that really vividly?
Maybe write it out a couple of times so it is really vivid to you.
Then when you do have times
(as I'll admit I still do sometimes)
When you think suicide really is an option - then think of that.I had a similar thing.
Being told I'd never walk without crutches.
I realised that I wanted to live
And I wanted to be able to walk without them.
And now I can.
And I don't have very many urges to hurt myself.
I haven't hurt myself since then.
But I think it is reflecting on that when I am going through a rough patch that keeps me going.
Well... That, and the knowledge that there are at least some people in the world who would prefer it if I was alive.
Babble.
The people here.
Don't know if it will work for you,
But I hope it does :-)
> My hamster is a Syrian hamster, teddybear (long haired). He is very territorial and would probably kill a cagemate :-)Ah. Best kept by his self then ;-)
> She's been depressed in the past and thought of killing herself. It's just so unfair though, how she never enjoys herself...she sacrifices everythig for me and my sister.Can you talk to her a bit? It sounds like she might be helpful to talk to? If she has been there too then she might be able to understand where you are coming from rather than judging you or thinking that it is all her fault. How about your sister. I was thinking yesterday that it really is a very big thing for you to be keeping the fact that you pulled out of school from everyone. You will get back to it. Really. I believe in you :-) But it is also true that you are having a break at the mo. Is it very hard to tell them? What are you going to do when they ask you about your grades etc?
> It takes a lot of strength to beat the odds. I hope I can more like you :-)
Better.
:-)
I hope you do even better than me.
And I hope I learn to do better too...
But if I could have seen where I'd be now 5 years ago...
That would have helped me through.
Really.
But I couldn't see into the future
And I never would have dreamed it was possible.
Not that things are perfect.
Not by a long shot.
But they are so very much better than they were.
Those big black holes are further apart (much so)
And don't last so long when they are there.
And I don't think they are quite as deep.
> Just hope I don't accidentally kill myself in one of my "tantrums." I'm pretty rational most of the time...it is just the "tantrums" that worry me. I just don't know how to control myself then. Some of them are exactly like tantrums of a 2 year old, believe it or not...kicking, screaming, crying...going crazy basically.Yeah. I think I get that too.
Not for a while.
I was pretty emotion phobic.
But inside it was like living on a horrible emotional roller coaster.
Up and down
And the odd everything being turned upside down.
It was awful.
Thats where the meds can help a little.Have you heard of 'mindfulness meditation'.
That can help.
I found it helped me learn to control my rages.
Well...
It helped me feel them
Instead of pushing them away in my fear of them (and getting really depressed as a result)
And it helped by letting me experience them in a controlled manner
So I could learn that they do pass
And how to help them come to pass
And cope with them while they were present.(((Shygirl)))
Hang in there.
Posted by Dr. Bob on May 9, 2005, at 13:52:22
In reply to Re: Dr. Bob, I'm extremely sorry..., posted by Shy_Girl on May 8, 2005, at 15:38:09
Posted by octopusprime on May 9, 2005, at 23:30:13
In reply to Re: How do I get GP to consider other meds? » Shy_Girl, posted by chemist on May 8, 2005, at 13:16:47
i've done this before, i've asked for a psychiatric evaluation at a walk-in clinic in canada, and i got one (ok, it was a few weeks later, but still)
here is a script for you shygirl
i felt more comfortable doing this with a doctor i have never met beforewhen you sit down in the doctor's office, the doctor will ask what is wrong.
i'll suggest your reply: "i went to ***mart to buy rope to hang myself. i'd like a psychiatric evaluation."
just say it matter-of-fact, no work up, no nothing. the doctor is a medical professional. over the course of the conversation you will disclose to the doctor that you are taking medications. tell the doctor the medications aren't working. you have the rope as evidence of that.
make a deal with the doctor: you want to try new medications, you don't want to go to the hospital just to be discharged in 48 hours. the hospitals are overcrowded anyway. but THIS IS SERIOUS and you are suffering. you will get something to help you through the worst of this. and you should get a referral (for free) to get a different doctor.
i have received a psych work-up using a very similar method (except in my case, i was not suicidal but i was acting out sexually, and my line to the doctor was that i needed emergency contraception, STD prophylaxis, and a psych work-up. the jaw on the doctor dropped, and he only prescribed my old drugs (which included seroquel 50mg), but i got all three things no trouble)
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 10, 2005, at 0:03:26
In reply to a walk-in clinic in canada - shygirl, posted by octopusprime on May 9, 2005, at 23:30:13
> here is a script for you shygirl
> i felt more comfortable doing this with a doctor i have never met beforeI'm more comfortable talking to people who don't know me very well too. The family doctor my family sees is very forgetful...I wonder if it has something to do with her age. I don't think she even remembers me...it's been ages since I've see a doctor for a physical problem. (not counting the hospital stay for the overdose of course).
> when you sit down in the doctor's office, the doctor will ask what is wrong.
>
> i'll suggest your reply: "i went to ***mart to buy rope to hang myself. i'd like a psychiatric evaluation."Hmmm...I feel really silly about it now, I'm in a pretty good mood now and can't imagine how I got to such a point. I'm not sure I really need to see a doctor anymore...I don't think there is anything seriously wrong with me. Hmmm...but I must have been in a very bad way...I sort of remember I was feeling really really bad.
> tell the doctor the medications aren't working. you have the rope as evidence of that.
I don't know if I need to be on medication anymore...I feel pretty good right now. Hmmmm...but I think I will be in a bad way again. I will ask about that I guess, but it might to hard to convince the doc that I'm disordered if I'm the way I am now. :-)
I'm quite confused...is there something wrong with me or not? I think maybe there is, since I look through my old posts and I absolutely cannot believe what I wrote! Hmmm...should I put off seeing the doc until I feel bad again? Or should I go as soon as I can?Well, thanks so much for the advice. I feel much better knowing that the walk-in clinic is an option.
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 10, 2005, at 0:07:28
In reply to a walk-in clinic in canada - shygirl, posted by octopusprime on May 9, 2005, at 23:30:13
Posted by Gabbi-x-2 on May 10, 2005, at 0:19:35
In reply to Re: Returning the rope tomorrow :-) (nm), posted by Shy_Girl on May 10, 2005, at 0:07:28
Usually as a courtesy to other posters if someone is posting on a topic that may trigger
strong feelings in another (ie.violence, abuse, self injury detailed suicidal thoughts) It's considered polite to put a *TRIGGER* warning in the subject heading.
There's nothing written about this in the FAQ, so as a new poster you probably had no idea
It would be appreciated though.
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 10, 2005, at 0:58:23
In reply to Re: Returning the rope tomorrow :-) » Shy_Girl, posted by Gabbi-x-2 on May 10, 2005, at 0:19:35
> Usually as a courtesy to other posters if someone is posting on a topic that may trigger
> strong feelings in another (ie.violence, abuse, self injury detailed suicidal thoughts) It's considered polite to put a *TRIGGER* warning in the subject heading.
> There's nothing written about this in the FAQ, so as a new poster you probably had no idea
> It would be appreciated though.Ok, I'll try really hard to remember this...violence, abuse, SI and suicide...ok, I think I've got it.
Thanks
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 10, 2005, at 1:11:34
In reply to Re: Returning the rope tomorrow :-) » Shy_Girl, posted by Gabbi-x-2 on May 10, 2005, at 0:19:35
I feel really bad now about what I've done
Gabbi-x-2. Please forgive me....D*rn it, I can't believe even mild criticism is making me feel this way. Ok, I'm going to fight this feeling really hard. I'm ok, the world doesn't hate me...I'm going to make it.
Again, I feel incredibily bad about what I've done. I hope I haven't hurt people...I must have though...Dr. Bob is not a robot, I must have at least made him uneasy. I feel really really terrible about this. I feel like I don't deserve to live...but this will make people feel bad as well. I think I better shut-*p.
Posted by 10derHeart on May 10, 2005, at 1:46:54
In reply to Re: I'm sorry ***TRIGGER?** » Gabbi-x-2, posted by Shy_Girl on May 10, 2005, at 1:11:34
jenny,
It's okay. I think Gabbi was just giving you some information, plain and simple. To help you to help others get their needs met, too. Like we all have to learn IRL every day, IMO. Which on Babble can sometimes be to choose not to read about certain things. That's all. Maybe try to give it a different name, and that will help. Helps me sometimes. Instead of criticism, how about assistance, guidance, help or direction? Better that way, isn't it? You know one reason why? Because others wouldn't give any of these things (which are all good, even if a little uncomfortable) to someone they didn't care about, or want to help get along in the world easier or better. Like Gabbi just did with trigger warnings on Babble. Now you know, just like all of us once didn't know, and then we knew. If we can just take away some of the emotional stuff there, that's really all that happened.
But you know, I really, really did understand what you wrote about the sudden, devastating effect of criticism or what's worse, *seeming* criticism. I get that too, sometimes. I'll feel defensive and like crying, or maybe hiding or running away. Or even angry and don't know who I'm angry with! I definitely want to call myself names, like stupid, etc. All over someone saying the littlest thing to me. It's almost as if I have to be absolutely perfect. I have to know everything, whether or not there's any way I could have known it. I have to do everything exactly right, every minute. I have to be perfect. I can never be different. I have to conform. Is is sort of like that for you?
Should, should, should. See all the "shoulds" when we slip into that thinking? Isn't it almost silly when we looking calmly and rationally at it later? But not funny when it happens, 'cause it scares me - it's so extreme, and it really hurts.
If someone points out just some small thing, a suggestion, a change that might help, in the nicest way possible, I can still feel awful and like a failure. I've learned to spot this more often and even stop it sometimes. But that ability took a LONG time and lot of self-obversation, self-talk and hours of thinking.
I'm not sure where it comes from with me. I'm trying, with my T. to figure it all out. But you are not alone.
And you haven't done anything awful to anyone. We know you are struggling. Bravely, may I add.
But please, do try to gather together posts, or practice a visit to a new doc (great post, octopusprime!) while you'll feeling happier and better. Because I think you see yourself now it cycles, and when you get agitated, the negativity will not maybe allow you to do what's helpful for you. Try to push past that "oh, it's silly," feeling. I know it's hard.Like YOU said - you ARE going to make it. Give yourself a hug for me, okay? I think you're doing great because you are fighting for yourself.
Posted by Gabbi-x-2 on May 10, 2005, at 2:40:29
In reply to Re: I'm sorry ***TRIGGER?** » Gabbi-x-2, posted by Shy_Girl on May 10, 2005, at 1:11:34
> I feel really bad now about what I've done
> Gabbi-x-2. Please forgive me.Oh Oh, did I make you feel like you just got kicked in the stomach? I was trying to avoid that. There's no way you could have known.
It's not a big a deal! I used to be that way about criticism too, I felt just so ashamed. This wasn't criticism though, it was just information that's all. You are intelligent, and sensitive.
You know, I had a psychiatrist, an old German man who I saw once, only briefly and he said to me with a wry smile..
"You are an extremely intelligent, extremely sensitive woman..the world vill giff you nothing but trouble""
The memory makes me smile, but you know.. for some of us it's true. I have a real tough hide now though.. I don't know how it happened.
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 10, 2005, at 6:35:05
In reply to Re: a walk-in clinic in canada - shygirl » octopusprime, posted by Shy_Girl on May 10, 2005, at 0:03:26
> Hmmm...I feel really silly about it now, I'm in a pretty good mood now and can't imagine how I got to such a point. I'm not sure I really need to see a doctor anymore...I don't think there is anything seriously wrong with me. Hmmm...but I must have been in a very bad way...I sort of remember I was feeling really really bad.
>
> I don't know if I need to be on medication anymore...I feel pretty good right now. Hmmmm...but I think I will be in a bad way again. I will ask about that I guess, but it might to hard to convince the doc that I'm disordered if I'm the way I am now. :-)That's what the printouts of your posts was for. They are clear evidence of what your state of mind was, at those moments. You don't clearly remember the way you were because you yourself are not in that state of mind right now.
> I'm quite confused...is there something wrong with me or not?
Yes. And it's wrong with you now, too. It's just not the prominent aspect of your psyche, right now.
> I think maybe there is, since I look through my old posts and I absolutely cannot believe what I wrote!
My point, exactly.
> Hmmm...should I put off seeing the doc until I feel bad again?
Absolutely not. You won't go when you feel like that. The "you" part that is thinking rationally is not in control then.
> Or should I go as soon as I can?
Yes.
OP gave you an excellent scenario. Walk in, say, "I bought a rope to kill myself with, and I need a medical evaluation. Here are copies of newsgroup posts I made, during that darkest time." If the doctor questions that you currently need care, you say this isn't the first episode. This is the first time you're seeking care for it. You don't want to use the rope.
Lar
Posted by fallsfall on May 10, 2005, at 11:02:51
In reply to Re: a walk-in clinic in canada - shygirl » octopusprime, posted by Shy_Girl on May 10, 2005, at 0:03:26
Absolutely go now, while you are feeling well.
The goal is to establish a relationship with a doctor so that when you are not feeling well you have someplace familiar to go. The therapist can also help you to learn how to prevent the bad episodes, or at least recognize them when they start so they don't get so bad. They will not be surprised to hear you say "I can't believe I was feeling that way".
You took action towards a suicide plan. That is pretty serious. Fortunately, you didn't complete the plan - this time. Please get some help now while you are able to reach out so that you don't have to go through that kind of scare again (or at least you don't have to go through it alone again).
Posted by alesta on May 10, 2005, at 12:29:42
In reply to Re: Getting rid of our plans » alesta, posted by Shy_Girl on May 8, 2005, at 15:32:02
> > i don't know why your emotions get so out of control. perhaps when i'm more together we could delve into this..it could be a personality disorder such as borderline personality disorder or manic depression (although i don't think rapid cycling would be *that* rapid..would have to check on that.
>
> I'm pretty sure it is borderline personality disorder. I think you are right, rapid cycling does not cycle that fast. Sometimes the emotional triggers are apparent, sometimes they are not. Stress really makes things worst. I'm stressed out right now because I can't seem to do anything...I'm too afraid to get a job, I don't know if I've ruined my academic life, my room is a mess etc, etc.
>
> > would also help to know if circumstances/interactions with ppl trigger your emotional reactions or if it feels more like a biological thing that 'takes over').
>
> There are definately triggers. One really big one is rejection...real or imagined. The switch from one state to another is really quite dramatic...and that is the thing that worries me. I am sometimes out of control. Fortunately, I sometimes respond to reason.
hi jenny! yep, sounds like borderline, all right. the rejection sensitivity and rapidfire, circumstantial mood changes are what help to distinguish it from manic depression. have you discussed the probability of having this disorder with your doctor?? i'm not so sure borderlines are very responsive to meds, btw..> It's ok :-) I wish I could be more supportive for you as well...I thought I could for a while, but then, you know, things just got out of hand for me.
btw, you were plenty supportive, jen..and i so appreciate the effort you put into helping me.
> It feels really good to know that I made a difference somehow. :-)yes, you did..it's funny..we never know here what the exact impact is of any of our efforts..but i have an inkling sometimes it is very strong...:)
> I will get rid of the rope...it is too dangerous...even for "practice." Ok, yes Amy, I will get rid of it if you get rid of your plan as well.
fantastic. i'm proud of you/us! if you ever want to talk, i am here.
> Thanks (((Amy)))sho thing!
((((jenny))))))
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 10, 2005, at 15:12:45
In reply to Re: a walk-in clinic in canada - shygirl » Shy_Girl, posted by Larry Hoover on May 10, 2005, at 6:35:05
I don't know about the clinic thing anymore...the thing is, I had a pdoc. She's on maternity leave right now. She knew about my instability and suicidal ideations. I've told her that I was worried about accidentally killing myself because sometimes I feel out of control. She said that she doesn't think I will kill myself because I have some protective factors...like not having a substance abuse problem. She told me that she's never had a patient kill him/herself. I've asked about other meds too, she doesn't think they are right for me.
I just don't know what to think...maybe I should trust her that I won't kill myself...she has more experience than I do in prediction. Maybe I should just trust her that I don't need any other meds as well...after all, she's the expert, not me.
Maybe I need to get a second opinion, I'm not sure.
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 10, 2005, at 15:14:47
In reply to Re: I'm sorry ***TRIGGER?** » Shy_Girl, posted by 10derHeart on May 10, 2005, at 1:46:54
I feel much better. I just needed a different perspective. Now, I just gotta learn to do that myself. :)
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 10, 2005, at 15:28:21
In reply to Re: a walk-in clinic in canada - ***trigger***, posted by Shy_Girl on May 10, 2005, at 15:12:45
> I don't know about the clinic thing anymore...the thing is, I had a pdoc. She's on maternity leave right now. She knew about my instability and suicidal ideations.
You've upped it considerably, from suicidal ideation.
> I've told her that I was worried about accidentally killing myself because sometimes I feel out of control. She said that she doesn't think I will kill myself because I have some protective factors...like not having a substance abuse problem. She told me that she's never had a patient kill him/herself.
What other patients have or have not done is not relevant.
> I've asked about other meds too, she doesn't think they are right for me.
Let me ask you this. Are you comfortable with having these sorts of episodes, where you buy a rope and handle it? Where you speak as if your future is irrelevant? That isn't a moment like standing at Baskin-Robbins and not knowing which flavour to select.
> I just don't know what to think...maybe I should trust her that I won't kill myself...she has more experience than I do in prediction.
You have more experience in your own mind and body. Your language is revealing. You must trust *yourself* that you will not kill yourself, not her.
> Maybe I should just trust her that I don't need any other meds as well...after all, she's the expert, not me.
She's on maternity leave, and doesn't know about this recent stuff.
> Maybe I need to get a second opinion, I'm not sure.
What could it hurt, to get another objective opinion?
Really, your doctor on maternity leave is not available for your current care requirements. You need to get someone who is available, and understands your current situation.
Lar
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 10, 2005, at 21:03:11
In reply to Re: a walk-in clinic in canada - ***trigger*** » Shy_Girl, posted by Larry Hoover on May 10, 2005, at 15:28:21
> You've upped it considerably, from suicidal ideation.
Yes, I think you are right. It was strange though, it was so easy to buy the rope...just like how it was so easy to take more and more aspirin. Fortunately, I really did return the rope today...it was a little more difficult than I thought. I found myself spending some more time with the rope...stroking it, trying it out a bit. It's twisted, but I kind of miss it.
> What other patients have or have not done is not relevant.
I don't really know how much experience my pdoc has...I never feel like I'm getting anywhere when I see her. I think she only takes on "easy" cases.
> Let me ask you this. Are you comfortable with having these sorts of episodes, where you buy a rope and handle it?Nope, definately not...that's how I feel now about it. It seems weird, I don't know if it is a coincidence or something, but I almost feel like I'm getting worst instead of better. When I took my OD (I wasn't on any meds then), I had no intention of dying...there was no desire. But after everything, I did have the desire...not sure if it was the stress of everything or not. My pdoc said it wasn't the SSRI that did it.
>Where you speak as if your future is irrelevant? That isn't a moment like standing at Baskin-Robbins and not knowing which flavour to select.
I know my future is important...it's just so hard to take charge of things...I'm quite the wimp IRL. There is a lot of ambivalence still...I'm not sure what to make of it, maybe I'm a little down.
> You have more experience in your own mind and body. Your language is revealing. You must trust *yourself* that you will not kill yourself, not her.
I sincerely don't know if I can trust myself...I just cannot predict things. I'm almost 100% sure that I will get in a bad way again, but thankfully the chances of a "success" are low because the "act" is a very rare occurence. Odds are that I will be injured.
> Really, your doctor on maternity leave is not available for your current care requirements. You need to get someone who is available, and understands your current situation.
Thanks so much for the input Larry...you have a lot more insight into this than I do it seems. I will try very hard to get up the courage to go get another doctor...it's hard though.
I'm proud of myself today...I actually went outside (since I had to return the rope). I missed my bus, so I decided to walk instead...it was nice. I decided to use the money I got back to buy myself a treat...a tall Iced Caramel Macchiato. It took some courage though because there was only one other customer there and I stood out. Small steps... :-)
Posted by Gabbi-x-2 on May 11, 2005, at 1:07:12
In reply to Re: Thanks Gabbi-x-2 and 10derHeart :-), posted by Shy_Girl on May 10, 2005, at 15:14:47
> I feel much better. I just needed a different perspective. Now, I just gotta learn to do that myself. :)
Oh I'm glad! It's hard to let someone know something like that without sounding admonishing, perhaps I should have let someone who knew you better tell you. I don't really know how I got over having my feelings hurt.. all the time, or always feeling sick if I thought I did something wrong, I still have areas where I'm like that, like in a work situation, but it's not nearly like it was. I didn't work on it, it just kind of happened.
Oh, And I'm glad you're taking the rope back. :)
Posted by alesta on May 11, 2005, at 2:49:44
In reply to Block me you m***er f***er, posted by Shy_Girl on May 6, 2005, at 11:32:03
hi again jenny,:)
just wanted to add a little personal info on this topic..thought it might help..i had borderline personality disorder in my teens and early - mid twenties..i did the cutting and everything, burned myself with cigarettes..punched my fist through a glass window..you get the picture..i had constant rages over little things..my poor boyfriend at the time..one minute i'd be laughing and the next i'd be crying hysterically and furious with him..he was good to me, too. figures..anyway, what i'm driving at is that the disorder, for me, fell by the wayside over time..i no longer cut..haven't in about 8 years..but i was constantly *working on myself*..i made it my priority..no therapists, just me figuring me out..(i'm not saying that you shouldn't seek therapy by any means...i think it's something you need to work through...i don't think you should always just jump at a med for every problem..you need to change your cognitions, your way of being in the world..just my opinion..others are free to disagree. but, actually, if taking a med does actually help you, by all means, take it. i can't say whether it will help or not..talk to your doctor and, better yet, do your own research..
the reason i had the disorder, i believe, is b/c my mother would not let me have an identity of my own..thereby creating the emptiness i felt. i had to live through her and for her and wasn't able to think about myself at all. a very odd state to live in as a child for so many years. hence, the disorder. this is why you must unlearn your old way of existing and forge your own identity..but, again, a med may or may not help...time will also help. let's not forget time.:)
(btw, to anyone reading wondering if i still have this disorder because of my current suicidality, you would be incorrect. my suicidality at this time is due to severe depression, a normal reaction to the unrelenting series of crises and traumas i have faced as of late. i may have some PTSD as well..)
hope it might help that i shared that..:)
take care jenny.
amy
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 11, 2005, at 14:08:05
In reply to all right, i'm gonna share..:) » Shy_Girl, posted by alesta on May 11, 2005, at 2:49:44
Hi Amy
>..anyway, what i'm driving at is that the disorder, for me, fell by the wayside over time..i no longer cut..haven't in about 8 years..
Congratulations! Thanks so much for sharing this...it gives me much hope to know it can be overcome. :o)
I've stopped the cutting (actually more like scratching with a xxx) part of my SI. I never liked to draw xxx. Seeing xxx as a result of a cut now actually makes me faint! My mom faints too...think it's genetic. Once in a while I still get the urge to harm...but I think I'm less impulsive about it now. I also have a bit of trichotillomania...I like to pluck out hairs everywhere except my head...sometimes it leads to scars when I dig to get the hair out.
>but i was constantly *working on myself*..i made it my priority..no therapists, just me figuring me out..(i'm not saying that you shouldn't seek therapy by any means...i think it's something you need to work through...
Yes, I do admit that a lot of my problems are psychological...I do need to find *myself*. I find that a lot of the time I take on the personality/view/etc. of the people I'm with. There are some very insightful articles I found at:
http://www.borderlinepersonality.ca/1999masterbpdarticleindex.htm
>i don't think you should always just jump at a med for every problem..you need to change your cognitions, your way of being in the world..just my opinion..others are free to disagree.
You make some very good points about this...you are living proof that one can get over BPD without meds or therapy. I know that my feelings are very situation dependent. Changing the way I think is probably the most effective "treatment" for me. Meds may or may not work, if they help, it would be nice...esp. to prevent great self harm...but I know that ultimately it is up to me to change.
> the reason i had the disorder, i believe, is b/c my mother would not let me have an identity of my own..thereby creating the emptiness i felt.
I personally believe that parenting has a lot to do with this disorder. I'm not saying we had bad parents...just our parents had good intentions and just didn't know how to do any better.
I think I'm the way I am because I never had a truly safe secure attachment to my mom. I was always afraid that she would abandon me. I needed a lot more comfort and security than she provided. There was never any abuse...more often it was neglecting my feelings or sending mixed messages. For example...in my culture, people sometimes make very special soups from strange things such as deer antlers that are supposed to be very good for us. Once when I was little I refused to drink the soup. My mom got SO angry! She locked me outside the house...I was only about 5 or so I think. I was screaming, crying and begging to be let back in. The truth was that my mom wanted me to drink the soup because she loved me but the way I saw it, she was punishing me and didn't love me. I wished for kidnappers to come and take me away. I remember self-harming as a child...nothing serious though.
> ... a med may or may not help...time will also help. let's not forget time.:)
Yes, time...it gives me great hope to know that many people with BPD get much better in their 30s and 40s. I just have to survive until then :o)
> ... my suicidality at this time is due to severe depression, a normal reaction to the unrelenting series of crises and traumas i have faced as of late. i may have some PTSD as well..)You're a very strong person to have gotten past BPD. Life has been very hard for you, but I have a feeling you're going to make it. You're an incredible person you know...you deserve the very best in life. You gotta give yourself a big hug :o)
> hope it might help that i shared that..:)
Yes, that helped a lot Amy. Thanks so much for sharing your story.
You take care of yourself as well
jenny
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 11, 2005, at 14:50:22
In reply to Re: all right, i'm gonna share..:) » alesta, posted by Shy_Girl on May 11, 2005, at 14:08:05
Posted by alesta on May 11, 2005, at 15:06:33
In reply to Re: all right, i'm gonna share..:) » alesta, posted by Shy_Girl on May 11, 2005, at 14:08:05
hi jenny,:-)
i'm glad to have been able to share that with you. i do have a serious side sometimes.:) anyway, i have confidence that you'll beat this. having been where you are, maybe that's why i felt a protectiveness toward you instinctively when you came to this site. you are such a sweet and intelligent person. glad i could possibly be of assistance jenny. and, absolutely, you *will* get better..promise.:)
that's very good, what you said, about it being psychological, and about it resulting from poor parenting.
<The truth was that my mom wanted me to drink the soup because she loved me but the way I saw it, she was punishing me and didn't love me. I wished for kidnappers to come and take me away.
well, iiiii don't consider her locking you out of the house to be loving you. and i can imagine that being locked out like that would be very traumatic and invalidating to a child. her locking you out of the house was abuse, sweetie. it's ok to realize that. i'm not saying your mom is a bad person. but her behavior was probably not always that great..
<I remember self-harming as a child...nothing serious though.
right. i wasn't sure if you had even self-harmed before..i think the percentage of BPDers who self-harm may actually be small..i'd have to look it up. btw, you don't have to self-harm to have BPD.
anyway, hope you have a great day.:) and thanks for your response.
take care, kid:)
amy
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.