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Re: I had to cancel my session this morning :( » All Done

Posted by Dinah on July 24, 2005, at 7:16:58

In reply to Re: I had to cancel my session this morning :( » Dinah, posted by All Done on July 24, 2005, at 0:42:14

I'm glad you wrote this, because I was thinking of pinkeye's post about tamar and jenstar never asking for anything. I can't find it now, even though I looked for it to add that you never do either, and so I always jump in to try to say something on those occasions when any of you do, even if I don't have anything useful to say, because I feel in so much support debt. :)

> I guess I'm a little resistant to talk about feeling lonely here, because I think part of what I do and feel affects some of my relationships here, too.

Yeah, it might affect the relationship. But one way it might affect the relationships is to make them deeper and more intimate, since reciprocal disclosure tends to do that.
>
> Mostly this line of thinking stemmed from the fact that I haven't heard from a lot of my face to face friends lately. I know everyone is busy over the summer, but I still got to thinking about it.
>
> I wonder if I tend to overwhelm my friends. Or, if I'm not overwhelming them, I worry about overwhelming them. I think sometimes I'm just too much for them and I don't ever want to bug anyone with my stuff. So, I try really hard not to talk about myself "too much" (whatever that is) and I try not to ask for much. I think I do this with my husband, my T, and probably some of you guys, as well.

This doesn't come as a huge surprise to me (that you try not to talk about yourself too much). I understand the feeling that you are too much. I have never noticed you being too much for anyone ever. But I've had the feeling that I'm a bottomless pit of need, and I worry that I'm too much for my therapist. And I worry about inflicting myself on others. So I do understand the feelings.

But...

You aren't very likely to overwhelm anyone because you're too aware of the possibility.

And...

Sharing yourself with others is not an imposition, it's a gift. By sharing yourself with others you're giving them the gift of honesty and intimacy. And you're also giving them the gift of a chance to help. The only thing you need to remember about that is that offers to help are like any other gift. They may or may not be exactly what you were looking for, but the effort is always appreciated. (Which I'm sure you know anyway. Just musing.)
>
> Since I work so hard at not imposing on others, sometimes I have little contact with my friends. Or...maybe not the contact I really need or want. Maybe when I don't call them it's kind of an out of [sight], out of mind thing or something. Or, maybe they can't read my mind - can you believe that?? I end up feeling lonely and kind of like they don't care much or even like me sometimes.

Most likely life just got in their way. And that dratted lack of mind reading ability. But maybe you're working so hard at not imposing on your friends that you're limiting the amount of intimacy you develop in your relationships. I'm guilty of this myself in IRL relationships.

>
> I don't know. It's all a bit confusing to me because I also catch myself feeling like I'm "not enough" for these same people - not friendly/smart/funny/pretty (take your pick) enough.

You're enough for anyone, All Done. Anyone should be honored to be your friend. You're friendly, compassionate, smart, with a good sense of humor, and lovely features. And a good grooming *I'll* never master.
>
> To quote my T about something else we talked about last week...I don't think I can have it both ways.
>
> Glad you asked? ;)

Yeah, I am. And by the by, I'm always glad to hear from you, and I'll make a bigger effort to make contact myself.

I'm honored that you would share yourself with me, with us.

 

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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:Dinah thread:532059
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050716/msgs/532608.html