Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 555919

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Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( kerria

Posted by JenStar on September 17, 2005, at 13:13:14

In reply to Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( fairywings, posted by kerria on September 17, 2005, at 12:10:49

Kerria,
I'm truly sorry you're suffering.

I know I've said this before, and I'll just say it this one more time, so I don't start to sound like any annoying broken record. And in advance, I'm NOT trying to be mean or b**chy, but I'm very worried when I hear you talk like you've given up on everything!

It really sounds to me like you're acting a bit like a suffering martyr, and not taking responsibility for yourself, your actions or your future. I think it is not your T's job to fix your life -- it's YOUR job, and the T can help. But if you set him up to be your sole savior, protector, guardian, understander, etc -- you're really setting yourself up for disappointment, because no T can or will be those things.

You're blaming a lot on your family, your husband, your T, the hospital, the system in general. I agree that all of those people/places are probalby not perfect, and might sometimes be cruel/disappointing. But it really sounds to me that you're not really taking actions or responsibility to help yourself get better.

I know that I don't understand what it's like to have parts or to be in chronic pain, but if you're TRULY unable to function AT ALL - even to get to an appointment -- I think you need SERIOUS inpatient help.

I don't think it's fair for someone say that their T or your therapy is ruining them...that's (in my opinion) giving too much power to the T, and a way of dodging responsibility for ones own issues and problems.

Kerria, I'm sorry again if I sounded harsh. But I just don't see how you're going to improve at all if you just keep complaining about the T, about the system, about the doctors, about your H...and not doing anything to improve your situation.

I truly wish you can find the strength to get a new T, get into an in-patient program, learn how to communicate within yourself, and start enjoying life again. I wish you that so very much!

Take care of yourself, and best of luck.
JenStar

 

Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( kerria

Posted by rs on September 17, 2005, at 16:13:17

In reply to T says he's sorry. That's all :(, posted by kerria on September 17, 2005, at 0:55:51

Hi Kerria
First have been member for some time but do not post often. I have been following your post.
Kerria I have been in treatment for DID for sometime with a T that moved out of state. The work was hard but knew to make things better had to really want to face parts and the past. Accept.
When T moved took sometime to find another one. Did with must determination. Yes it is difficult to find one that will work with this and support but it is possible.
Kerria I have suffered much in the past. I cannot explain the abuse that was suffered but today am healing from it. Therapy is painful. I am fourtante to have a great T but I had to search and be willing to comunicate with parts no matter what.
It can be done. IMO I feel it is time for you to either find a different T and keep on searching. My T is there but I do the work. He is there during sessions and caring but it is up to me to do the work. He cannot know how it is to be me or can anyone else. Yes he can support and listen and see the pain from different parts. He talks to different parts but will always share what is said and we work from there. Not easy. Honestly darn hurts. But it can be done.
There is no way around but to do the work. If you feel this T your seeing is not helping please search. No matter what t you find your going to be responsible for the work. Not your T your husband etc. Oh many times I blame my T because of the pain that is felt inside in different ways but in reality it is not him at all is the pass abuse that was suffered. I am accpeting all of me for me. To find peace and happiness. Work Ft which is very difficult at times but have no choice. I know I cannot blame parts for whatever happened or happens today. I need to learn to take responsiblity and know they helped me. No its not again easy and painful.
Kerria I am telling you all this because I understand having DID causing different parts, different ages, different sex, different feelings and different memories. I am slowly healing and accepting.
I wish you the best and healing is possible and accepting and also finding the right T. But this was all up to me.
Hang in there and IMO think time for a different T if this is how you feel about present one. Also my T again can listen support but honeslty cannot identify or no person can unless they have been through it and everyone suffers in their own ways.
I hope this did not sound cold which did not mean to be.
Just that i have hurt much and still do at times but know what I have to do and willing to take the risk no matter what. It is up to me to do it.

 

Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( kerria

Posted by terrics on September 17, 2005, at 16:54:20

In reply to T says he's sorry. That's all :(, posted by kerria on September 17, 2005, at 0:55:51

To me it sounds like he does care about you. terrics

 

Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :(

Posted by rs on September 17, 2005, at 17:12:25

In reply to Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( kerria, posted by terrics on September 17, 2005, at 16:54:20

Hi Kerria
I have no doubt that he cares but I am trying to say that it took work and search to find this T. Please search out. You will find that right T and you can do it really. Please hang in there with hope

 

Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( JenStar

Posted by kerria on September 17, 2005, at 18:38:51

In reply to Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( kerria, posted by JenStar on September 17, 2005, at 13:13:14

JenStar how could you misunderstand so much?

 

Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :(

Posted by kerria on September 17, 2005, at 18:53:36

In reply to Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( kerria, posted by rs on September 17, 2005, at 16:13:17

Why does anyone think that i blame T for my pain? or my h for my pain? Where did i say that?

and didn't i explain clearly why it wouldn't be a good idea to go to a hospital?

At least read what i wrote before you write back. i'm in a bad place and need support.

i know that therapy changed me.

Everyone that knows me, not only my h says that.
i SEE that- especially when i came across some stories that i wrote for an English class just before i found out that i had DID. It's not just therapy that changed me, it's also finding out that i had DID. It changed me for the worst. i still may be 100 % better some day but not now.

About my T- i haven't been able to even get to therapy. i don't think of or depend on my T for anything. That's the problem. i can't trust him enough to depend upon him and do therapy. The talking to parts that T does has changed my personality, temporarily or permanently for the worst.
i'm not able to have a normal relationship with my H and with kids, i'm not able to work as well, i'm not able to go on camping trips because of having indecisions, my parts won't let me go.

There's no one to come in front and steer in my personality now. we're a mess.

The chronic pain is a physical issue that hopefully i can find a good dr and have a nerve block.


 

Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( terrics

Posted by kerria on September 17, 2005, at 18:56:18

In reply to Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( kerria, posted by terrics on September 17, 2005, at 16:54:20

how do you see that? i'd like to see- i'm frantically always looking for something that can help me believe that my T cares about me.

 

Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( rs

Posted by kerria on September 17, 2005, at 19:00:27

In reply to Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :(, posted by rs on September 17, 2005, at 17:12:25

Thank you, i'm trying to hang on all this time- it's five years with this T. It wasn't hard to find him and he didn't want to take me at first either. The T that was on my insurance knew him and referred me . They worked at the same hospital.

Right now i probably have to try to get the physical problem fixed first- most urgent.

 

Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( kerria

Posted by terrics on September 17, 2005, at 21:19:08

In reply to Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( terrics, posted by kerria on September 17, 2005, at 18:56:18

Someone can really care about you but not enter into your experience. Ts. treat many illness: bipolar, depression, schizophrenia, all kinds of personality disorders and on and on. If he enterd all these experiences he would be one mess and would not be able to help anyone. The other things you say sound like caring to me. He did not have to say that he cared, so I think he is sincere. terrics

 

Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :(

Posted by kerria on September 17, 2005, at 21:34:59

In reply to Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( kerria, posted by terrics on September 17, 2005, at 21:19:08

my T only has treated trauma disorders. i'm not a disorder anyways. If one person could just understand what it was like to have my problems maybe he or she could help me know how to get better.

Right now everything is a confusing mess and no amount of trying to do better could help. The problem is that there isn't a 'host' part or a leader in me anymore. There wasn't before i knew that i had DID either but now it's harder because we know about switching. Five years ago we just were different for each place or relationship like at home and work and school and hiking club.

Being inpatient is the worst for me because i have nothing to ground to - there is no 'hospital part ' so there's 'no one to be' there . Whenever i'm away from everything like that i fall apart . i have to bring things to ground me and think about my family, work, and hiking, etc, and hope the part comes so i know what i am.

so frustrated . no one will try and understand that trying to do better doesn't help:(
no one's in charge - not because they won't but because we can't.

 

Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :(

Posted by kerria on September 17, 2005, at 23:01:45

In reply to Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( kerria, posted by fairywings on September 17, 2005, at 8:14:26

hi fairywings,

Thank you for encouraging me to find another T. i do want to try and find another one but some of my parts are too attached to T- my littles like him because he's the only one who talks to them.
They're so troubled now at all the things going on. They don't know why the body is in pain and i can't tell them. i have to try to remember to keep on top of pain medicine so we don't get in pain.

it's so difficult. we're so alone in the struggle and parts see T so many different ways. It's been too hard to do therapy though because there isn't the trust. Every session there's mostly just crying and not much anything else.

i can never be understood by anyone . Always when i try to explain how it really is people think the opposite. There's too many parts coming to talk. It's so hard to be so misunderstood. i wish that i had friends. It seems like everyone just mostly sticks together. i've posted to others but not telling them what they need to do or critical things like i heard here , especially when i can't do it and parts of me want to.It makes me hate my parts when people tell me critical things. It hurts a lot.

Parts are divided about leaving T. That stops me from finding another T.

tears,
kerria

 

I'm very sorry! kerria

Posted by JenStar on September 17, 2005, at 23:12:58

In reply to Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( JenStar, posted by kerria on September 17, 2005, at 18:38:51

Kerria,
I'm sorry. I know I don't understand your situation. I genuinely hope that things get better for you. I'm wishing you all the best. And I'm sorry if my words hurt you in my previous post.

take care,
JenStar

 

Re: I'm very sorry!

Posted by kerria on September 17, 2005, at 23:19:14

In reply to I'm very sorry! kerria, posted by JenStar on September 17, 2005, at 23:12:58

it's ok JenStar.

Everybody's sorry but still no one will be my friend.

tears,
kerria

 

Re: I'm very sorry! JenStar

Posted by muffled on September 17, 2005, at 23:44:32

In reply to I'm very sorry! kerria, posted by JenStar on September 17, 2005, at 23:12:58

> Kerria,
> I'm sorry. I know I don't understand your situation. I genuinely hope that things get better for you. I'm wishing you all the best. And I'm sorry if my words hurt you in my previous post.
>
> take care,
> JenStar

Man, you just cared enough to try and call it as you saw it.I get tired of nicey, nicey b*llshit sometimes, lots of times. I told my T. to be the same way last week. I told her not to be nice and just lay it on the line. You do that for me too OK?
Thanks, Muffled

 

Be strong as you can :( (nm) kerria

Posted by muffled on September 17, 2005, at 23:47:22

In reply to Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :(, posted by kerria on September 17, 2005, at 23:01:45

 

Re: I'm very sorry!

Posted by rs on September 18, 2005, at 4:42:53

In reply to Re: I'm very sorry!, posted by kerria on September 17, 2005, at 23:19:14

Hi Kerria
I myself was sharing from experience and to support you that I understand being DID.
I did jump in here and do not post often so that is not right.
Again I just hope that you things work out.


 

Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( kerria

Posted by fairywings on September 18, 2005, at 6:40:57

In reply to Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( fairywings, posted by kerria on September 17, 2005, at 12:10:49

sounds to me like your T is perfectly happy to keep you dependant on him and not getting better, because he's being paid the full amount. i had a psychiatrist like that once. he didn't care either. i'm sorry you can't seem to break away from him and get going with another T, but i understand the attachment, even if it isn't a healthy one. i'm sorry. ; (
fw

 

Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :(

Posted by fairywings on September 18, 2005, at 6:57:15

In reply to Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( JenStar, posted by kerria on September 17, 2005, at 18:38:51

> JenStar how could you misunderstand so much?

what i heard is that you said it was a terrible match, and it is, you've admitted it so many times, but you've said you can't/won't find another T. everyone has encouraged you to get away from this T. he sounds like a beast, or it's your interpretation that he is. either way, he sounds very uncaring, and frankly a masters isn't that high a level of education to be an expert. maybe he is, i don't know, i'd be looking for a very kind, caring, person, with at least a masters, possibly a PhD.

You've also said that before therapy you were a student with a 3.8, and went camping every weekend, and were doing well. it seems to me that either this T has made you very ill, or you've regressed, or you've allowed yourself to become ill, or you have gotten worse. only you know the answer to that, and i'm not trying to pick on you, i'm just saying i guess is it's that it's one of those things.

i think that you've developed a very unhealthy attachment to this guy, you feel that you can't leave him, and he's manipulated you into believing that. after all if he's being paid 100% by ins. he has plenty of incentive to keep you on. i think the letter, cutting you off as a patient was meant as a threat, either you come back, or you're gone! i don't know, that's just my guess. i think he knows how threatened you'd feel by that. my guess is a good T, a caring T wouldn't do that.

i'm sorry your family won't help you, i'm sorry you're not up to calling. it does sound like you are very overwhelmed by life right now, and it sounds like this T has done you no favors kerria. one day i hope you can see that, admit it to yourself, and get out from under his thumb by choice.
fw

 

Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :(

Posted by kerria on September 18, 2005, at 8:06:31

In reply to Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :(, posted by fairywings on September 18, 2005, at 6:57:15

It so difficult to do anything when you have parts of you that you can't communicate with.

This is the problem. No one can help. i need to try to commununicate somehow that it would be better for all inside if we find a new T or that T would find us a new T- even that would hurt a lot because we would feel so abandoned.

i was able to find a new T (a good T, someone speaking at the ISSD conference) once and then my parts needed to see T1 again and T2 was upset and terminated.

Thank you, fw, rs and JenStar. it's so hard to come in here. Please don't say you're sorry- even that has turned into a triggering thing because when T said it he meant that he wouldn't change to be more caring and supportive to help me.

please just forget it. i'm switching a lot and it feels bad for me to read my writing here.
everything is so hard.

Take care,
kerria

 

Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( kerria

Posted by fairywings on September 18, 2005, at 8:57:41

In reply to Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :(, posted by kerria on September 18, 2005, at 8:06:31

maybe when he goes on vacation you could have an appointment with another T. that's how i got going with the T i'm with now. i'm glad i made the change. i hope you can do it too kerria, i know it will be very, very hard, but i just don't think this T is going to help you get out of the place where you are now and help you get beyond this unhappy state. maybe i'm wrong, i hope i am. it seems you need a T who will be more intensive, and who has a more personable way. i only wish i could help you, i wish i could make those calls for you, and take you by the hand, and take you to the new Ts, and not let you go back to the mean T because i've been there before, and i know how hard it is to switch to a new one. the first time it took me at least several months to quit mourning, even though the guy was no good for me.

fw

 

Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( kerria

Posted by alexandra_k on September 18, 2005, at 16:24:07

In reply to T says he's sorry. That's all :(, posted by kerria on September 17, 2005, at 0:55:51

Okay. I'm going to be frank because I don't think b*llshit will help at this point either.

Take what you can / will.

The way you describe your therapist... It sounds as though he is ENCOURAGING you to remain split. It sounds like he is ENCOURAGING your different parts to communicate with him which is doing nothing whatsoever towards helping you develop internal communication.

And to me... That is precisely how to make someone worse, not how to encourage them to get better.

But with respect to what others have said about taking responsibility for the actions of your body... I have to say that I agree. It doesn't sound like you do that. But then, to be fair, from what you have said it doesn't sound like your therapist is doing much to encourage you to do that either. So it is a hard one.

> Lately i can't even manage to get to appts,

Okay, so that is a problem. It is a problem for you. It is hard for therapy to work if you don't even go. And I'm sure it is a horrible inconvenience to your therapist who has kept that time slot open for you.

> "Just identify with me."
> "I am with you in the pain"
> No, it's not good enough to just be here with me, Identify with me. How YOU would feel if you were me and had all these things happen.

He can't do that.
And if he did do that... Then he most probably wouldn't be able to help you because then he'd be overwhelmed by the pain - just like you are. Other people don't have to catch our feeling in order to be able to help us. They just need to be sympathetic. Empathetic, sure, but for your therapist to catch your pain... What good would that do? It won't take your pain away. Your therapist can't do that. No human being can.

> Tears. T says he's sorry and he won't, he can't identify with me. He "feels" for me, his "heart goes out to me in my pain" but he can't/won't identify WITH me.

Sounds to me like he does empathise. Pain isn't something that you can just give away to somebody else.

> How do you go to a T that can't imagine what it's like to be you?

Sounds like he can imagine what it is like to the degree that is possible. What he can't do is live through them for you so you don't have to deal with them anymore.

> and always blames me or my parts for sabotaging my coming to therapy

Who is responsible for your not turning up to therapy if your body is not?

> my littles like him because he's the only one who talks to them.

You need to talk to them.
If you talk them then they won't need your t to talk to them.

> i was able to find a new T (a good T, someone speaking at the ISSD conference) once and then my parts needed to see T1 again and T2 was upset and terminated.

Okay. So you started seeing a new t who you thought was quite good but then... Went back to see your old therapist so you were terminated by your new therapist. The reason for that... Is that if T2 is trying to get you to work on communicating with your parts yourself then your parts talking to your first therapist is only undoing all the work that the second therapist is trying to do with you.

Can you go back to the second therapist and say that the most important thing to do first is to promise not to see anyone else and work towards getting a contract with all your parts to keep that promise?

It is a hard one...
It sounds like your therapist says some fairly hurtful things at times. And that he isn't as sympathetic as he could be. And that he might not have the best strategies worked out with respect to helping you feel better.

For me... alarm bells ring when you talk about him.

I have said before that I think you would be better off working with someone else.

But I think that other people would be a whole heap less willing to let you avoid internal communication by meeting communication needs themself. And I think that other people will terminate you if you keep going back to your current therapist.

If I was you...
I'd try to contact the therapist who terminated you.
Because terminating you at that point sounds like the right thing to do...
They can't help you if you can't contract to see just them.
But they can help you make that contract with yourself.
And in that way... They are starting to teach you how to be responsible for your actions.
And that is what will ultimately help you get better.
Make sense?

 

Wow. Alex, cool post. alexandra_k

Posted by muffled on September 18, 2005, at 23:22:39

In reply to Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( kerria, posted by alexandra_k on September 18, 2005, at 16:24:07

Man you can think real good. I'm very impressed. I think its so cool how people come up with stuff from their own experiences. It just seems so much more valid to me.
Muffled :)

 

Re: Wow. Alex, cool post. muffled

Posted by fairywings on September 19, 2005, at 6:25:07

In reply to Wow. Alex, cool post. alexandra_k, posted by muffled on September 18, 2005, at 23:22:39

I thought those were really good points too.
fw

 

Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( alexandra_k

Posted by kerria on September 19, 2005, at 8:31:29

In reply to Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( kerria, posted by alexandra_k on September 18, 2005, at 16:24:07

Thank you for your ideas, for caring to write, Alexandra.
This is so difficult- coming back to a discussion where different parts have written their understanding about T and how everything is. There is so much unsaid, not a complete understanding of my situation at all displayed. The things i wrote are not complete truths at all. They give a distorted impression of what it's really like. i can't help it because i don't have communication with my parts. It's confusing to me exactly what's wrong and why i'm so upset with T whenever i see him.

Maybe if i stick to facts it will be more clear.
i can't go back to T2.
i found T2 about 2 years ago through the ISSD and started seeing him and it was going well. i talked in the session a lot about T1 and how upsetting therapy was with him and the good things about T1 too- that my child parts thought of T as their favorite teacher, that it was hard not to ever see T1 again. They cried because they missed him and T2 also wouldn't talk to them so that made them doubly unhappy. If only T2 had tried to form a relationship with them it would have helped so much not to have to go back once to see T1. i was only going back once- and i had told T2 that i was doing it. That's why i was so upset when all of a sudden T2 terminated me without warning. He never said that "you can never go to T1 again or that's it."

One really hot summer day two years ago i came home after working so hard in sun all day, my paycheck was covering therapy - that was before the insurance helped as much. There was a letter from T2 on the table. He wrote how he would not be responsible for me in any way any longer and would never see me or have anything to do with me. It said that there were copies mailed to T1 and to my psyDr.
i totally fell apart reading it. i even sent it back to him, explaining how it hurt me - asking him how he would feel if it were him that received a letter like that if he were seeing a new T and thought things were going well.

i think that T2 didn't want to have me for a client and jumped on the opportunity. i could be mistaken but it was never discussed that seeing T1 one isolated time would terminate therapy. Most Ts would understand, i would think, that the T relationship is hard to abruptly stop. He didn't or else he didn't care how upsetting it would be for me. i had even waited for an opening to see him for about two- three months before i started and he treated me so badly.
He wouldn't take me back. That's what he said in the letter.

i dislike some of the beliefs of the ISSD. Many in that organization don't believe that every person with DID can be helped. He probably thought that i was untreatable so he terminated me:( That was a very discouraging day.

Please, don't feel that you need to help fix things - i need support just to go on. The ideas are good- i need a capacity- i want to always take responsibility for what i do- but then what? It's not so much taking responsibility- i know that if anything keeps me from therapy or going anywhere is my fault but then what? It doesn't change anything at all that i know i'm to blame if i can't get better.

Take care

 

Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( kerria

Posted by gardenergirl on September 19, 2005, at 11:56:27

In reply to Re: T says he's sorry. That's all :( alexandra_k, posted by kerria on September 19, 2005, at 8:31:29

> It's not so much taking responsibility- i know that if anything keeps me from therapy or going anywhere is my fault but then what? It doesn't change anything at all that i know i'm to blame if i can't get better.

Hi kerria,

I don't think anyone here is saying you are to blame if you don't get better. I think, instead, we are trying to help you find active things, things that might be within your control to focus on. You sound so hopeless and in such pain. I think that's what we are honing in on--the sense of hopelessness and perhaps helplessness that comes across in your posts.

So anything at all that you can do that's within your control to change might help you to feel a bit more hopeful about getting better.

((((kerria))))

gg
>
> Take care


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