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Re: a walk-in clinic...***IDEATION TRIGGER*** » Larry Hoover

Posted by Shy_Girl on May 10, 2005, at 21:03:11

In reply to Re: a walk-in clinic in canada - ***trigger*** » Shy_Girl, posted by Larry Hoover on May 10, 2005, at 15:28:21

> You've upped it considerably, from suicidal ideation.

Yes, I think you are right. It was strange though, it was so easy to buy the rope...just like how it was so easy to take more and more aspirin. Fortunately, I really did return the rope today...it was a little more difficult than I thought. I found myself spending some more time with the rope...stroking it, trying it out a bit. It's twisted, but I kind of miss it.

> What other patients have or have not done is not relevant.

I don't really know how much experience my pdoc has...I never feel like I'm getting anywhere when I see her. I think she only takes on "easy" cases.

> Let me ask you this. Are you comfortable with having these sorts of episodes, where you buy a rope and handle it?

Nope, definately not...that's how I feel now about it. It seems weird, I don't know if it is a coincidence or something, but I almost feel like I'm getting worst instead of better. When I took my OD (I wasn't on any meds then), I had no intention of dying...there was no desire. But after everything, I did have the desire...not sure if it was the stress of everything or not. My pdoc said it wasn't the SSRI that did it.

>Where you speak as if your future is irrelevant? That isn't a moment like standing at Baskin-Robbins and not knowing which flavour to select.

I know my future is important...it's just so hard to take charge of things...I'm quite the wimp IRL. There is a lot of ambivalence still...I'm not sure what to make of it, maybe I'm a little down.

> You have more experience in your own mind and body. Your language is revealing. You must trust *yourself* that you will not kill yourself, not her.

I sincerely don't know if I can trust myself...I just cannot predict things. I'm almost 100% sure that I will get in a bad way again, but thankfully the chances of a "success" are low because the "act" is a very rare occurence. Odds are that I will be injured.

> Really, your doctor on maternity leave is not available for your current care requirements. You need to get someone who is available, and understands your current situation.

Thanks so much for the input Larry...you have a lot more insight into this than I do it seems. I will try very hard to get up the courage to go get another doctor...it's hard though.

I'm proud of myself today...I actually went outside (since I had to return the rope). I missed my bus, so I decided to walk instead...it was nice. I decided to use the money I got back to buy myself a treat...a tall Iced Caramel Macchiato. It took some courage though because there was only one other customer there and I stood out. Small steps... :-)


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poster:Shy_Girl thread:494526
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