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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 6 to 30 of 30. Go back in thread:
Posted by jay on August 30, 2002, at 3:36:12
In reply to how often do you shower? ;] (nm), posted by Medusa on August 30, 2002, at 3:24:06
Well, I am a smart and told, not bad looking guy, who carries himself well..very polite..damn I AM a pretty good guy at 32...that is why I went into social work. I like to help people, society, the world. I am somewhat youthful looking..but I could never go out to a bar a pick up women, as it's not just in my personality. I'm average tall 5'11"..a big build (not fat..but need to trim up..at 195.)..I wear nice clothes and nice expensive colgne (yes..I like to *smell* nice...women seem to respond to that:) ...accckk..what is wrong with me??..hehhe..maybe you gals can help me out.
Oyyy..jay
Posted by jay on August 30, 2002, at 3:37:29
In reply to how often do you shower? ;] (nm), posted by Medusa on August 30, 2002, at 3:24:06
Posted by ~~tabitha~~ on August 30, 2002, at 4:19:08
In reply to Heyyyyy...... » Medusa, posted by jay on August 30, 2002, at 3:36:12
I can't believe you think the dating scene is dead at 32. Here I am at 39 and it looks like all the dating is happening to the 20's and young 30's crowd.
I can't say what you might do to attract more women. For me I do worst when I'm feeling needy. People can sense it and it frightens them off. You need to project an air of being content with yourself, yet open to others. I haven't quite mastered it myself but I think I'm improving.
I think dressing well is a plus for men, so good for you. I always look for a little style in a guy. I hope the cologne isn't too overpowering though.
Posted by jay on August 30, 2002, at 4:44:09
In reply to Re: Gosh, Jay, posted by ~~tabitha~~ on August 30, 2002, at 4:19:08
> I can't believe you think the dating scene is dead at 32. Here I am at 39 and it looks like all the dating is happening to the 20's and young 30's crowd.
>
> I can't say what you might do to attract more women. For me I do worst when I'm feeling needy. People can sense it and it frightens them off. You need to project an air of being content with yourself, yet open to others. I haven't quite mastered it myself but I think I'm improving.
>
> I think dressing well is a plus for men, so good for you. I always look for a little style in a guy. I hope the cologne isn't too overpowering though.Well..I think in our '30's'..with so many families..and friends with families, it gets depressing. (What else is new.) Thanks for your compliment...and no I just wear a 'dab' of Eternity..my fav.
I think I do project that air of confidence a bit..maybe not on here as much. But I am the "quiet and confident" type at times too. Also..I don't 'chase' women..maybe a flaw..I don't know. But, if I drop a solid hint, and she rejects, it's like "ohh well...too bad...(and I have to say..*their* loss..lol!)
Why can't deep male sensitivity, a nurturing personality, all of those things be a plus for guys? No I don't watch football, no I don't like 'cars' and drink beer with 'the boys'..yadda yadda...and it p*sses me off when a women get's so googly eyed over a "macho" guy.
I dunno...ooohhh...I just dunno...please..answers..ha!
Thanx,
Jay
Posted by ~~tabitha~~ on August 30, 2002, at 5:10:15
In reply to Re: Gosh, Jay » ~~tabitha~~, posted by jay on August 30, 2002, at 4:44:09
>
> Why can't deep male sensitivity, a nurturing personality, all of those things be a plus for guys? No I don't watch football, no I don't like 'cars' and drink beer with 'the boys'..yadda yadda...and it p*sses me off when a women get's so googly eyed over a "macho" guy.Um, Jay, nurturing and sensitivity are BIG pluses. Some women will like the macho guys, sure, but some won't. There's a woman out there for you.
I need to get my personal ad online. I'm scared to even get started. At least you're trying, even though not much luck yet. I need new clothes, a picture, an ad, courage, energy, etc. Have not dated at all for about 2 yrs but it's time.
Posted by Dinah on August 30, 2002, at 9:11:46
In reply to Re: Gosh, Jay » jay, posted by ~~tabitha~~ on August 30, 2002, at 5:10:15
If you don't mind, Jay.
I think there are lots of women out there who would appreciate a man who is sensitive and kind and is ready to settle down.
But all women want to be appreciated for who they are. It's a powerful aphrodesiac. So if you in any way appear that you're looking for "a woman", they might not be all that flattered.
But if you just place yourself in positions to naturally meet women, get to know some, and then ask one out because you are so genuinely impressed with her, you'll probably impress the woman a lot more.
Of course, that sage advice didn't apply to my husband and me. I hunted him down with the determination of a wolf who had picked her deer. He was the man for me. Okay, I'm exaggerating here. We were in high school, and I certainly didn't stalk him or anything. Just let him know that I really liked him for his many stellar qualities and that I wanted to be with him. But it worked in that direction. He was flattered that I wanted him for who he was.
Of course, I have limited dating experience, as you can tell. And my advice might be worth absolutely nothing in the real world. :)
Posted by ctrlaltndel on August 30, 2002, at 9:14:38
In reply to Where are all the SINGLE women on here?, posted by jay on August 30, 2002, at 0:44:37
Me-
Single~attractive~~no kids~~sex kitten but hey ,
I don't want desperate guy : )
Anyway , I also like being single , sorry sweet...
Posted by ctrlaltndel on August 30, 2002, at 9:22:51
In reply to Re: Where are all the SINGLE women on here?, posted by ctrlaltndel on August 30, 2002, at 9:14:38
Dating that is...
Women can just get it if they really want it-I mean sex..
Desperation is a big turn off for women.
Go out and playfully flirt for a while without being too heavy , play some teasing games have fun (whatever that is)..then you'll seek your desire.
Libraries are a good place..
MeOw
Posted by ctrlaltndel on August 30, 2002, at 9:27:40
In reply to Re: Gosh, Jay » jay, posted by ~~tabitha~~ on August 30, 2002, at 5:10:15
If only I was male..sorry Jay but I've got a soft spot for Tabby~babe
Posted by Medusa on August 30, 2002, at 9:57:08
In reply to Re: Oh Tabbitha Oh Tabbitha, posted by ctrlaltndel on August 30, 2002, at 9:27:40
Dinah's right - women will sense that you "want a woman" and that's a huge turn-off. We feel like meat often enough - we don't need to feel like that with a sig. other.
Now, how to get not-desperate? That's something to think about. Maybe Tabitha knows.
Posted by IsoM on August 30, 2002, at 13:34:21
In reply to Re: Gosh, Jay » ~~tabitha~~, posted by jay on August 30, 2002, at 4:44:09
Just my view, if you're interested, Jay.
I think you nned to be satisfied with your own company, completely content & complete by yourself first & then you'll appear more attractive to someone. I don't mean you have to be happy all the time - but you need to think of yourself as your best friend.
Do you want to find someone special, not just any woman that's out there? If you want someone suited to you, you need to go to places where you'll find such a person. For example, you say you don't like sports & cars lots - good. Then you wouldn't expect to find someone suited to you at a car show. What do you like? What sort of things do you enjoy? Go to those places to find someone similar.
But unless you're truly content with yourself, you will project a subtle air of discontent & incompleteness that a woman with intuition will sense & it'll make her avoid you.
Posted by jay on August 30, 2002, at 13:35:35
In reply to Re: Gosh, Jay » jay, posted by ~~tabitha~~ on August 30, 2002, at 5:10:15
> >
> > Why can't deep male sensitivity, a nurturing personality, all of those things be a plus for guys? No I don't watch football, no I don't like 'cars' and drink beer with 'the boys'..yadda yadda...and it p*sses me off when a women get's so googly eyed over a "macho" guy.
>
> Um, Jay, nurturing and sensitivity are BIG pluses. Some women will like the macho guys, sure, but some won't. There's a woman out there for you.
>
> I need to get my personal ad online. I'm scared to even get started. At least you're trying, even though not much luck yet. I need new clothes, a picture, an ad, courage, energy, etc. Have not dated at all for about 2 yrs but it's time.You know the weird thing Tabitha, is I have had my ad online for a few months now. So, here is my ad, in which it asks you to "describe" yourself:
-----How would you describe yourself?
I am 32, college educated, no children, don't smoke. I have super-short light brown hair, brown eyes, olive-tan complexion, and am in fairly good shape at 195 lbs. I have no facial hair. I am a caring, compassionate, positive guy. I also love all types of music, from fine jazz to alt-rock, and I live life as fully as possible. I am open, and non-judgemental, and not superficial. I like philosophy, good wine, evenings spent talking by the fireplace in a cabin in the middle of winter. I love to go for walks in autumn woods and under winter skies. I present myself well. I am slightly shy, but also can be funny and humourous. Humour get's me through life. :-)
---I've gotten three replies, mostly from people either just looking for sex (I don't mind sex..lol..but geezz it can't be the ONLY thing!!), and from people who have *nothing* to say about themselves. (No matter how many times you email them.)
Maybe you or somebody can give me tips here...as I just feel so lost in all of this. Oyyyyyy...I need a couple of Tylenol..hehe..
Thanx,
Jay
Posted by jay on August 30, 2002, at 13:50:30
In reply to Re: A little hint for Jay..., posted by Dinah on August 30, 2002, at 9:11:46
> If you don't mind, Jay.
>
> I think there are lots of women out there who would appreciate a man who is sensitive and kind and is ready to settle down.
>
> But all women want to be appreciated for who they are. It's a powerful aphrodesiac. So if you in any way appear that you're looking for "a woman", they might not be all that flattered.
>
> But if you just place yourself in positions to naturally meet women, get to know some, and then ask one out because you are so genuinely impressed with her, you'll probably impress the woman a lot more.
>
> Of course, that sage advice didn't apply to my husband and me. I hunted him down with the determination of a wolf who had picked her deer. He was the man for me. Okay, I'm exaggerating here. We were in high school, and I certainly didn't stalk him or anything. Just let him know that I really liked him for his many stellar qualities and that I wanted to be with him. But it worked in that direction. He was flattered that I wanted him for who he was.
>
> Of course, I have limited dating experience, as you can tell. And my advice might be worth absolutely nothing in the real world. :)Well...I know what you are saying Dinah. The whole "I am interested but I am going to pretend I am not interested" thing...and to a small point, I use this. But, it seems too much of a game, something that some people do for their own egos sake. You know...I'll be forward here...I've had a fair (well no...it *wasn't* fair!!!..but..) amount of loss in my life, the death of a child and a girlfriend (Oh geezz..I did it now!!...I *have* opened up the baggage department!). So, time is very, very precious to me.
And..I don't mean I am looking for some "instant" relationship, but it seems people talk about them and treat them with such a care-a-less attitude.
It's not like going grocery shopping.."well..I think I'll get one of these today..". It just seems many treat it like that, and maybe that's why there are so many screwed up relationships.OK..I've ranted enough. I know your intentions are good, but I've never been one to play by the rules. Maybe I examine things too deeply...but...that's just me.
Thanx,
Jay
Posted by jay on August 30, 2002, at 14:11:06
In reply to Re: i think it's harder for men/jay, posted by ctrlaltndel on August 30, 2002, at 9:22:51
> Dating that is...
> Women can just get it if they really want it-I mean sex..
> Desperation is a big turn off for women.
> Go out and playfully flirt for a while without being too heavy , play some teasing games have fun (whatever that is)..then you'll seek your desire.
> Libraries are a good place..
> MeOwWell...thanks for your empathy...but see my above post to Dinah. (It explains why I am so f**ed up..hehe) I dunno..I am not the 'flirt' type of guy. I like to go on a date...have all the fun in the world (and I don't mean sexually...that comes later..usually..heh.)
I have always gone out of my way to make a date *original*..like go for a hike in a forest in a provincial park, then go shopping, then go up in the CN Tower..then go out for funky drinks.
Maybe that is why I am having such a hard time. Many women have told me they don't like to be treated 'so good' (and no...by gawd I am not some 'prince charming'...I just like to treat a lady "well"...I am almost sick of women who say they don't like that...and end up with abusive slob husbands and all that...ughhh.)
So...that 'tis me..gawd I don't know. Thanks for you kindness though. I understand you being single and 'not' looking...I was in the same boat for about 4-5 years, going through 'grief' I guess...then with depression sucking me so low.
On the 'Healing Road'...I guess I have entered back into 'the land of the living'.Thanx for listening,
Jay
Posted by jay on August 30, 2002, at 14:21:07
In reply to Dinah on Desperation, posted by Medusa on August 30, 2002, at 9:57:08
> Dinah's right - women will sense that you "want a woman" and that's a huge turn-off. We feel like meat often enough - we don't need to feel like that with a sig. other.
>
> Now, how to get not-desperate? That's something to think about. Maybe Tabitha knows.Well, all's I can say is, see my post to Dinah above on the subject. I understand the "Not showing you are desperate" game in my 32 years of experience..heh. But I think a fair too many play this like it is game, and after what I have been through and my "Air of Tragedy", I have a right to my characteristics too. Not desperate, but not looking for games. I guess that's about it.
Thanx,
Jay
Posted by ~~tabitha~~ on August 30, 2002, at 14:38:56
In reply to Re: Oh Tabbitha Oh Tabbitha, posted by ctrlaltndel on August 30, 2002, at 9:27:40
>
> If only I was male..sorry Jay but I've got a soft spot for Tabby~babe
>Male? Ah, who needs it. For you, sweety, I'd experiment. MeOw.
Posted by jay on August 30, 2002, at 14:39:21
In reply to Finding Someone... » jay, posted by IsoM on August 30, 2002, at 13:34:21
> Just my view, if you're interested, Jay.
>
> I think you nned to be satisfied with your own company, completely content & complete by yourself first & then you'll appear more attractive to someone. I don't mean you have to be happy all the time - but you need to think of yourself as your best friend.
>
> Do you want to find someone special, not just any woman that's out there? If you want someone suited to you, you need to go to places where you'll find such a person. For example, you say you don't like sports & cars lots - good. Then you wouldn't expect to find someone suited to you at a car show. What do you like? What sort of things do you enjoy? Go to those places to find someone similar.
>
> But unless you're truly content with yourself, you will project a subtle air of discontent & incompleteness that a woman with intuition will sense & it'll make her avoid you.
>
>Yes, I know what you are saying.(Did it..bought the t-shirt..etc. :-) Sorry..I know you are just trying to help. I've been down this road many times..I am 32. I've lost (in the "truest" sense), and I don't want to make that as an excuse...but it will always be a part of me. (See my above post to Dinah.) Maybe that is where my neurosis comes in. My therapist once told me I likely feel like I am a failure because I was unable to "protect my loved ones." (As a father/parent feel they should.)
So, I am somewhat satisfied with myself as a person. (No one is ever *perfectly* so of course.) I spent many YEARS by myself...only wanting myself as company. Hell, it seems like eternity. Now, as I re-build my life, my time has come that I am getting back that yearning for 'another'...a counterpart....soulmate..etc.
Beyond that...I really don't know what else to say.
Thanx,
Jay
Posted by ctrlaltndel on August 30, 2002, at 14:40:23
In reply to Re: i think it's harder for men/jay » ctrlaltndel, posted by jay on August 30, 2002, at 14:11:06
just be yourself jay..you sound a fun guy...you live too far away in Canada for me anyway : )
ive always been in relationships for security reasons..until my meds made me stronger...i like being alone but If I'm not looking I may get suprised one day and drift into the big love..nothings perfect I know but ....
Posted by ctrlaltndel on August 30, 2002, at 14:44:36
In reply to Re: Oh Tabbitha Oh Tabbitha » ctrlaltndel, posted by ~~tabitha~~ on August 30, 2002, at 14:38:56
MEOW! Shame i can't flirt flirt flirt now , tonight I'm being cut off the net until sept..
I still have loads of packing to do..I just want to sleep.
Posted by Dinah on August 30, 2002, at 15:50:03
In reply to Re: A little hint for Jay..., posted by jay on August 30, 2002, at 13:50:30
LOL
I wasn't advising that you play games or pretend you're not interested. What a bore that would be.
What I'm saying is that relationships are like friendships. Serious ones anyway. I have no advice for you on how to pick up girls.
But if you're looking for a life partner, it's like finding a friend. First you find people that have qualities you like, then you get to know them a bit better, then eventually you start thinking about permanent questions like. Is this person one who I really admire and want to be with? Is this person one I want to raise my kids. Are this person's flaws ones I want to go home with every night. After all, you can leave friends. Significant others you're stuck with.
So you can't just go around looking for a woman, as if we're all interchangeable. Look for people you like, spend time with people you like, and you will find someone right for you.
And coming on too strong too quickly might flatter some women, but it will scare most of them, because the smart ones will know that you can't want THEM that quickly because you don't know them yet.
You know, I practice my social skills here on the board. There's no reason you can't practice your attraction skills here. The sort of flirting Roo was talking about in the above thread isn't game playing. It's looking at who people are and really, genuinely appreciating something about them. You can practice it with the ladies here (even the married ones) and the men too. :)
And you might want to bring it to therapy too, Jay. It seems to be making you unhappy, and therapy might give you some perspective on dating.
I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with being honest or being you. You seem like a nice person.
Just putting out something for you to think about?
P.S. Jay, how did you get the idea that I was asking you to play games, when what I suggested was that you appreciate a woman for who they are and not just for the fact that they have two X chromsomes?
Posted by IsoM on August 30, 2002, at 18:57:12
In reply to Re: Finding Someone... » IsoM, posted by jay on August 30, 2002, at 14:39:21
Jay, you may have your standards too high for most women you meet. Now before you get upset, I think it's a good thing to have high standards. But my cynicism is going to show but really, the majority of people, while basically being reasonably good types, are not that deep. Life revolves around the mundane for most. Few seem to talk about much more than their jobs, what they saw on TV or movies, & very average boring things. Few have any real passion for life or 'joie de vie'.
Maybe your problem isn't who you are but who's out there. Don't you feel that the really good ones are generally already taken? That & the common herd seems already matched up, leaving those older few who have trouble finding someone with similar interests & values.
As we grow older too, our values will often crystallize & that narrows our choices down. I can find a few men with interests somewhat (only) similar to me, but none with similar interests AND similar values. We're older, we're wiser & it becomes harder & harder to find someone you can connect with.
Why do you think I've chosen to remain single? I don't want to get locked in some meaningless relationship that just rots away. I think I'd need to engineer some guy to find what I'd want. Yes, my standards are very high, but damn it! I do have a lot to offer & would never again settle for less. So I settle for nothing. I'm happier this way.
Oh well, my little rant. Just telling you it ain't easy & never will be.
Posted by jay on August 30, 2002, at 22:16:26
In reply to Re: I think you misunderstood » jay, posted by Dinah on August 30, 2002, at 15:50:03
Well, I really think the start of a relationship can be game playing. It's almost like a tease. Maybe I understand the psychology of it too well. I've been in a number of serious relationships and understand what you are saying, but a couple of the best relationships I have ever been in have just been going out for a few weeks, and then diving in.Mind you, I did a LOT of 'pre-screening', but I spent much of the 'courting' time talking and talking AND talking with my partners. If I am interested in someone, I think life is way too short, and considering what I had went through and lost, maybe that even hammers it home more.
Especially as I get older, I approach it all very seriously. Maybe it's TOO serious..I dunno. But, do you understand what I am saying?
Thanks..
Jay
Posted by Dinah on August 30, 2002, at 22:26:11
In reply to Re: I think you misunderstood » Dinah, posted by jay on August 30, 2002, at 22:16:26
>
> Especially as I get older, I approach it all very seriously. Maybe it's TOO serious..I dunno. But, do you understand what I am saying?
>
> Thanks..
> JayI guess so Jay. Perhaps just a difference in our personality styles? What works for you wouldn't necessarily be what works for me. But each to his own
Good luck,
Dinah
Posted by Kath on September 1, 2002, at 15:07:31
In reply to Re: I think you misunderstood, posted by Dinah on August 30, 2002, at 22:26:11
Hi Jay - I haven't read all the posts in this 'thread', however, I'd like to share that I think the very bestest relationship is one founded on friendship. And what better place to make a friend than doing something you love doing. Unless you love hanging at bars, obviously the bar scene is 'forget it'.
After my former husband left me, I was feeling pretty much like damaged goods. A dear friend said to me, 'You might be missing the forest for the trees. Look at the people you already know.'
As things turned out, my husband, Craig & I met while out with mutual friends, at the friend's daughter's birthday skiing party. We had fun, kept skiing together & gradually it grew to feeling more close & viola - 3 years later we were married. That was 9 years ago & we have a lovely happy marriage. Once the in-love-magic mellowed, (which it always does in my opinion) we had that wonderful friendship to fall back on. Might sound corny, but he's my bestest friend!
Good luck, Jay. Kath
Posted by Heather66 on September 3, 2002, at 13:28:39
In reply to Re: Finding Someone...Oe last bit » jay, posted by IsoM on August 30, 2002, at 18:57:12
ISOM-
I agree with you 100%.I also think the problem isn't who you are but who's out there.
I constantly find that "Few seem to talk about much more than their jobs, what they saw on TV or movies, & very average boring things."
Your message is very well put. It's always nice to know there are other people out there that think the same way.
This is the end of the thread.
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