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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by KB on May 28, 2002, at 5:55:43
Last night, over sushi, my boyfriend of 9 months dumped me. He says he met someone new and even though he loves me he doesn't think marrying me would work out - wants someone more "conventional", he says. I'm especially hurt because he's doing for this new woman something he would never do for me - be monogamous - he was seeing another woman for most of our relationship.
I know he's a selfish jerk, but I"m still really upset -last night I cried for hours and then got drunk (I don't drink). If I had had anything worth overdosing on I probably would have.
Posted by Phil on May 28, 2002, at 7:11:33
In reply to Dumped and Depressed, posted by KB on May 28, 2002, at 5:55:43
He did you a favor by at least telling you. Believe me, he could have married you and screwed around for 20 years..it happens. It's hard right now but who would want a jerk like that? You think he'll stay monogamous, hehehe. No f'ing way.
Never put the 2 before the 1. Being suicidal over a relationship tells me one thing: it wasn't ever healthy to begin with.
I've been reading a book, Don't Call It Love, about sexual addiction. Probably not your case but it is a great book for anyone.
Their is a 'pool' of people in this world that attract each other and both are very unhealthy. I am attracted, unconsciously, to women that screw around, lie. The worse they treat me, it seems the more I want them. It is a sick dance.
Grieve it, get over it, don't spend too much time alone, and 'most of all'..thank God you aren't the other woman.
He disrespected you and treated you like dirt. Once the hurt wears off, you'll realize the son of a b*tch was never in your league.I'm almost 49, single all my life, and I am qualified to speak about this.
Let him go. Don't call him, no matter what! If he calls for any reason, say you have plans and can't talk. It's hard to do, I know, but don't put another person in control of your life.
Work on yourself and you will find someone who loves and respects you for who you are. If they don't, it won't effect you because you take care of yourself and know you're worth more than that.
When you're in the thick of it, it's hard to hear these words, and you deserve to grieve. But keep it in perspective and remember..he cheated on you.
He will continue to cheat on her. If you ignore him(smart), he'll try to see you for 'fun' while he's with this woman. At least, that's the common modus operandi(sp).
KB, believe it or not, you are THE good one AND the lucky one, f*ck him and the horse he rode in on!GRRRRRR, I hate bottom-feeders,
Phil
Posted by wendy b. on May 28, 2002, at 8:31:59
In reply to Dumped and Depressed, posted by KB on May 28, 2002, at 5:55:43
KB:
At least he bought you sushi! (Kidding...)
I think Phil has a lot of wisdom to share, based as he says, on experience. He is right about everything. If the guy is messing around on you, and you permit that, then he has the upper hand, and you can't let that go on into the future as a couple that has supposedly broken up. You are going to need a lot of strength to let him go, because he WILL call you to f___ around while he's with the new woman. I guarantee it. And what are you going to say? When it happened to me, I slept with my sort-of-ex because I told myself I still loved him, and I thought his wanting sex meant he still loved me, too. I was very wrong. In fact, the reverse was true, he never loved me. If he had, he wouldn't have treated me that way... Same would hold true for your guy.
It will take a while for the sting and the hurt to go away, and I'm sorry for you for that. Please write to us again, as often as you want. If you need my e-mail, I can send it...
Take care of yourself,
Wendy
> Last night, over sushi, my boyfriend of 9 months dumped me. He says he met someone new and even though he loves me he doesn't think marrying me would work out - wants someone more "conventional", he says. I'm especially hurt because he's doing for this new woman something he would never do for me - be monogamous - he was seeing another woman for most of our relationship.
>
> I know he's a selfish jerk, but I"m still really upset -last night I cried for hours and then got drunk (I don't drink). If I had had anything worth overdosing on I probably would have.
Posted by Bookgurl99 on May 28, 2002, at 9:31:17
In reply to Dumped and Depressed, posted by KB on May 28, 2002, at 5:55:43
Janeane Garofalo, the comedian, talked about going through a breakup in her HBO comedy special. She said she kept checking her voicemail in the hope he'd called -- and kept getting that shrill woman's voice "you have no new messages." She said, "So I hired Wilford Brimley to say 'If he can't see how special you are, he ought to have his head examined!'
I am really sorry. I know the pain of going through a breakup with someone you love can be terrible.
I know it's hard to do, but try not to take this as a statement of how much you're worth. Someday you may find someone who does not want a girl that is 'more conventional.' You want wonderful instead, no?
Posted by Fi on May 28, 2002, at 10:51:14
In reply to Dumped and Depressed, posted by KB on May 28, 2002, at 5:55:43
Of course you're upset, and have every right to be! Everyone gets upset when they're dumped.
Well done for *not* ODing last night. You'll need some time to get over this *******- its only natural. Take care of yourself meantime.
Fi
Posted by Roo on May 28, 2002, at 12:04:11
In reply to Re: Dumped and Depressed, posted by Fi on May 28, 2002, at 10:51:14
I'm right there with you, sister. Thanks for posting
about it, reading the responses really cheered me
up. I got dumped this weekend. It hurts, but the
worse part is the demons in my head saying shit like
"it's all your fault...if you were more mentally healthy
everything would have worked out", "You'll never have a
healthy relationship" blah, blah, blah...so I'm trying
to just ignore those voices and keep busy...I call up
friends and ask them to tell me something nice about
myself. I tell myself any voice in my head that speaks
to me in a way that is not kind, loving and compassionate
is not a voice I need to believe....Take Care...we'll get through this...
Posted by IsoM on May 28, 2002, at 13:07:13
In reply to Dumped and Depressed, posted by KB on May 28, 2002, at 5:55:43
As they both said, he'll try to come back to you, off & on, to mess about. When you say no to him, he'll be surprised. You always wanted him before, he'll think. It's about his ego. If you reject him, he'll redouble his efforts to get you back to prove his ego & attractiveness is still good.
It's NOT love that will make him redouble his efforts & PLEASE don't fall for any ploys of his - no matter how seemingly sincere. He is a bottom-feeder. Look how he treated you before - think of that.
Posted by Kar on May 28, 2002, at 16:49:10
In reply to Dumped and Depressed, posted by KB on May 28, 2002, at 5:55:43
KB- when I found out (from the other woman, mind you) that my boyfriend of 5 years had been cheating for the past year and a half, one of the things I discovered is how many people this has happened to! It seemed that everyone I told had their own "story"...Did you just find out about the other woman or had you already known? And did he know you knew? Whatever the answers are, what everone has said is so true. I continued to talk to this guy even after I found out; hell, I saw him many times. And it took me a long time to get him out of my system. It's hard to hear what everyone is telling you now, which is "Stay away from him!" but it's the best advice. it's good that you are mad and not all ready to forgive because that's healthy...
I guess what I learned was that it really does take time- no matter what an a** someone is to you, you don't stop loving them right away. You're better than he is (this is the kind of thing that I heard after it happened to me and I knew I should believe it but didn't feel it). And you most assuredly will find someone who values you!
Don't be hurt because of what he's doing for the other woman...because it's gonna happen to her too!
All the best...it does get better,
Kar
Posted by KB on May 29, 2002, at 8:34:44
In reply to Re: Dumped and Depressed » KB, posted by Kar on May 28, 2002, at 16:49:10
Thank you all for your responses. I cried all day yesterday at work, but at least managed to sleep last night. We'll see how today goes.
Kar, I did know about the other woman because I noticed that there were certain nights when I couldn't find him - and this is someone who takes his cell phone everywhere and when I'd ask him where he was, he'd say he was with a nameless, genderless friend. Then one day I locked myself out and needed him to let me into my house - when I told him, there was a long pause, and then he wound up explaining that he couldn't come because he was at her house!!! Then, the next day, he insisted he wasn't lying about it because he would have told me if I'd asked!!!
Posted by Kar on May 29, 2002, at 18:33:47
In reply to Re: Dumped and Depressed, posted by KB on May 29, 2002, at 8:34:44
KB- so sorry you're having such a crappy time of it. I'm trying to remember the things that people told me when it happened to me- what helped me...
>he insisted he wasn't lying about it because he would have told me if I'd asked!!!
Oh...my ...God...!!!! Who would say that kind of thing?!!? And blaming you?!? Argh. It's hard to tell from your posts whether you discussed this with him, whether he shrugged it off/said he'd stop, whatever. I guess it doesn't matter. Just know that there are many out here who've been through it. I couldn't even get to work after I found out!
It will get easier and you will feel better and you will be happier when you find out what it SHOULD have been like with him. That's how it worked with me. I realized that I was always working really hard at the relationship and he didn't. I found out that I was very (oh I hate this word but it fit at the time-) codependent.
Someday, I promise...you will want to thank him because what he did will have led you to a much better life!
You might want to consider too, exactly why you're upset. I know this sounds dumb. But it doesn't sound as if you are outraged by what he has done to you...you are upset that you lost what you had (or thought you had)? If you don't realize that you are much more valuable than he has treated you, listen to us when we tell you that you are. And it's ok to feel hurt and to miss him even despite what he's done. It may not register until later.
Stay in touch. It'll take a while but you'll feel better and stronger soon...
Kar
Posted by shrimp on October 20, 2003, at 22:58:30
In reply to Re: Dumped and Depressed » KB, posted by Phil on May 28, 2002, at 7:11:33
I just went through a horrible situation. My boyfriend of 5 years, who i have been friends with since i was 20, had been having horrible problems because of my depression. Then finally, my depression cleared, and we were finally happy, he was talking about marriage, telling me how much he loved me. I was on vacation, and he called me and told me that since i was gone, he was happier without me in his life. I was so shocked, i got shingles. Then I found out he was dating while i was gone, and then wound up sleeping with this woman and seeing her consistently. Since then i have been sick, every bodily function is wrong and painful. And i have the additional anxiety of knowing what rejection can do to atypicals. Last year he cheated, and i sank into a suicidal depression for 8 mos. he told me about it, and then ignored me, wouldn't accept my phone calls or emails. for 8 months. I went down to 94 lbs., and my hair started falling out. Now, i am afraid that i am going back in, and i don't know how to prevent it. I have a severe atypical depression, and i am on nardil. my pdoc told me not to increase it yet, but i can feel it returning, the spaciness, lack of pleasure etc. I thought we would have a family, and i just turned 31, i can't imagine someone else ever loving me again. So what do i do, should i just up the nardil on my own? any advice, he was my whole world, i don't have anyone else, and i am moving to nyc at all. i just have this piercing lonliness that physically hurts.
> He did you a favor by at least telling you. Believe me, he could have married you and screwed around for 20 years..it happens. It's hard right now but who would want a jerk like that? You think he'll stay monogamous, hehehe. No f'ing way.
> Never put the 2 before the 1. Being suicidal over a relationship tells me one thing: it wasn't ever healthy to begin with.
> I've been reading a book, Don't Call It Love, about sexual addiction. Probably not your case but it is a great book for anyone.
> Their is a 'pool' of people in this world that attract each other and both are very unhealthy. I am attracted, unconsciously, to women that screw around, lie. The worse they treat me, it seems the more I want them. It is a sick dance.
> Grieve it, get over it, don't spend too much time alone, and 'most of all'..thank God you aren't the other woman.
> He disrespected you and treated you like dirt. Once the hurt wears off, you'll realize the son of a b*tch was never in your league.
>
> I'm almost 49, single all my life, and I am qualified to speak about this.
> Let him go. Don't call him, no matter what! If he calls for any reason, say you have plans and can't talk. It's hard to do, I know, but don't put another person in control of your life.
> Work on yourself and you will find someone who loves and respects you for who you are. If they don't, it won't effect you because you take care of yourself and know you're worth more than that.
> When you're in the thick of it, it's hard to hear these words, and you deserve to grieve. But keep it in perspective and remember..he cheated on you.
> He will continue to cheat on her. If you ignore him(smart), he'll try to see you for 'fun' while he's with this woman. At least, that's the common modus operandi(sp).
> KB, believe it or not, you are THE good one AND the lucky one, f*ck him and the horse he rode in on!
>
> GRRRRRR, I hate bottom-feeders,
>
> Phil
>
Posted by shrimp on October 20, 2003, at 23:14:28
In reply to Re: Do everything Phil says... » KB, posted by wendy b. on May 28, 2002, at 8:31:59
Wendy,
I just read the email you sent KB, i have been in a horrific situation, it's in my prior posting, for 4 years, and it is coming to an awful head, i have kept going back and back because a little love was better than none, even among all the hurt and pain. But i feel like the pain is never going to go away, i thought he loved me i really did, i finally felt like i had some sort of safety and security for the first time in my life, i had been sexually abused and had some really bad relationships in my early twenties. this guy was the first one that was nice to me, and i keep clinging. i don't have any support, he was my best friend and my lover, do you mind if i email you, he is making me feel crazy, and i can feel the depression coming back, which makes it all worse, i can't go back to where i was the last time he hurt me. i don't have a healthy reference point, he makes me feel like a horrible person, and now i want a family so badly, but i am afraid i will never have one now. how can i go into a relationship as a normal woman when i have been so damaged from this one? And the worst is, i don't even trust my judgement any more. how do i know if someone loves me? how do i know if my feelings about their love are right, or if it is just wishful thinking? Sorry i am so long winded but i don't have any sort of outlet, the lonliness is so intense. should i up my medicine? my doctor said no but i can feel myself slipping, and i had just found happiness, for one month of my life i felt like i wasn't on the outside looking in.
Shrimpie
> KB:
>
> At least he bought you sushi! (Kidding...)
>
> I think Phil has a lot of wisdom to share, based as he says, on experience. He is right about everything. If the guy is messing around on you, and you permit that, then he has the upper hand, and you can't let that go on into the future as a couple that has supposedly broken up. You are going to need a lot of strength to let him go, because he WILL call you to f___ around while he's with the new woman. I guarantee it. And what are you going to say? When it happened to me, I slept with my sort-of-ex because I told myself I still loved him, and I thought his wanting sex meant he still loved me, too. I was very wrong. In fact, the reverse was true, he never loved me. If he had, he wouldn't have treated me that way... Same would hold true for your guy.
>
> It will take a while for the sting and the hurt to go away, and I'm sorry for you for that. Please write to us again, as often as you want. If you need my e-mail, I can send it...
>
> Take care of yourself,
>
> Wendy
>
>
> > Last night, over sushi, my boyfriend of 9 months dumped me. He says he met someone new and even though he loves me he doesn't think marrying me would work out - wants someone more "conventional", he says. I'm especially hurt because he's doing for this new woman something he would never do for me - be monogamous - he was seeing another woman for most of our relationship.
> >
> > I know he's a selfish jerk, but I"m still really upset -last night I cried for hours and then got drunk (I don't drink). If I had had anything worth overdosing on I probably would have.
>
>
Posted by shrimp on October 20, 2003, at 23:33:37
In reply to Re: Dumped and Depressed » KB, posted by Kar on May 28, 2002, at 16:49:10
Kar,
How do i get him out of my system when he was talking about marriage one week, in bed with someone else 3 weeks later? And i still love him, i don't know why i keep going back. He stayed with me when i was depressed, but he also made me depressed. I was wrong for having been his mistress at 24 when he was married, but i have paid for it over and over. And then i waited for 2 years for him to leave her, a year ago, he told me that he was also sleeping with his ex from college at the same time, and then hung up the phone and ignored me. I slid into a horrible depression, i had nobody, it was right after sept 11, which was in my backyard, i had just lost my job, so then i lost 35 lbs., i went down to 94 lbs., and my hair started falling out. And i was living on unemployment i had no health insurance and i couldn't afford the doctor i so desperately needed. i called him for help, and he said he couldn't talk to me because he had to go play golf, and his dad was in the car. i know this is long, but i need to tell someone. so then about 5 mos. later i went to his house and he was going out with his ex girlfriend. he left her for me, oh god, i'm still with him at this point, and then tis most recent hell, calls me on vacation after joking about marriage, sorry, after 5 years there is no joking. Then calls me in aspen to tell me how happy he is that i am gone. i come home, he tells me i have 3 days to get out of the apartment. and then leaves me there heartbroken and with excruciating shingles that i contracted after speaking to him on vacation. and now he says we can be friends, he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship, that s why he cheats he says, because he has never dated. but i know that no other girl will put up with this, he will wind up alone and calling me, and for some reason, i still have this soft spot for him, we shared such close intimate times. i poured my heart out to him, i have never been able to do that with any other guy. and now i can feel the depression returning. and i'm petrified i am going to get sick again. how do i stay away, how do i enter another relationship so damaged, how do i trust my feelings when they were so wrong? and where do i go from here? i am moving to nyc alone, and i know what a lonely place that is? will i get worse? i feel so vulnerable and i feel like my skin has been peeled off of my body.sorry so long shrimp
> KB- when I found out (from the other woman, mind you) that my boyfriend of 5 years had been cheating for the past year and a half, one of the things I discovered is how many people this has happened to! It seemed that everyone I told had their own "story"...Did you just find out about the other woman or had you already known? And did he know you knew? Whatever the answers are, what everone has said is so true. I continued to talk to this guy even after I found out; hell, I saw him many times. And it took me a long time to get him out of my system. It's hard to hear what everyone is telling you now, which is "Stay away from him!" but it's the best advice. it's good that you are mad and not all ready to forgive because that's healthy...
>
> I guess what I learned was that it really does take time- no matter what an a** someone is to you, you don't stop loving them right away. You're better than he is (this is the kind of thing that I heard after it happened to me and I knew I should believe it but didn't feel it). And you most assuredly will find someone who values you!
>
> Don't be hurt because of what he's doing for the other woman...because it's gonna happen to her too!
>
> All the best...it does get better,
> Kar
>
>
Posted by shrimp on October 20, 2003, at 23:53:47
In reply to Re: Dumped and Depressed, posted by KB on May 29, 2002, at 8:34:44
KB,
Oh,i know how that is. I cried at my new job every day all day last year. Thank god, i had a very compassionate boss. i was so thin i was starving, i couldn't walk. i am afraid of that again. I am not trying to scare you. i got over that within a year, but i was also with him again. i never cut him out of my life. Being betrayed is so awful, it's the worst feeling, you feel so dumb and so helpless, at least that is how i feel. You will be okay, it really is awful, especially if you had no idea, but this person has no integrity, that is what i am realizing now even in this horrific grief and lonliness, he is the crazy one, not me, i never deliberately hurt him or lied or cheated. You can take solace at least in the fact that you are the better person. And i am a big, big believer in karma. Try to hang in there, and you know what is proven to be the worst thing for a recovery, DWELLING. It's so hard not to, i am a big dweller, but it doesn't get you anywhere, and it keeps you from moving forward. The guy is a jerk that is it, nothing you can do or wish for will change that. Oh, how I wish i could take my own advice. i am getting the silent treatment again from him right now, i sent him an email asking him if he was interested in how my appointment
with my physician and my psychiatrist went. Guess what, no response. I keep setting myself up, hoping he will care, and i am always disappointed. now he hated me because i called while he was with this new girl, he panicked and thought i was going to come over, which i have never told him or done in the past, he told her she left, so now i have to hear his rage about losing this girl he liked. Talk about twisting the knife in my heart. But, like i said about karma....serves that bastard right. i'm tired, hang in there, let me know how you are. Oh, and one other thing, men are masters at rationalizing their own bad behavior, the things i've seen come out of my ex's mouth absolutely defy logic.shrimp
> Thank you all for your responses. I cried all day yesterday at work, but at least managed to sleep last night. We'll see how today goes.
>
> Kar, I did know about the other woman because I noticed that there were certain nights when I couldn't find him - and this is someone who takes his cell phone everywhere and when I'd ask him where he was, he'd say he was with a nameless, genderless friend. Then one day I locked myself out and needed him to let me into my house - when I told him, there was a long pause, and then he wound up explaining that he couldn't come because he was at her house!!! Then, the next day, he insisted he wasn't lying about it because he would have told me if I'd asked!!!
>
>
Posted by nickm on October 24, 2003, at 9:53:56
In reply to Re: Dumped and Depressed » Phil, posted by shrimp on October 20, 2003, at 22:58:30
I hear you, and understand your pain and feelings. I've been through similar situations, and though I've always pretended to be strong, and put up a front, I've been hurt like you when I was twenty, and later on in life, even when I was fifty six and found a woman I really thought was my soulmate.
We all have this little voice that talks about never letting go of the idealized boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, etc. The truth is, there are tons of people out there who are a better match for each of us. The monogamous view that we only have one ideal mate is false, a product of our western society, of our religious views. We are taught that we're nothing without that idealized mate.
The truth is, happiness is inside us not outside. Locus of control is important. Self-esteem must be built up.
I've gone through all the unahappiness you describe. I even wrote a novel (out next Fall) about a man who forever seeks a perfect mate, not knowing that acting like Don Quixote, seeing a Dulcinea in every woman he met, is not very healthy. King Arthur was naive, as was Sir Lancelot, as was Guiniviere. The truth is they were all humans, and each human may like and love many. The trick is how to stay faithful once you give your heart (love, soul) to one.
Fight off those low self-esteem blues, trust yourself, and accomplish a lot, and Jiminy Crickett will find the way for you. Life is a series of downfalls, with some happy moments. Make the best of the happy moments, learn to deal with the downfalls, and enjoy the journey.
Don't believe songs like "Some Enchanted Evening," unless it really hits you. If it does, enjoy it, if it doesn't work out, learn from it, and you'll grow...
With best wishes,
Nickm
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