![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by All Done on July 23, 2005, at 9:10:37
My husband's car didn't start and he had to take our son to swim class. So, he took mine instead. That means I can't get to therapy. It's the first time I've ever cancelled the morning of my session.
:(
I had a lot to talk to him about today because I've been feeling terribly lonely and I think I figured out part of the reason why I feel lonely a lot. Well, this certainly doesn't help. Now, I don't even get to see my T. Ususally, I don't think it would have been such a huge deal. Today, I feel like I want to cry. Darn...I think I might.
Sorry for whining, but thanks for listening.
Laurie
:(
Posted by annierose on July 23, 2005, at 10:20:23
In reply to I had to cancel my session this morning :(, posted by All Done on July 23, 2005, at 9:10:37
I know that feeling of needing to go, and feeling desperate to find a way to make the appointment happen. Before cancelling, I call friends, neighbors, someone to watch my children or borrow a car ... I understand.
Sorry that you had to cancel. That's crummy. Hopefully the rest of your weekend will go better.
Annierose
Posted by Dinah on July 23, 2005, at 11:12:51
In reply to I had to cancel my session this morning :(, posted by All Done on July 23, 2005, at 9:10:37
I'd be upset too. I've been known to inconvenience everyone including my son to make it to a therapy appt. I pretend it's because I'd have to pay anyway.
I had a flat tire yesterday morning, but fortunately my husband had just left for work and we arranged to have me take his car and get to therapy. Even so I lost therapy time. Had I had to skip altogether, my mood would have been *even* worse than it was.
Would it help to talk about feeling lonely with us?
Posted by Poet on July 23, 2005, at 13:22:42
In reply to I had to cancel my session this morning :(, posted by All Done on July 23, 2005, at 9:10:37
Hi Laurie,
Try to think of this as being a good mom- you put your son first.
Keep posting if it'll help you feel less lonely. You're not alone, here.
Lots of safe cyber hugs ((((All Done))))
Poet
Posted by gardenergirl on July 23, 2005, at 14:47:29
In reply to Re: I had to cancel my session this morning :( » All Done, posted by Poet on July 23, 2005, at 13:22:42
Oh dear, I had to cancel my session Monday morning due to illness, and I hated it. I'm sorry you had to miss yours today. What a total bummer.
Maybe we need to have an Open party?
gg
Posted by fallsfall on July 23, 2005, at 15:34:12
In reply to I had to cancel my session this morning :(, posted by All Done on July 23, 2005, at 9:10:37
I would have made son miss his swim lesson (though I can just see what his face would have looked like...!). Or drive him and dad there and make them wait for me to get back to pick them up. I'm not willing to miss therapy for ANYTHING!
Do you want to tell us about feeling lonely?
Posted by Jen Star on July 23, 2005, at 17:17:13
In reply to I had to cancel my session this morning :(, posted by All Done on July 23, 2005, at 9:10:37
I'm sorry you had to cancel! Here's a thought. In the future, if you can't come in, could you & T do an hour-long private phone call instead of the face:face meeting? I know it's not the same at all, but it might help you get thru until the next session. Would you be interested in that?
sorry you're hurting! You can tell us stuff if you want to. I know I can't help like a T can, but at least I can listen. :)
jenStar
Posted by All Done on July 24, 2005, at 0:15:29
In reply to Re: I had to cancel my session this morning :( » All Done, posted by annierose on July 23, 2005, at 10:20:23
> I know that feeling of needing to go, and feeling desperate to find a way to make the appointment happen. Before cancelling, I call friends, neighbors, someone to watch my children or borrow a car ... I understand.
>
> Sorry that you had to cancel. That's crummy. Hopefully the rest of your weekend will go better.
>
> Annierose
Thanks, Annierose. I know all of you here understand better than anyone. I wish there was something I could have done to make it to my session, but since his office is about an hour and fifteen minutes from my house, it would have been a tough favor to call in of one of my friends :(.Fortunately, he was able to schedule me in for Wednesday evening. (Usually, when I know in advance that I'll have to miss a Saturday, he gives me a Wednesday evening appointment. He must not have that time slot regularly filled.)
I soooo shouldn't be complaining, but I still wanted to see him today.
Sheesh, I've got to stop this pouting.
Laurie
Posted by All Done on July 24, 2005, at 0:42:14
In reply to Re: I had to cancel my session this morning :( » All Done, posted by Dinah on July 23, 2005, at 11:12:51
> I'd be upset too. I've been known to inconvenience everyone including my son to make it to a therapy appt. I pretend it's because I'd have to pay anyway.
>
> I had a flat tire yesterday morning, but fortunately my husband had just left for work and we arranged to have me take his car and get to therapy. Even so I lost therapy time. Had I had to skip altogether, my mood would have been *even* worse than it was.
>
> Would it help to talk about feeling lonely with us?Well, I guess I figure I already inconvenience N enough with my therapy. When my husband couldn't start his car, he came in the house and told me they weren't going to be able to go to swim class. I was the one who told him to take my car. Later, too, he told me he was sorry I had to miss my session. I think he gets it a little.
Hmm, I think I'm going to have to ask my T about any charges for missing sessions. I've never had to cancel at the last minute before. I have rescheduled a few days before, though. He's never mentioned me paying for a missed session.
Sorry about your flat tire. I'm glad you didn't have to miss your session, but it still stinks that you lost any time.
I guess I'm a little resistant to talk about feeling lonely here, because I think part of what I do and feel affects some of my relationships here, too. That said, I know you guys would probably have good insight for me.
Mostly this line of thinking stemmed from the fact that I haven't heard from a lot of my face to face friends lately. I know everyone is busy over the summer, but I still got to thinking about it.
I wonder if I tend to overwhelm my friends. Or, if I'm not overwhelming them, I worry about overwhelming them. I think sometimes I'm just too much for them and I don't ever want to bug anyone with my stuff. So, I try really hard not to talk about myself "too much" (whatever that is) and I try not to ask for much. I think I do this with my husband, my T, and probably some of you guys, as well.
Since I work so hard at not imposing on others, sometimes I have little contact with my friends. Or...maybe not the contact I really need or want. Maybe when I don't call them it's kind of an out of [sight], out of mind thing or something. Or, maybe they can't read my mind - can you believe that?? I end up feeling lonely and kind of like they don't care much or even like me sometimes.
I don't know. It's all a bit confusing to me because I also catch myself feeling like I'm "not enough" for these same people - not friendly/smart/funny/pretty (take your pick) enough.
To quote my T about something else we talked about last week...I don't think I can have it both ways.
Glad you asked? ;)
Posted by All Done on July 24, 2005, at 0:46:38
In reply to Re: I had to cancel my session this morning :( » All Done, posted by Poet on July 23, 2005, at 13:22:42
> Hi Laurie,
>
> Try to think of this as being a good mom- you put your son first.
>
> Keep posting if it'll help you feel less lonely. You're not alone, here.
>
> Lots of safe cyber hugs ((((All Done))))
>
> PoetThanks, Poet. You're so kind.
I wish I would have been able to hang around and keep posting, but I had the towing guy to deal with and the rest of my day was scheduled with a million other things. You'd think I wouldn't have had time to worry about missing today, but I did anyway. And I was wishing I could be "talking" to Babblers most of the day.
Thanks for the hugs :).
Laurie
Posted by All Done on July 24, 2005, at 0:53:00
In reply to Re: I had to cancel my session this morning :(, posted by gardenergirl on July 23, 2005, at 14:47:29
> Oh dear, I had to cancel my session Monday morning due to illness, and I hated it. I'm sorry you had to miss yours today. What a total bummer.
>
> Maybe we need to have an Open party?
>
> ggWhat a s*cky thing to have in common this week :(. Sorry you weren't feeling well. Are you better?
I so wish I was able to be around more than I was today. An Open party would have been just what the doctor ordered.
Laurie
Posted by All Done on July 24, 2005, at 1:00:10
In reply to Re: I had to cancel my session this morning :( » All Done, posted by fallsfall on July 23, 2005, at 15:34:12
>> I would have made son miss his swim lesson (though I can just see what his face would have looked like...!). Or drive him and dad there and make them wait for me to get back to pick them up. I'm not willing to miss therapy for ANYTHING!
>
> Do you want to tell us about feeling lonely?falls,
Oh my, I think N might have cried. He just loves his swim class with Daddy each Saturday. It really is a nice time for them.
If my T wasn't a billion miles away and I wasn't still in my pajamas when we realized the car wasn't working, I would have done what you suggested. But, as it was, they would have had to hang out at the gym for about four hours and Beefcake would have had to endure my unshowered, unmakeuped, and unsupported self. (Not my best look.)
Laurie
P.S. I wrote about feeling lonely in my reply to Dinah.
Posted by All Done on July 24, 2005, at 1:10:21
In reply to Re: I had to cancel my session this morning :( » All Done, posted by Jen Star on July 23, 2005, at 17:17:13
> I'm sorry you had to cancel! Here's a thought. In the future, if you can't come in, could you & T do an hour-long private phone call instead of the face:face meeting? I know it's not the same at all, but it might help you get thru until the next session. Would you be interested in that?
>
> sorry you're hurting! You can tell us stuff if you want to. I know I can't help like a T can, but at least I can listen. :)
>
> jenStarjenStar,
I've done a couple of phone sessions with my T in the past. It was in the pretty early stages of my therapy and for some reason, I think I would find it pretty difficult to do now. I guess over time, I've put a lot of stock in body language, mannerisms, etc. It wouldn't feel as valuable as a face to face session for me.
Plus, I've discovered that he isn't at his best on the phone. I'm not (with him, at least) either. And neither of us know how to end a conversation properly. It's all pretty awkward for us to talk on the phone.
I'll let you in on a little secret. Even if you guys don't help in the exact same way as my T does, sometimes you help as much or more. That's why I posted. :)
Thanks for listening!
Laurie
Posted by Dinah on July 24, 2005, at 7:16:58
In reply to Re: I had to cancel my session this morning :( » Dinah, posted by All Done on July 24, 2005, at 0:42:14
I'm glad you wrote this, because I was thinking of pinkeye's post about tamar and jenstar never asking for anything. I can't find it now, even though I looked for it to add that you never do either, and so I always jump in to try to say something on those occasions when any of you do, even if I don't have anything useful to say, because I feel in so much support debt. :)
> I guess I'm a little resistant to talk about feeling lonely here, because I think part of what I do and feel affects some of my relationships here, too.
Yeah, it might affect the relationship. But one way it might affect the relationships is to make them deeper and more intimate, since reciprocal disclosure tends to do that.
>
> Mostly this line of thinking stemmed from the fact that I haven't heard from a lot of my face to face friends lately. I know everyone is busy over the summer, but I still got to thinking about it.
>
> I wonder if I tend to overwhelm my friends. Or, if I'm not overwhelming them, I worry about overwhelming them. I think sometimes I'm just too much for them and I don't ever want to bug anyone with my stuff. So, I try really hard not to talk about myself "too much" (whatever that is) and I try not to ask for much. I think I do this with my husband, my T, and probably some of you guys, as well.This doesn't come as a huge surprise to me (that you try not to talk about yourself too much). I understand the feeling that you are too much. I have never noticed you being too much for anyone ever. But I've had the feeling that I'm a bottomless pit of need, and I worry that I'm too much for my therapist. And I worry about inflicting myself on others. So I do understand the feelings.
But...
You aren't very likely to overwhelm anyone because you're too aware of the possibility.
And...
Sharing yourself with others is not an imposition, it's a gift. By sharing yourself with others you're giving them the gift of honesty and intimacy. And you're also giving them the gift of a chance to help. The only thing you need to remember about that is that offers to help are like any other gift. They may or may not be exactly what you were looking for, but the effort is always appreciated. (Which I'm sure you know anyway. Just musing.)
>
> Since I work so hard at not imposing on others, sometimes I have little contact with my friends. Or...maybe not the contact I really need or want. Maybe when I don't call them it's kind of an out of [sight], out of mind thing or something. Or, maybe they can't read my mind - can you believe that?? I end up feeling lonely and kind of like they don't care much or even like me sometimes.Most likely life just got in their way. And that dratted lack of mind reading ability. But maybe you're working so hard at not imposing on your friends that you're limiting the amount of intimacy you develop in your relationships. I'm guilty of this myself in IRL relationships.
>
> I don't know. It's all a bit confusing to me because I also catch myself feeling like I'm "not enough" for these same people - not friendly/smart/funny/pretty (take your pick) enough.You're enough for anyone, All Done. Anyone should be honored to be your friend. You're friendly, compassionate, smart, with a good sense of humor, and lovely features. And a good grooming *I'll* never master.
>
> To quote my T about something else we talked about last week...I don't think I can have it both ways.
>
> Glad you asked? ;)Yeah, I am. And by the by, I'm always glad to hear from you, and I'll make a bigger effort to make contact myself.
I'm honored that you would share yourself with me, with us.
Posted by All Done on July 24, 2005, at 10:04:49
In reply to Re: I had to cancel my session this morning :( » All Done, posted by Dinah on July 24, 2005, at 7:16:58
Oh my, Dinah. I think a lot of what I said I probably shouldn't have applied to Babble, too.
The last thing I wanted to do was suggest that I don't ask for or get enough support here. I also don't want anyone to think they ask for too much. I'm actually pretty comfortable with the amount of support I ask for here. (I wish I could give a little more sometimes, but that's another story.)
I think (and forgive me if this doesn't come out right) I'm talking more about the deepening of relationships that you mentioned. Most of my friendships (and I'm really talking more about face to face) are pretty superficial. The one friend I had that was the closest to me hasn't been around as much as she used to be and I'm really missing her right now.
I actually have been talking about some of this in therapy, but I guess I didn't really connect it to my lonliness. I've been missing the intellectual stimulation I got with this one particular friend. Now, when I do talk with my other friends, I'm realizing that it's mostly about day to day activities or in a lot of cases, because they are stay at home moms, it's more about pretty basic child rearing activities. It doesn't even get into the "good stuff" like *why* is my three-year old suffering from separation anxiety now when he was fine a month ago or *why* does he go on the potty at daycare but not at home. (I know...some of you are saying, "*that's* the good stuff?" :P)
I'm feeling like I have many acquaintances but few real friends. So, I appreciate what you said about sharing myself with others. Maybe I should just try a little at a time to open up with some of them. It's just so hard for me to think of that sharing as a gift and not just me being a royal pain in the *ss.
You are very sweet to say I'm enough for anyone. I admire you, Dinah, and that means a lot to me coming from you. I'm working really hard on believing I'm good enough. You think it will come when I believe I'm good enough for myself? Sigh.
I'm always glad to hear from you, too. No matter what it's about. I think maybe a lot of us need to be reminded from time to time that this *is* a place for support. It's okay to both give and get it and I don't know anyone who's keeping score. Although, I do owe you big time for keeping me here in the first place. You were the first off-board contact I had and I think that makes this all so much more "real".
Thanks, (((Dinah))).
Posted by fallsfall on July 24, 2005, at 11:34:56
In reply to Re: Oops » Dinah, posted by All Done on July 24, 2005, at 10:04:49
> Oh my, Dinah. I think a lot of what I said I probably shouldn't have applied to Babble, too.
>
> The last thing I wanted to do was suggest that I don't ask for or get enough support here. I also don't want anyone to think they ask for too much. I'm actually pretty comfortable with the amount of support I ask for here. (I wish I could give a little more sometimes, but that's another story.)*** AllDone, this sounds like backpedaling to me. When I read your first response to Dinah, I "heard" that there are times when you want more support from us, but you don't feel comfortable asking for it. You and 90% of the other people at Babble. I certainly didn't "hear" that you were complaining that we weren't supportive. You don't think that you are "worthy" of our support, so you don't want to ask for it. But I vehemently disagree with that.
***I have never seen you be even close to "too much". You know, Daisy worries about this all the time. Can you recognize that her worries are blown out of proportion? Can you see that perhaps yours are in the same direction?
>
> I think (and forgive me if this doesn't come out right) I'm talking more about the deepening of relationships that you mentioned. Most of my friendships (and I'm really talking more about face to face) are pretty superficial. The one friend I had that was the closest to me hasn't been around as much as she used to be and I'm really missing her right now.*** Call her and tell her that you miss her. Invite her to come over for lunch or a dessert swim or something. Or just chat on the phone with her. Do you send email with her? I find that email is the easiest when people are busy, because you and they don't have to be talking at the same time - they can respond to your email at their convenience.
>
> I actually have been talking about some of this in therapy, but I guess I didn't really connect it to my lonliness. I've been missing the intellectual stimulation I got with this one particular friend. Now, when I do talk with my other friends, I'm realizing that it's mostly about day to day activities or in a lot of cases, because they are stay at home moms, it's more about pretty basic child rearing activities. It doesn't even get into the "good stuff" like *why* is my three-year old suffering from separation anxiety now when he was fine a month ago or *why* does he go on the potty at daycare but not at home. (I know...some of you are saying, "*that's* the good stuff?" :P)*** Have you tried deepening the relationship with your Moms-with-kids friends? You might find that they are starved for the same thing you are.
>
> I'm feeling like I have many acquaintances but few real friends. So, I appreciate what you said about sharing myself with others. Maybe I should just try a little at a time to open up with some of them. It's just so hard for me to think of that sharing as a gift and not just me being a royal pain in the *ss.
>
*** Well, all I can say is that I had a great time at the zoo...> You are very sweet to say I'm enough for anyone. I admire you, Dinah, and that means a lot to me coming from you. I'm working really hard on believing I'm good enough. You think it will come when I believe I'm good enough for myself? Sigh.
>
*** I second Dinah's opinion that you are good enough for anyone.> I'm always glad to hear from you, too. No matter what it's about. I think maybe a lot of us need to be reminded from time to time that this *is* a place for support. It's okay to both give and get it and I don't know anyone who's keeping score. Although, I do owe you big time for keeping me here in the first place. You were the first off-board contact I had and I think that makes this all so much more "real".
>
> Thanks, (((Dinah))).
>
>
*** I'm so glad you are here on this board, AllDone. I'm looking forward to seeing more of who you are.Falls.
Posted by gardenergirl on July 24, 2005, at 12:48:35
In reply to Re: I had to cancel my session this morning :( » Dinah, posted by All Done on July 24, 2005, at 0:42:14
>
> Mostly this line of thinking stemmed from the fact that I haven't heard from a lot of my face to face friends lately. I know everyone is busy over the summer, but I still got to thinking about it.
>
> I wonder if I tend to overwhelm my friends. Or, if I'm not overwhelming them, I worry about overwhelming them. I think sometimes I'm just too much for them and I don't ever want to bug anyone with my stuff. So, I try really hard not to talk about myself "too much" (whatever that is) and I try not to ask for much. I think I do this with my husband, my T, and probably some of you guys, as well.
>
> Since I work so hard at not imposing on others, sometimes I have little contact with my friends. Or...maybe not the contact I really need or want. Maybe when I don't call them it's kind of an out of [sight], out of mind thing or something. Or, maybe they can't read my mind - can you believe that?? I end up feeling lonely and kind of like they don't care much or even like me sometimes.
>
> I don't know. It's all a bit confusing to me because I also catch myself feeling like I'm "not enough" for these same people - not friendly/smart/funny/pretty (take your pick) enough.
>
> To quote my T about something else we talked about last week...I don't think I can have it both ways.
>
> Glad you asked? ;)Oh my gosh, I understand this really really well. I'm right there with you, and it stinks, it really does. In my case, I think it has as much to do with anxiety as anything else...you know...not taking the risks needed to sustain a friendship out of fear of rejection?
Grrrrr. It really stinks.
Talk to you soon,
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on July 24, 2005, at 12:54:54
In reply to Re: Oops » All Done, posted by fallsfall on July 24, 2005, at 11:34:56
> *** Well, all I can say is that I had a great time at the zoo...
To add to this, lunch was a day I will always treasure, even if it took so much for us to finally get together. It was definitely worth it!
gg
>
Posted by Dinah on July 24, 2005, at 18:48:38
In reply to Re: Oops » Dinah, posted by All Done on July 24, 2005, at 10:04:49
It was I who applied it to Babble as well. But I think I'll stand by that. (warm smile)
Don't think I don't remember all those times in Open where you give support and don't ask for any, even when I know you could probably use some.
I'm not saying it's a bad thing, either way. I have a very very very dear Babble friend who took close to a year before mentioning that anything might possibly be less than perfect with her. :) I love her dearly. And I have friends I love dearly who are more comfortable asking for help.
I think I'm just channeling my therapist a lot lately. He always tells me that to get the rewards of intimacy I enjoy with him, I have to take the risks of intimacy I take with him. In the rest of my life. I never know whether he's on or off base. I did take a risk that paid off once. But in general I'm rather cautious about taking risks IRL.
P.S. I'm glad our offline contact helped you feel at home in Babble. I know you helped me so much when I've had troubles. It's nice to know that I can help you as well.
Posted by All Done on July 26, 2005, at 0:46:08
In reply to Re: Oops » All Done, posted by fallsfall on July 24, 2005, at 11:34:56
*** AllDone, this sounds like backpedaling to me. When I read your first response to Dinah, I "heard" that there are times when you want more support from us, but you don't feel comfortable asking for it. You and 90% of the other people at Babble. I certainly didn't "hear" that you were complaining that we weren't supportive. You don't think that you are "worthy" of our support, so you don't want to ask for it. But I vehemently disagree with that.
Well...maybe there was some backpeddling, but I like to think of it as working through my thoughts with you guys. I will say, there are times I get nervous about asking for support here, but in the big scheme of the thing that is my life, I ask for more support here than anywhere else.
As for feeling "worthy", all I can say is that's a tough one for me.
***I have never seen you be even close to "too much". You know, Daisy worries about this all the time. Can you recognize that her worries are blown out of proportion? Can you see that perhaps yours are in the same direction?I do see that my worries are blown out of proportion. Sometimes (or even most of the time) I recognize it when I'm in the middle of the worry. I just don't know what to do about it.
*** Call her and tell her that you miss her. Invite her to come over for lunch or a dessert swim or something. Or just chat on the phone with her. Do you send email with her? I find that email is the easiest when people are busy, because you and they don't have to be talking at the same time - they can respond to your email at their convenience.
Now you sound like my T. Last week, he started to tell me I should talk to her about missing her and he stopped himself midstream and made a comment like, "oh wait, you wouldn't *actually* want to *talk* to her about what's bothering you."
I said, "please don't be sarcastic or say anything that might lead me to feel accused or put down." Or maybe I just laughed and rolled my eyes at him. :-P
*** Have you tried deepening the relationship with your Moms-with-kids friends? You might find that they are starved for the same thing you are.I have tried with one of my neighbors and I will continue to try. Sometimes I think the fact that I work full-time puts a bit of a barrier in the relationship (for both of us). But like I said, I'll continue to try - with her and others.
*** Well, all I can say is that I had a great time at the zoo...
I did, too, falls. I wish I lived closer to you and lots of other Babblers.
*** I second Dinah's opinion that you are good enough for anyone.
Thank you :).
*** I'm so glad you are here on this board, AllDone. I'm looking forward to seeing more of who you are.Thanks for being here with me, falls!
Posted by All Done on July 26, 2005, at 1:01:21
In reply to Re: I had to cancel my session this morning :( » All Done, posted by gardenergirl on July 24, 2005, at 12:48:35
> Oh my gosh, I understand this really really well. I'm right there with you, and it stinks, it really does. In my case, I think it has as much to do with anxiety as anything else...you know...not taking the risks needed to sustain a friendship out of fear of rejection?
>
> Grrrrr. It really stinks.
>
> Talk to you soon,
> ggThe fear of rejection does feel pretty lousy. And when does it ever go away? Even when I've experienced the reward of a good friendship outweighing the risk of rejection tenfold, I still get nervous.
Grrr is right :-(.
Hugs,
Laurie
Posted by All Done on July 26, 2005, at 1:14:52
In reply to Re: Oops, posted by gardenergirl on July 24, 2005, at 12:54:54
> To add to this, lunch was a day I will always treasure, even if it took so much for us to finally get together. It was definitely worth it!
>
> gg
I couldn't agree more :)!
Posted by All Done on July 26, 2005, at 1:53:14
In reply to No Oops » All Done, posted by Dinah on July 24, 2005, at 18:48:38
I'm pretty sure your T is right about taking risks IRL, but I understand why you are cautious about taking those risks. I spent the first 13 years or so of my life not saying much to anyone because of that caution. Anyway, even with the risks I take in therapy and with my T, I guess there's always part of me that's saying that he can't ever completely reject me. I'm paying him. Oh well.
I do appreciate all your kind words, Dinah. And sometimes just knowing that I'm not alone is invaluable. Thanks :).
Posted by daisym on July 28, 2005, at 0:17:11
In reply to Re: No Oops » Dinah, posted by All Done on July 26, 2005, at 1:53:14
I've read through this thread twice now and I keep nodding my head (can't you see me?) because you are writing my answers to their questions. It is very hard to see that you are holding yourself back, that you wish, wish, wish you could be comfortable with soaking in support, yet it terrifies you in some unnameable way.
For me it is simply the fact that i've set up my life to care-take everyone. So while they don't mean to not notice that I'm sort of slipping away, they just don't. Because I'm still there for them when they do see me. I'm absolutely sure that should I ever elect to open up all the way with a friend, they will drown in my stuff. I will wipe them out. It is easier to hold it, as lonely as that feels, than to risk letting it out.
Problem is that we really are lonely. And we really do want to connect with people. No one keeps score here of give or take, but sometimes we worry that they are. It is so much easier here for me, I'd never be this needy IRL. Never,ever.
I think you can have it both ways. You just have to make up your mind that you deserve it.
You really do, trust me, I know these things.
Hugs to you,
Daisy
Posted by All Done on July 31, 2005, at 11:26:26
In reply to Re: No Oops » All Done, posted by daisym on July 28, 2005, at 0:17:11
> I've read through this thread twice now and I keep nodding my head (can't you see me?) because you are writing my answers to their questions. It is very hard to see that you are holding yourself back, that you wish, wish, wish you could be comfortable with soaking in support, yet it terrifies you in some unnameable way.
Exactly, Daisy. Sometimes I don't even feel terrified about it. I just can't accept the support, but I have no idea why.
> For me it is simply the fact that i've set up my life to care-take everyone. So while they don't mean to not notice that I'm sort of slipping away, they just don't. Because I'm still there for them when they do see me. I'm absolutely sure that should I ever elect to open up all the way with a friend, they will drown in my stuff. I will wipe them out. It is easier to hold it, as lonely as that feels, than to risk letting it out.I know what you're feeling. I feel like it's my job to take care of everyone else, too. Sometimes I wonder how I think others will "drown in my stuff" when I never drown in their's, though. But that doesn't stop me from keeping everything in.
I constantly tell my T that I wish I was surrounded by a bunch of mind readers. My family, friends, and husband (oh and my T, too, of course). They, obviously, don't have that power, so when I expect something and don't get it, I suspect that might feel overwhelming to them. How on earth are they supposed to know what I want or need, if I never tell them? Then again, I don't always fess up that I wanted or needed something. I guess I'm just predicting the worst.
> Problem is that we really are lonely. And we really do want to connect with people. No one keeps score here of give or take, but sometimes we worry that they are. It is so much easier here for me, I'd never be this needy IRL. Never,ever.It's easier here for me, too. I guess I feel like everyone knows and accepts that we all need support at times. And I've also noticed that it's more accepted here for more than one person to need support at a time.
> I think you can have it both ways. You just have to make up your mind that you deserve it.
>
> You really do, trust me, I know these things.I just haven't gotten there, yet :(.
I haven't had much time to read posts lately...I really hope you're okay.Take care, ((((Daisy)))).
Laurie
This is the end of the thread.
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