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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by littleone on February 3, 2007, at 17:12:45
My T knows that I had really bad experience when I was younger but he only knows it exists, I've never told him what happened or anything.
Last night I wrote it all out for him. Very very upsetting and shameful and awful.
Had a very big cry, but it was good. Towards the end I was able to tell myself that I would have protected me and kept me safe. Which is a very good step I think.
Had nightmares last night, but I wrote them out for T.
Feel very tender and bruised.
Don't see T til Tuesday, so even though I'm kind of okay at the moment, I worry that I'll really struggle between now and then. It's a long time to sit on this.
I think there's another part hidden under here. A very shameful one. I don't want another one. I want less, not more.
I'm going to walk through the botanical gardens this morning to distract and soothe. I have my furry fox with me. I slept with him and my hanky last night. Had to have nice clean sheets on the bed. The other ones were too dirty and disgusting.
Feel like I have to be gentle gentle softly with myself.
Posted by sunnydays on February 3, 2007, at 18:04:42
In reply to Telling T big bad secret memory, posted by littleone on February 3, 2007, at 17:12:45
Yes, be as gentle with yourself as you can. I'm trying to do that too right now. I can't offer much more than good job.
((((littleone))))
sunnydays
Posted by toojane on February 3, 2007, at 19:00:53
In reply to Telling T big bad secret memory, posted by littleone on February 3, 2007, at 17:12:45
> Feel like I have to be gentle gentle softly with myself.Littleone, I'm so impressed with how kind and gentle you are with yourself. Your therapist must be incredibly proud of you.
I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. Yes, it is a long time to wait until Tuesday. Memories don't often surface at the best of times, do they? It would have been easier maybe if this had happened Monday night. But even so, these extra days will let you process your thoughts and feelings more and maybe by Tuesday it will be a little easier to talk to your T than if it was too fresh???
Posted by littleone on February 3, 2007, at 19:06:43
In reply to Re: Telling T big bad secret memory » littleone, posted by sunnydays on February 3, 2007, at 18:04:42
Yeah, I had been reading your group therapy post. I had no idea what to add. I'm sorry you're struggling. If you're feeling numb, writing things out (even when you'd rather avoid) and building safety can help.
Did you end up getting your paints for Christmas?
And weren't you thinking about building a little safe place in your home? How did that go? I'd love to hear about it if you wanted to share. I hope it's a nice safe haven for you now when things are hard.
Would you like to sit amongst the flowers with me? We could just sit quietly and watch the butterflies and the flowers nod in the breeze. I think there's a little herb garden around the corner where we can poke around and smell things if you like. There's little benches under big shady trees. Very peaceful there.
Posted by littleone on February 3, 2007, at 19:32:54
In reply to Re: Telling T big bad secret memory » littleone, posted by toojane on February 3, 2007, at 19:00:53
Thanks for your kind words toojane. It's felt so quiet in babbleland this week.
> Littleone, I'm so impressed with how kind and gentle you are with yourself. Your therapist must be incredibly proud of you.
I think he would agree that I've made some big steps forward recently. But of course, there are always steps backwards. Just last session I was trying to convince him the parts are a just put on in order for me to orchestrate things. I'm glad that he's very good at shooting through all my reasons.
> I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. Yes, it is a long time to wait until Tuesday. Memories don't often surface at the best of times, do they? It would have been easier maybe if this had happened Monday night.Yes, imagine if you had all your memories on video tapes and you could just pop one on an hour or so before your session. That would seem so much simpler. I've heard of people using a video tape technique to deal with memories but I can't seem to do that.
> But even so, these extra days will let you process your thoughts and feelings more and maybe by Tuesday it will be a little easier to talk to your T than if it was too fresh???
Maybe. I get worried that I'll end up writing too much junk to him so he'll spend the whole session reading everything and will have no time to talk. I definately don't want that this time.
Posted by Daisym on February 3, 2007, at 20:08:55
In reply to Telling T big bad secret memory, posted by littleone on February 3, 2007, at 17:12:45
I'm glad you captured it all on paper, littleone, and now you can tuck it away until Tuesday. Does your husband know? Talking it over with him might help. But if nothing else, tell him you need peace and gentleness right now. I'm glad you have gardens to walk through.
It is always amazing to me that as much as I've said out loud, then next thing to say is equally hard. But the only way to healing is through it and the only way through it is to name it, feel it and finally figure out how to accept it as part of your history.
It has been quiet here, hasn't it?
Posted by muffled on February 3, 2007, at 20:51:17
In reply to Telling T big bad secret memory, posted by littleone on February 3, 2007, at 17:12:45
This part that says this gentle softly sounds like such a nice part. Mebbe like my Ikid.
Mebbe shameful part needs to know its not shameful, its just a kid. Mebbe its just a facet of an existing kid.
Its goona be OK. Thank you for your good posts to me.
Its nice to not be alone. You so 'get' it.
I don't understand this stuff too much, I still way too scared.
I can learn from you.
Thank you.
Muffled
Posted by zenhussy on February 3, 2007, at 21:02:31
In reply to Telling T big bad secret memory, posted by littleone on February 3, 2007, at 17:12:45
>>>Had a very big cry, but it was good. Towards the end I was able to tell myself that I would have protected me and kept me safe. Which is a very good step I think.<<<
massively huge step littleone. good for you. and your wisdom of being gentle with self/ves for next while shows you've been on this journey for some time and learned much. thx for sharing here what is helping you and yours.
Posted by littleone on February 4, 2007, at 20:05:27
In reply to Re: Telling T big bad secret memory » littleone, posted by Daisym on February 3, 2007, at 20:08:55
> I'm glad you captured it all on paper, littleone, and now you can tuck it away until Tuesday.
Yeah, it is all captured there. I like the idea that it can’t escape or just drift apart into thin air. I lose thoughts, experiences, memories so easily. They just float away. Now it’s set in concrete and waiting for my T. And yeah, tucked away is exactly right. Have tried to do that. Don’t want to overwhelm myself by keeping it out and working/worrying over it.
> Does your husband know? Talking it over with him might help. But if nothing else, tell him you need peace and gentleness right now.
No way. Definitely not. I think it came out this weekend because he went away for the weekend so I was home alone and it was safe to let things out. It was safe to let go and wail and cry. He’s back now and the nice mask is back in place. It feels worse now that things *have* to be tucked away because he’s there rather than just *wanting* to tuck them away for my own benefit. I don’t think I can even tell him I need peace and gentleness. Hopefully he will be pretty relaxed anyway after his weekend away.
> It is always amazing to me that as much as I've said out loud, then next thing to say is equally hard. But the only way to healing is through it and the only way through it is to name it, feel it and finally figure out how to accept it as part of your history.
I know what you say is so right, but ugh. I wish this was easier. Just focus on the baby steps.
> It has been quiet here, hasn't it?
I wasn’t sure if I was just imagining that or if it was real. It’s certainly felt quiet to me. Makes me antsy.
Posted by littleone on February 4, 2007, at 20:06:23
In reply to Gentle softly » littleone, posted by muffled on February 3, 2007, at 20:51:17
> This part that says this gentle softly sounds like such a nice part. Mebbe like my Ikid.
I suspect it’s something my adult self has had to learn – and is still learning.
> Mebbe shameful part needs to know its not shameful, its just a kid. Mebbe its just a facet of an existing kid.
Yeah, I’m not sure yet. Sometimes I feel like all my parts are a big blob of spaghetti and if you pick one little bit out, you can’t tell if it’s an existing strand you know about, or a whole new one hidden amongst the others. They’re all woven around together so it’s real hard to see where one ends and another starts. And it’s real hard work to pull out a strand without snapping it to have a look at it.
> Thank you for your good posts to me.
> Its nice to not be alone. You so 'get' it.I’ve really like talking to you muffled. And you’ve really helped me a lot. When you talk to me, you reach my younger parts a lot and that doesn’t usually happen with other posters. It’s been really good for them. I feel very safe with you. You often have a smart way of looking at things.
> I don't understand this stuff too much, I still way too scared.
You are doing really well muffled. It’s a long journey and you can go as slowly as you like. Slowly is good because you absorb more (like when you walk slowly and see more tiny interesting things). And you aren’t alone on the track. There are others up ahead or back behind you, so if you fall, someone will come along and help you up.
> I can learn from you.
We learn from each other. I don’t think you realise how much you help me too.
Posted by littleone on February 4, 2007, at 20:07:06
In reply to 'would have protected'.....very very good step!! » littleone, posted by zenhussy on February 3, 2007, at 21:02:31
> massively huge step littleone. good for you. and your wisdom of being gentle with self/ves for next while shows you've been on this journey for some time and learned much. thx for sharing here what is helping you and yours.
It’s funny you would use the word wisdom. I know we haven’t really talked before, but I’ve always thought of you as very wise and I have a lot of respect for the way you move forward on your own journey.
And I think you’re right, that this was a massively huge step forward. It’s such a big mind shift from searching for acceptance/validation/protection/etc from external sources to changing that so you search for those things from within. It has a huge impact on many beliefs we hold.
Posted by sunnydays on February 4, 2007, at 20:47:14
In reply to Re: Telling T big bad secret memory » sunnydays, posted by littleone on February 3, 2007, at 19:06:43
> Yeah, I had been reading your group therapy post. I had no idea what to add. I'm sorry you're struggling. If you're feeling numb, writing things out (even when you'd rather avoid) and building safety can help.
**** Yeah, it's just that when I'm numb, I can't think of anything to right. Everything's gone except the numbness. And that disturbs me because I know there is so much there that just won't come out.
>
> Did you end up getting your paints for Christmas?***** No. :( I didn't get anything I wanted at all, hardly. Except I got this really nice coat, it's purple (my favorite color), and it's down so it's like wearing a pillow.
>
> And weren't you thinking about building a little safe place in your home? How did that go? I'd love to hear about it if you wanted to share. I hope it's a nice safe haven for you now when things are hard.**** It didn't go so well. I just hung out on my bed mostly. I'm hardly ever there, so I had little incentive to make it when I was home.
>
> Would you like to sit amongst the flowers with me? We could just sit quietly and watch the butterflies and the flowers nod in the breeze. I think there's a little herb garden around the corner where we can poke around and smell things if you like. There's little benches under big shady trees. Very peaceful there.
**** I would love that. Sit by some lilac bushes and smell that wonderful intoxicating scent that I love so much...sunnydays
Posted by muffled on February 5, 2007, at 9:37:10
In reply to Re: Gentle softly » muffled, posted by littleone on February 4, 2007, at 20:06:23
> > This part that says this gentle softly sounds like such a nice part. Mebbe like my Ikid.
>
> I suspect it’s something my adult self has had to learn – and is still learning.
>
> > Mebbe shameful part needs to know its not shameful, its just a kid. Mebbe its just a facet of an existing kid.
>
> Yeah, I’m not sure yet. Sometimes I feel like all my parts are a big blob of spaghetti and if you pick one little bit out, you can’t tell if it’s an existing strand you know about, or a whole new one hidden amongst the others. They’re all woven around together so it’s real hard to see where one ends and another starts. And it’s real hard work to pull out a strand without snapping it to have a look at it.
>
> > Thank you for your good posts to me.
> > Its nice to not be alone. You so 'get' it.
>
> I’ve really like talking to you muffled. And you’ve really helped me a lot. When you talk to me, you reach my younger parts a lot and that doesn’t usually happen with other posters. It’s been really good for them. I feel very safe with you. You often have a smart way of looking at things.
>
> > I don't understand this stuff too much, I still way too scared.
>
> You are doing really well muffled. It’s a long journey and you can go as slowly as you like. Slowly is good because you absorb more (like when you walk slowly and see more tiny interesting things). And you aren’t alone on the track. There are others up ahead or back behind you, so if you fall, someone will come along and help you up.
>
> > I can learn from you.
>
> We learn from each other. I don’t think you realise how much you help me too.
>
>**You make my heart sing littleone!!!
I wish you best wishes on Tuesday.
I hope everybody will be OK and releived by your talking to T.
When you are ready, mebbe you can say how it went?
Take care,
Muffled
Posted by Poet on February 5, 2007, at 10:57:57
In reply to Telling T big bad secret memory, posted by littleone on February 3, 2007, at 17:12:45
Hi Littleone,
In therapy I'm starting to work on self-compassion/forgiveness, and I think that you being able to say that you would have protected yourself is a major leap of self-compassion.
Take care.
Poet
Posted by littleone on February 5, 2007, at 19:39:14
In reply to Re: Telling T big bad secret memory » littleone, posted by Poet on February 5, 2007, at 10:57:57
> In therapy I’m starting to work on self-compassion/forgiveness, and I think that you being able to say that you would have protected yourself is a major leap of self-compassion.
Hi Poet, I think you’re right. Self-compassion is a very good description of it. It’s so hard, isn’t it? It’s still something I need to work hard at, it doesn’t come naturally to me. I recently made up some affirmations for myself that kind of keep reminding me and pushing me to accept, own, love and nurture myself. I think it would be a good idea to expand on them to include self-compassion. It’s a very important component of those things.
I was thinking about your self compassion list and wondered if you could feel a tiny bit of compassion for yourself because you’ve had to listen to a very harsh inner critic for so many years? Regardless of whether you deserve that criticism or not, can you empathise about how tiring/upsetting/hurtful it must feel to be constantly battered like that?
That thought kind of continues for me – I imagine a worker being constantly and harshly criticised by their boss. Even if the worker did really awful work, they are still a person with feelings and would get so beaten down by the criticism. I imagine that the worker would find it very difficult to do good work under those circumstances. The stress and pressure and demoralisation. I imagine that the worker would almost even feel like they’ve failed before they’ve even started on the job – but then they have to go ahead and do the job anyway. Do it knowing they will be beat up again afterwards.
I wish I could go and touch that worker’s hand. Let them know they aren’t alone. Let them know it’s not hopeless. Stand beside them and share the load a little and let them know that they matter to me.
Take care Poet.
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 6, 2007, at 21:45:57
In reply to Re: Telling T big bad secret memory » Poet, posted by littleone on February 5, 2007, at 19:39:14
Hey littleone,
I'm so sorry that you have big bad secret memory.I know what it's like to feel like it's a weight. a horrible thing to carry from session to session.
I've done a couple of the big bad secret memory sessions now. They are really scary when you're in the thick of it. It has always been really difficult for me to deal with the dreams, in particular.
And the worst is the feeling that I'm the stupidest, weakest person in the world- why do I even bother telling T this? I already know about this memory. What can T tell me that is ever going to make it go away.
And then, in retrospect, I see the big bad sessions as turning points in a relationship. Kind of like when a teacher asks you about your personal life, or when the mailman asks you how your vacation was. Only SCARY as all hell!!!!
I guess the thing that surprises me the most is that T's LIKE this stuff. They like hearing our deepest dirtiest nastiest stuff. I "understand" why. It's because their client trusts them with it. Trust is so important to getting the hard work done. My bad parts fight and fight and fight over every single little dirty confession I offer to the woman sitting across from me. I believe she is my judge, about to sentence me to a code violation from the DSM-IV and impose a fine of self-loathing, or worse- a judgement of "incurable insanity" lock her up. etc...
But she LIKES it. she even told me on day one "I am here to hold your crap" and she held out her hands like she was holding an orange out. Hahahaha my joke is that my CRAP is much much larger than an orange. Somehow, though, after I tell the story, it's not so big anymore. It's not so scary.
But yeah, sometimes, the big ugly secret is just the bodyguard for the gigantic disgusting repressed memory. I KNOW it happened, but why, when, where? And there it is- the reason for my feelings of ___ in situations of _____.
The gigantic ugly secret is the truth. The truth as we make sense of our world right now, and the truth as we made sense of our world at the time the original memory was encoded.
Back to basic cognitive psychology "Every retrieval leads to re-encoding". That is that every time you retrieve a memory (and "work" on it, through discussion and elaboration, journaling, etc.) you have the OPPORTUNITY to knock it down a notch on the scary-ness scale.
Until then, just remind yourself that you are a very special littleone and you will be OKAY. the truth will set you free. the struggle will make you stronger. there are only 24 hours in a day.
((((((gentle hugs littleone)))))))
-Ll
Posted by littleone on February 7, 2007, at 23:21:43
In reply to Re: Telling T big bad secret memory » littleone, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on February 6, 2007, at 21:45:57
Thanks Llurpsie. I have strong beliefs that talking never helps. I partly understand where that belief has come from and so I try to be open to the idea that perhaps talking can indeed help. So I ball up my courage and tell my T and it never seems to make a difference. It just feels like the talking never helps belief has been reinforced.
And the worst thing is that I can’t even remember what was said to be able to know what he said right or wrong. I know I have the miserable part that rejects everything he says, but I can’t even remember if the talking didn’t help because she was there rejecting, or whether my T really was saying the wrong things.
Had my running shoes on and all laced up after my session. Even if I stayed I wanted to close up shop and give my T nothing else and have vegetable sessions. And instead I’ve written pages upon pages of stuff for him. Have way too much now. But I still don’t want to give him anything. I’m so back and forth. Very conflicted. Therapy is just way too hard for my liking. Ditto for life in general.
Posted by littleone on February 7, 2007, at 23:23:11
In reply to Re: Telling T big bad secret memory, posted by sunnydays on February 4, 2007, at 20:47:14
> **** Yeah, it's just that when I'm numb, I can't think of anything to right. Everything's gone except the numbness. And that disturbs me because I know there is so much there that just won't come out.
Yeah, I know how that is. It will come when you’re ready for it.
> ***** No. :( I didn't get anything I wanted at all, hardly. Except I got this really nice coat, it's purple (my favorite color), and it's down so it's like wearing a pillow.
:( I would have got you paints and clay and fun things. Maybe if you get a little money up you could treat yourself. You deserve them. You can pick a lot of art things up really cheap these days – they don’t have to be high quality. And if you really wanted to do something special for yourself, you could wrap them up for a couple of days then give them to yourself. I know that sounds a bit lame, but if they are something your little girl would like, then that could feel very lovely and special.
And I can’t get over your coat :). Whenever I try to think of it, I just imagine you with some pillows tied around your waist (which would be lovely and comfy whenever you sat/lay down, but would be rather awkward walking around). Purple is my favourite colour too.
> **** It didn't go so well. I just hung out on my bed mostly. I'm hardly ever there, so I had little incentive to make it when I was home.
Oh well, maybe it isn’t something you really need right now.
Hope things get a little easier for you.
Posted by muffled on February 8, 2007, at 21:48:56
In reply to Re: Telling T big bad secret memory » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by littleone on February 7, 2007, at 23:21:43
> I have strong beliefs that talking never helps. I partly understand where that belief has come from and so I try to be open to the idea that perhaps talking can indeed help. So I ball up my courage and tell my T and it never seems to make a difference. It just feels like the talking never helps belief has been reinforced.
>
> And the worst thing is that I can’t even remember what was said to be able to know what he said right or wrong. I know I have the miserable part that rejects everything he says, but I can’t even remember if the talking didn’t help because she was there rejecting, or whether my T really was saying the wrong things.
>
> Had my running shoes on and all laced up after my session. Even if I stayed I wanted to close up shop and give my T nothing else and have vegetable sessions. And instead I’ve written pages upon pages of stuff for him. Have way too much now. But I still don’t want to give him anything. I’m so back and forth. Very conflicted. Therapy is just way too hard for my liking. Ditto for life in general.
>*this is exactly what i don't understand. My T says i can say stuff to her, but why would I? I don't understand. Its like a magic thing that talking makes it go away? I think it would hurt me and whats the point? So I don't even go there. Cuz it makes no sense. I feel hurting I run away. I hide.
Sorry littleone bout the blanking out I HATE that. Cuz I wonder what is the point of it all when I can remember NOTHING, when we do tough stuff. And sometimes my T says stuff, but its stuff I know, and really its someone else whats got the problem, but they don't hear it. And people get riled up and it gets all confusing and I get tired, and sometimes I act like SUCH an idiot in front of others cuz I in the wrong mode.
Arrrggghhh.
And all week I goto pretend its fine, and then I see T 1 hr and we never say enough, cuz by 1 hr I SO tired, but it takes me so long to chill.
AArrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhhhh.
Take care littleone.
Muffled
Posted by Daisym on February 8, 2007, at 23:16:52
In reply to Re: Telling T big bad secret memory » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by littleone on February 7, 2007, at 23:21:43
Thanks Llurpsie. I have strong beliefs that talking never helps. I partly understand where that belief has come from and so I try to be open to the idea that perhaps talking can indeed help. So I ball up my courage and tell my T and it never seems to make a difference. It just feels like the talking never helps belief has been reinforced.
****I've always thought this too. The best way to feel better is to move on, not think, not tell, just go forward. The faster the better. But perhaps it isn't the talking at all...it is the connecting and the listening and the sharing of the pain behind the words. How else will you hear yourself if you don't tell him?And the worst thing is that I can’t even remember what was said to be able to know what he said right or wrong. I know I have the miserable part that rejects everything he says, but I can’t even remember if the talking didn’t help because she was there rejecting, or whether my T really was saying the wrong things.
***You'd know if they were the wrong things. Your radar is too good and your brain would sort out and eventually make sense of hurtful words or intentions. My therapist often tells me that what he says is less important that the way he says it and the fact that he is there to say it at all. 90% of communication isn't spoken. So the part that is rejecting is being met by his quiet part that refuses to be rejected and is patiently waiting for her to see that he is safe and sweet and won't hurt her. He will wait. She needs him too.Had my running shoes on and all laced up after my session. Even if I stayed I wanted to close up shop and give my T nothing else and have vegetable sessions. And instead I’ve written pages upon pages of stuff for him. Have way too much now. But I still don’t want to give him anything. I’m so back and forth. Very conflicted.
***I know this feeling too well. But give it to him anyway. All of it. It sounds so important. I think pounding the pavement is a great way to work out some of the conflict. Just know you have to come back to it eventually.Therapy is just way too hard for my liking. Ditto for life in general.
***I know. I agree. But you are doing it. You are doing some really hard work AND you are writing about it here. I hope you have a peaceful weekend.
Daisy
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