Posted by alexandra_k on May 9, 2005, at 1:31:53
In reply to Re: Thanks Alex :-) » alexandra_k, posted by Shy_Girl on May 8, 2005, at 20:10:16
> When I was little, I used to get these "spells" where I wasn't sure if the world and I were real or not...if the universe existed (weird, but this is what I thought about as a child). I would really freak out, panic...the world became dreamlike...the physical world separated from myself. I was outside the universe. I would think (even as a child), I don't exist, I've never been born...but then, what is this I see? How can the world exist when I don't exist? The universe is ceasing to exist...and so on and so forth. It's kind of wierd, but I thought of these things as a kid...the nature of existing and existence...it got pretty metaphysical at times and really freaked me out.
I got that too!
I think that is why I got into philosophy.
Did a little bit of Descartes in my first year
(How do you know you aren't dreaming right now? In fact how do you know that you havent been dreaming all your life and you have never come into contact with reality?)
I was hooked from there :-)It used to get really bad for me on overcast days. Just before a storm. Maybe it had to do with the electricity in the air or something..
> I'm not a very socially adept person. Relating to people in a meaningful way will take some time and getting used to. There is much to learn.I feel the same. In fact, I'm sure most of us do. I think that when it comes to people skills and relationships life is just one whole learning curve for everybody.
> When I was in the hospital for my ASA overdose, I didn't want to die, but there was a point where I thought I really was going to die. I was nauseous, my ears were ringing, I could barely hear and my mind was confused. I got really scared...I didn't want to die. I just lay there, wishing with all my might that it was all just a bad dream...I didn't know how I was going to deal with things if I messed up my kidneys or liver or something.
Yeah.
Are you able to remember that really vividly?
Maybe write it out a couple of times so it is really vivid to you.
Then when you do have times
(as I'll admit I still do sometimes)
When you think suicide really is an option - then think of that.I had a similar thing.
Being told I'd never walk without crutches.
I realised that I wanted to live
And I wanted to be able to walk without them.
And now I can.
And I don't have very many urges to hurt myself.
I haven't hurt myself since then.
But I think it is reflecting on that when I am going through a rough patch that keeps me going.
Well... That, and the knowledge that there are at least some people in the world who would prefer it if I was alive.
Babble.
The people here.
Don't know if it will work for you,
But I hope it does :-)
> My hamster is a Syrian hamster, teddybear (long haired). He is very territorial and would probably kill a cagemate :-)Ah. Best kept by his self then ;-)
> She's been depressed in the past and thought of killing herself. It's just so unfair though, how she never enjoys herself...she sacrifices everythig for me and my sister.Can you talk to her a bit? It sounds like she might be helpful to talk to? If she has been there too then she might be able to understand where you are coming from rather than judging you or thinking that it is all her fault. How about your sister. I was thinking yesterday that it really is a very big thing for you to be keeping the fact that you pulled out of school from everyone. You will get back to it. Really. I believe in you :-) But it is also true that you are having a break at the mo. Is it very hard to tell them? What are you going to do when they ask you about your grades etc?
> It takes a lot of strength to beat the odds. I hope I can more like you :-)
Better.
:-)
I hope you do even better than me.
And I hope I learn to do better too...
But if I could have seen where I'd be now 5 years ago...
That would have helped me through.
Really.
But I couldn't see into the future
And I never would have dreamed it was possible.
Not that things are perfect.
Not by a long shot.
But they are so very much better than they were.
Those big black holes are further apart (much so)
And don't last so long when they are there.
And I don't think they are quite as deep.
> Just hope I don't accidentally kill myself in one of my "tantrums." I'm pretty rational most of the time...it is just the "tantrums" that worry me. I just don't know how to control myself then. Some of them are exactly like tantrums of a 2 year old, believe it or not...kicking, screaming, crying...going crazy basically.Yeah. I think I get that too.
Not for a while.
I was pretty emotion phobic.
But inside it was like living on a horrible emotional roller coaster.
Up and down
And the odd everything being turned upside down.
It was awful.
Thats where the meds can help a little.Have you heard of 'mindfulness meditation'.
That can help.
I found it helped me learn to control my rages.
Well...
It helped me feel them
Instead of pushing them away in my fear of them (and getting really depressed as a result)
And it helped by letting me experience them in a controlled manner
So I could learn that they do pass
And how to help them come to pass
And cope with them while they were present.(((Shygirl)))
Hang in there.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:494526
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050503/msgs/495422.html