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Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh » littleone

Posted by muffled on February 8, 2007, at 21:48:56

In reply to Re: Telling T big bad secret memory » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by littleone on February 7, 2007, at 23:21:43

> I have strong beliefs that talking never helps. I partly understand where that belief has come from and so I try to be open to the idea that perhaps talking can indeed help. So I ball up my courage and tell my T and it never seems to make a difference. It just feels like the talking never helps belief has been reinforced.
>
> And the worst thing is that I can’t even remember what was said to be able to know what he said right or wrong. I know I have the miserable part that rejects everything he says, but I can’t even remember if the talking didn’t help because she was there rejecting, or whether my T really was saying the wrong things.
>
> Had my running shoes on and all laced up after my session. Even if I stayed I wanted to close up shop and give my T nothing else and have vegetable sessions. And instead I’ve written pages upon pages of stuff for him. Have way too much now. But I still don’t want to give him anything. I’m so back and forth. Very conflicted. Therapy is just way too hard for my liking. Ditto for life in general.
>

*this is exactly what i don't understand. My T says i can say stuff to her, but why would I? I don't understand. Its like a magic thing that talking makes it go away? I think it would hurt me and whats the point? So I don't even go there. Cuz it makes no sense. I feel hurting I run away. I hide.
Sorry littleone bout the blanking out I HATE that. Cuz I wonder what is the point of it all when I can remember NOTHING, when we do tough stuff. And sometimes my T says stuff, but its stuff I know, and really its someone else whats got the problem, but they don't hear it. And people get riled up and it gets all confusing and I get tired, and sometimes I act like SUCH an idiot in front of others cuz I in the wrong mode.
Arrrggghhh.
And all week I goto pretend its fine, and then I see T 1 hr and we never say enough, cuz by 1 hr I SO tired, but it takes me so long to chill.
AArrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhhhh.
Take care littleone.
Muffled

 

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