Posted by Shy_Girl on May 8, 2005, at 20:10:16
In reply to Re: Sorry everyone » Shy_Girl, posted by alexandra_k on May 8, 2005, at 6:12:29
> The world feels especially unreal to me when I am stressed out or really tired or sick. But it does feel like that sometimes. It is called derealisation. The other one is depersonalisation. Thats when you don't feel that you are real.
When I was little, I used to get these "spells" where I wasn't sure if the world and I were real or not...if the universe existed (weird, but this is what I thought about as a child). I would really freak out, panic...the world became dreamlike...the physical world separated from myself. I was outside the universe. I would think (even as a child), I don't exist, I've never been born...but then, what is this I see? How can the world exist when I don't exist? The universe is ceasing to exist...and so on and so forth. It's kind of wierd, but I thought of these things as a kid...the nature of existing and existence...it got pretty metaphysical at times and really freaked me out.
> It is a feeling that comes and goes.
It is terrifying to me at times.
> But please don't feel that you haven't been accepted here.I'm not a very socially adept person. Relating to people in a meaningful way will take some time and getting used to. There is much to learn.
> And now I am disfigured by failed attempts.
> Believe me, that was not worth it.
> If I could take that back - I would.Sorry about the reminders of past pains...it must be tough to bare those scars.
When I was in the hospital for my ASA overdose, I didn't want to die, but there was a point where I thought I really was going to die. I was nauseous, my ears were ringing, I could barely hear and my mind was confused. I got really scared...I didn't want to die. I just lay there, wishing with all my might that it was all just a bad dream...I didn't know how I was going to deal with things if I messed up my kidneys or liver or something.
> Would your hamster like a friend?My hamster is a Syrian hamster, teddybear (long haired). He is very territorial and would probably kill a cagemate :-)
> You say your mum works real hard to give you and your sister a decent life.
> That makes me think that one of the biggest insults you could do her would be to kill yourself.I think you are right. I don't think my mom will survive if I killed myself. She's been depressed in the past and thought of killing herself. If I kill myself, she might not be able to take it. It's just so unfair though, how she never enjoys herself...she sacrifices everythig for me and my sister.
> I let them dictate my future for too long
> They made me feel hopeless.It takes a lot of strength to beat the odds. I hope I can more like you :-)
> Yeah. I get that one. Really. I never wanted to die. Just wanted the pain to stop. Thought death meant that I would never ever have to feel pain again. But, you know, it also means that you will never ever have the chance to feel happiness either.
Ya, there is sooo much I haven't experienced...I may as well be a 5 year old really. I think I will stick around just to experience things...good and bad.
Just hope I don't accidentally kill myself in one of my "tantrums." I'm pretty rational most of the time...it is just the "tantrums" that worry me. I just don't know how to control myself then. Some of them are exactly like tantrums of a 2 year old, believe it or not...kicking, screaming, crying...going crazy basically.
Thanks for your thoughtful response(((Alex)))
Shy Girl
poster:Shy_Girl
thread:494526
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050503/msgs/495346.html