![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 41. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sunnydays on February 25, 2007, at 21:20:52
So? I've been thinking a lot lately that I love my T - as a father, not at all sexually. I've told him I care about him, that I like him, that he means a lot to me, but never that word love. He responded well to everything else. I feel like I have to tell him. Has anyone else said the word 'love' to their T? How did they respond?
sunnydays
Posted by frida on February 25, 2007, at 21:36:45
In reply to have you ever told your T 'i love you'?, posted by sunnydays on February 25, 2007, at 21:20:52
hi..
I have...I think only twice and I did when I was really hurting or having a hard time. I wish I could tell her now.
Once I told her after a very deep, important session in which I told her something about the abuse I went through and I cried for the first time in years and she was really, really great to me. I called after the session...and said I wanted to thank her and I wanted to say that I love her very much.
The other time I also told her over the phone.
One of these times she said she loved me too and told me that we're going to work through this together...
I don't know if she'd tell me I love you too if I tell her, but she has mentioned that she loves me so I try to hang on to that.
Sometimes she mentions naturally that after all this time of course there's love between us and then continues to talk about other things.
But it's hard to bring it up and I fear rejection it's hard to be so vulnerable...but well, the times I told her this, it went well :-)
I hope it goes well, it feels so nice inside to be able to say this.
the best of luck!
frida
Posted by Dinah on February 25, 2007, at 22:00:29
In reply to have you ever told your T 'i love you'?, posted by sunnydays on February 25, 2007, at 21:20:52
Many times. In fact, it's now such a given in our relationship that it's not a hard thing to say or for him to hear. I think last time I said something like "But that's because I adore you, you idiot."
It's gone well, and always has. I used to put all the qualifiers in as to what I meant, and he put all the qualifiers in his reply. But I think we don't bother any more, because it's really not necessary.
Posted by Daisym on February 25, 2007, at 23:29:28
In reply to have you ever told your T 'i love you'?, posted by sunnydays on February 25, 2007, at 21:20:52
If someone loved you, wouldn't you want to know? It is such a nice thing to hear, especially when it comes from a deep, heartfelt place, without expectations.
And I think it is scary as hell to love your therapist because of the power it implies and the weird "rules" of the relationship. But what you feel is real, and if you want to say it, I think you should. I'm sure he'll accept it with the gentle grace he has always displayed with you.
I know it is hard to not want him to love you too -- but being allowed to love someone purely and deeply is very healing and special. So this is the gift he can give you, along with his genuine caring.
Good luck with this.
Posted by muffled on February 26, 2007, at 0:48:54
In reply to have you ever told your T 'i love you'?, posted by sunnydays on February 25, 2007, at 21:20:52
I think as far as I have gotten is 'I've gotten pretty used to you'. !!
I think I said 'I reckon I'll miss you some when you gone'.
So, guess that don't count eh?! LOL!
My T once said, 'love to you' at the end of a message. It was proly an accident on her part. But I pretended she meant it! LOL! She mostly says 'she cares bout me', that I am 'important to her'. That I am a 'good person'. That sorta stuff. Kinda what you might expect from a T I reckon...
I must annoy the CRAP outta her!!!
Posted by muffled on February 26, 2007, at 0:52:32
In reply to Re: have you ever told your T 'i love you'?, posted by muffled on February 26, 2007, at 0:48:54
Posted by antigua on February 26, 2007, at 9:28:39
In reply to have you ever told your T 'i love you'?, posted by sunnydays on February 25, 2007, at 21:20:52
yes, I've told her I love you many times and she's replied back, I love you too. As someone said, it's just a natural response after some sessions. I know she loves me and cares about me. She always gives me a hug, too, but I've found lately I don't say it and don't want the hug, so I pull away. We're having a few problems, now, and I'll try to write about them below. Mine just popped out one day and she wasn't surprised at all. almost instinctual.
go for it.
antigua
Posted by Dinah on February 26, 2007, at 10:33:45
In reply to have you ever told your T 'i love you'?, posted by sunnydays on February 25, 2007, at 21:20:52
I'm sorry. While what I said was true, I think my post may have come across as a bit flippant.
I know what a big deal it is to say it the first time, and I worked up to it in baby steps so that it wasn't any shock to either of us when I used the "L" word. And, as I said, I put in soooo many qualifiers. Both because I know some therapists haven't received much training on what to do when an opposite sex client says something like that, and because I have no real self confidence about my loveability and I didn't want to get hurt.
So I am really glad that my therapist took it well.
I really am sorry. I'm just not myself right now at all.
Posted by JoniS on February 26, 2007, at 12:18:04
In reply to have you ever told your T 'i love you'?, posted by sunnydays on February 25, 2007, at 21:20:52
Sunnydays
Thanks for asking that question. It has been something that I have struggled with too. I talk all around it, we even have had discussions about the fact that I cant say it. He knows that I love him but I just cant say it. It's REALLY scary, isn't it? My T is very strict about boundaries, so I don't expect that he will tell me that he loves me.
Joni
Posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 14:31:36
In reply to have you ever told your T 'i love you'?, posted by sunnydays on February 25, 2007, at 21:20:52
Thank you everyone for your responses. I think I will be able to say it at a later date. I just got back from today's session, and it didn't go well AT ALL. He pushed me really hard to get the adult part of me into the room as opposed to the little girl part, and it really hurt. Sometimes I wonder why I pay money to feel worse when I came out then when I went in. I wasn't doing well to begin with, which he knew, so the pushing must have had some sort of logic too it, but it didn't feel good at all. It scared me a lot. When we had to stop he said, "Nothing has changed between you and me," and asked if I believed that. I said, "Sort of", and he said listen more to the part that believes it. I just hurt so bad right now.
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 17:05:24
In reply to update, posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 14:31:36
It hurts so much. It just feels like it's all fake. He said that it probably felt like he was mad at me because his voice wasn't as soft as it is sometimes. Well now I know it's all fake, he can just sound however he wants. I thought it meant he really cared. Now I know I was being stupid again. Why did I trust him? I thought he was so nice.
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 17:45:50
In reply to ^^^please respond to the above, somebody^^^^, posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 17:05:24
Posted by gardenergirl on February 26, 2007, at 17:58:59
In reply to update, posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 14:31:36
Hi,
I can see why you didn't feel like saying it after such a hard session. It must be a bit confusing to go from feeling that love to feeling out of sorts with him. I'm sure it will flow back again to love. It sounds like you're doing hard work in therapy. That sure can take a lot out of you, and heck you're right. Who wants to pay to feel worse, eh? I've told my clients early on in the process that they might leave feeling worse than when they came in, and that was "ok" if that happened in that it's part of the process. OF course feeling worse isn't supposed to linger on for days, usually.Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent, like I have all day.
I'm sorry it was a rough session. And I was surprised to see this topic posted, since I was just thinking about it myself about my T. I don't think I've ever quite used those words, though I'm not sure. I know he would take it in the spirit they were given, because he's been pretty consistent with that over the last three (or four?) years. But it IS a big deal, and it's quite a gift from someone to say that.
Take care, sweetie. Hugs to you if that's safe.
namaste
gg
Posted by Raindancer on February 26, 2007, at 18:03:11
In reply to ^^^please respond to the above, somebody^^^^, posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 17:05:24
Hello Sunny. That must have been a really difficult session. I really can understand that as I sometimes come out of my session feeling really battered and bruised inside, and have then also had doubts about my T's caring for me at all. I think therapy can feel a bit like marriage or other very close relationships. The feelings are so intense (on both sides, though they may be different) and when each word is so important and we are so sensitive to what is happening, it can hurt a lot. At other times, when things go well and we feel deeply understood, it can feel warm and wonderful. You seem to have had a good relationship with your T and developed trust between you. It's pretty certain that he challenged you so that you might get a different perspective on things and it could be quite helpful to tell him how this made you feel. What feels like a "bad" session can often lead to greater understanding between you the next time you meet.
I have often told my T that I love him and we have had some stormy times and always seem to come through. I'm sure you will too. With warmest wishes and thoughts.
Raindancer
Posted by 10derHeart on February 26, 2007, at 18:12:52
In reply to ^^^please respond to the above, somebody^^^^, posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 17:05:24
Well, sometimes I'm don't feel I'm much of anybody, but I guess I qualify as somebody, so I can respond (shaky self-esteem day)
> It hurts so much.
I know. That hurt is part of the therapy process when we are so attached. I have been feeling so similar to this lately - super-sensitive to anything different in a session that doesn't feel 1000% gentle. Does that sound right? I know this might not help one bit, but I try to think of it as the most righteous kind of suffering. Like pain that we can bear just a tiny, tiny bit better 'cause of the flip side of the caring we get from our T's and knowing it's for a good cause = our healing and feeling better
>>It just feels like it's all fake.
But you know it's not. Maybe you are a little raw, too close in time after the session? I believe from reading your threads that this T. is anything but fake and cares so much about you.
>> He said that it probably felt like he was mad at me because his voice wasn't as soft as it is sometimes.
Yup. Got that one. I can tear up and become even younger of a little girl in there if my T. even slightly uses those kinds of tones. Some days worse than others, but it always bothers me to some degree. Notice he said "felt like" - that's important, I think. He's telling you he absolutely wasn't mad. It's pretty great he recognizes that enough to comment on it, though? Sounds sensitive to what you're going through.
>> Well now I know it's all fake, he can just sound however he wants.
Maybe just because he can use a stronger, firm tone of voice doesn't mean anything about the other one, the soft one? Like when I love someone, and I get angry and speak louder, more harshly, that doesn't mean a thing about how much I love them after that. Just as much - zero change. Both strong emotions can exist in the same relationship and both are authentic and real.
I struggle with this stuff constantly, so I really hear you, sunny. My T. must constantly remind me he's not mad, that his tones might only be to change the topic, redirect things, or access the adult part, like you said. I don't really like it much, either. But I'm trying.
>> I thought it meant he really cared.
What? Using the soft voice? It did, it will and he does. I'm sure of it.
>> Now I know I was being stupid again. Why did I trust him? I thought he was so nice.
No way. It's never stupid to care, love and let someone in who cares about you. Getting spooked and having a session that doesn't leave you feeling as warm as you'd like is NOT stupid, just scary. His tone scared part(s) of you, didn't it? I know it would have scared me.
You can still trust him. He is nice. Think of all the evidence to show that you're shared with us here.
Maybe you can call him and say how upset the tone made you? I know calling is hard, but if it continues to feel bad, think about it. Don't I remember him being okay with phone calls before?
Hang in there. This will pass. Don't forget about our reliable friend, distraction. Anything to keep engaged so you don't have time to ruminate too much on this. Post some more, if it's helping.
((((sunny)))
Posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 18:17:07
In reply to Re: update » sunnydays, posted by gardenergirl on February 26, 2007, at 17:58:59
> Hi,
> I can see why you didn't feel like saying it after such a hard session. It must be a bit confusing to go from feeling that love to feeling out of sorts with him. I'm sure it will flow back again to love.**** I know it will. It's just anger is so so scary for me, so being angry with the person that I had been feeling closest to is even more scary. I'm so afraid that I did something horribly wrong.
It sounds like you're doing hard work in therapy. That sure can take a lot out of you, and heck you're right. Who wants to pay to feel worse, eh? I've told my clients early on in the process that they might leave feeling worse than when they came in, and that was "ok" if that happened in that it's part of the process. OF course feeling worse isn't supposed to linger on for days, usually.
***** Yeah. I've been doing therapy for two years now, so I've had plenty of times I've felt worse. But I just feel so hurt right now. I think I remember you're a T -- can you really adjust your voice so it sounds how you want it? And if you're less warm one day, does that mean that you're mad at the client or something?
>
> Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent, like I have all day.
>*** That's ok, I like tangents.
> Take care, sweetie. Hugs to you if that's safe.
*** Thanks gg.sunnydays
Posted by JoniS on February 26, 2007, at 18:17:26
In reply to ^^^please respond to the above, somebody^^^^, posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 17:05:24
> It hurts so much. It just feels like it's all fake. He said that it probably felt like he was mad at me because his voice wasn't as soft as it is sometimes. Well now I know it's all fake, he can just sound however he wants. I thought it meant he really cared. Now I know I was being stupid again. Why did I trust him? I thought he was so nice.
>
> sunnydaysSunnydays,
It's not all fake! You are hurting and understandably so, but he does care about you, it's obvious from your previous posts and how you've described some of your sessions. Your T is very strict about boundaries, and they aren't as wide as some of the other T's whose clients have posted here. You have to be honest about your progress and know that it has not been fake.
I will just tell you that even though my T has strict boundaries too, he wouldn't push me when I was already down. I think that is a little odd. It could indicate that he has feelings he's not comfortable discussing. Another thing to think about is that Ts are human too, and unfortunately, they can (and do) make mistakes even when we are fragile.
When I think back about the times that I didn't feel well connected with my T, I realize that often he was distracted with whatever was going on in his life. (not that he should get distracted, but he is human)
Please take care of yourself. Do something for YOU! Relaxing bath with candles and music - all by yourself, or read a good book or ... you know what you like.
God's comfort and blessings to you :)
JoniS
Posted by wishingstar on February 26, 2007, at 18:49:39
In reply to Re: ^^^please respond to the above, somebody^^^^, posted by JoniS on February 26, 2007, at 18:17:26
Hi sunny.. I'm a bit brain-fried right now so just a brief response..
Your experience today reminded me of what happened with me a few weeks ago with my T. I went in feeling pretty bad and really, really needing her to be warm and gentle and caring, as she usually is. Instead, she pushed pretty hard on a certain topic and I left feeling unheard and uncared for. Similar to how you're feeling, I think. We talked about it later though, and I'll tell you what she said, because I think it might be similar to whats happening with your T too. She said that she realized she'd started following her own agenda rather than mine that session and knew she was pushing, but she knew how badly I was hurting and she just felt like she had to do SOMETHING to fix it. She said she knew that was more her issue than mine, but she said she just hates it and she worries about me when I'm feeling that bad, and so she let her "fix it" mentality take over. Instead of fixing it though it just made me defend myself, pull away, and feel hurt.
I doubt your T changed his voice on purpose. I think he is probably genuinely worried and wants to help you, and just went about it in the wrong way. I imagine its difficult to be a T and sit back and watch week after week as people feel so terrible, so occasionally maybe they just forget that slow is better.
I dont think it means he doesnt care about you. But I do understand how it can feel scary and as if thats whats happening. If you can, try to bring it up at your next session. He may not even realize how he came off, but I think its important for him to know. Try and comfort yourself a little this evening. You havent lost him.
Posted by Dinah on February 26, 2007, at 19:40:41
In reply to Re: update, posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 18:17:07
I've had the same sort of experience. And oddly enough it was often after a therapy break. I'd accuse him of going to a seminar during his vacation and learning some new thing that he thought would help me but that WAS NOT HELPING.
I think *maybe* that they come off the break with a new resolve to help, or something like that. Didn't your therapist just have a vacation?
Although the same sort of thing happened just recently, when he was really concerned about me and was pushing me to do what he thought was best, or was angry with me for doing something he didn't think was good for me. So maybe he has some special reason to feel concerned?
I think that I react badly to that sort of thing. I'm not sure if that hurts me therapeutically, but I know he says I "bite", and to some extent he doesn't push me as much as he would if I didn't get angry. Sometimes maybe it would be good for me to be pushed more.
But still, it hurts going in expecting one thing and getting another. And it's worse because therapy is so one sided that we don't always know *why*.
It doesn't mean that he cares about you any less. Just that for some reason, he's expressing that caring differently.
(I'm not sure of the therapeutic value of this, but I'm hoping that he'll go back to "normal" soon so that you'll have the therapist you expect.)
And as always, it's good to talk about it with him, and you might gain an insight into what he's thinking.
Posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 20:28:08
In reply to Re: ^^^please respond to the above, somebody^^^^, posted by Raindancer on February 26, 2007, at 18:03:11
> Hello Sunny. That must have been a really difficult session. I really can understand that as I sometimes come out of my session feeling really battered and bruised inside, and have then also had doubts about my T's caring for me at all.
**** Bruised is just how I feel. I so wanted him to be gentle today, it was what got me out of bed (among other things... I'm really responsible so I've never actually not gotten out of bed). And to not have that hurt.
I think therapy can feel a bit like marriage or other very close relationships. The feelings are so intense (on both sides, though they may be different) and when each word is so important and we are so sensitive to what is happening, it can hurt a lot. At other times, when things go well and we feel deeply understood, it can feel warm and wonderful. You seem to have had a good relationship with your T and developed trust between you. It's pretty certain that he challenged you so that you might get a different perspective on things and it could be quite helpful to tell him how this made you feel.
**** I know. I already sent him one email, and I'll probably send him another tonight. He said that he was trying to get me to consider more the adult side of me. But it still hurts.
What feels like a "bad" session can often lead to greater understanding between you the next time you meet.
**** Yeah, it has once before. But it's so so hard. Thanks Raindancer.
sunnydays
Posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 20:37:17
In reply to Re: ^^^please respond to the above, somebody^^^^ » sunnydays, posted by 10derHeart on February 26, 2007, at 18:12:52
> Well, sometimes I'm don't feel I'm much of anybody, but I guess I qualify as somebody, so I can respond (shaky self-esteem day)
**** You're somebody. And much of anybody, too! I was so happy to see your post.
>
> > It hurts so much.
>
> I know. That hurt is part of the therapy process when we are so attached. I have been feeling so similar to this lately - super-sensitive to anything different in a session that doesn't feel 1000% gentle. Does that sound right?***** Exactly. I so wanted gentle, and I just couldn't get it. It felt like he was teasing me almost, although I know it wasn't his intention. Because when he said, "It might feel that way because my voice isn't as soft as sometimes", he said the word soft in that voice. It just felt like he could have given it to me but was purposely not.
I know this might not help one bit, but I try to think of it as the most righteous kind of suffering. Like pain that we can bear just a tiny, tiny bit better 'cause of the flip side of the caring we get from our T's and knowing it's for a good cause = our healing and feeling better
**** Yeah, that's a good way of thinking about it.
>
> >>It just feels like it's all fake.
>
> But you know it's not. Maybe you are a little raw, too close in time after the session? I believe from reading your threads that this T. is anything but fake and cares so much about you.
>**** Yeah, deep down I know he cares, but it's so hard to feel that right now.
> >> He said that it probably felt like he was mad at me because his voice wasn't as soft as it is sometimes.
>
> Yup. Got that one. I can tear up and become even younger of a little girl in there if my T. even slightly uses those kinds of tones. Some days worse than others, but it always bothers me to some degree.*** Yeah. I can actually talk so much more I think, when he uses that voice.
Notice he said "felt like" - that's important, I think. He's telling you he absolutely wasn't mad. It's pretty great he recognizes that enough to comment on it, though? Sounds sensitive to what you're going through.
***** Yeah. I guess. He did say, when I said, "It feels like you're mad at me," that he wasn't mad, and it was in that soft voice. So I heard it and I believe it to a degree.
>
> >> Well now I know it's all fake, he can just sound however he wants.
>
> Maybe just because he can use a stronger, firm tone of voice doesn't mean anything about the other one, the soft one? Like when I love someone, and I get angry and speak louder, more harshly, that doesn't mean a thing about how much I love them after that. Just as much - zero change. Both strong emotions can exist in the same relationship and both are authentic and real.**** I have a hard time with that. Just like with any other people. I have a hard time believing someone can be angry at me and still like me. Not that he's angry.
>
> I struggle with this stuff constantly, so I really hear you, sunny. My T. must constantly remind me he's not mad, that his tones might only be to change the topic, redirect things, or access the adult part, like you said. I don't really like it much, either. But I'm trying.**** Yeah, me too. It just feels like I can't try much harder sometimes, so it's hard when he pushes. Because how much more can I give?
>
> >> I thought it meant he really cared.
>
> What? Using the soft voice? It did, it will and he does. I'm sure of it.**** Thank you. Thank you.
>
> >> Now I know I was being stupid again. Why did I trust him? I thought he was so nice.
>
> No way. It's never stupid to care, love and let someone in who cares about you. Getting spooked and having a session that doesn't leave you feeling as warm as you'd like is NOT stupid, just scary. His tone scared part(s) of you, didn't it? I know it would have scared me.**** Yeah, it scared the little girl part of me a lot. I'm afraid he's going to leave.
>
> You can still trust him. He is nice. Think of all the evidence to show that you're shared with us here.**** Yeah. It's just hard to remember that now.
>
> Maybe you can call him and say how upset the tone made you? I know calling is hard, but if it continues to feel bad, think about it. Don't I remember him being okay with phone calls before?**** Yeah, I prefer email though, so I'll do that. I get too scared of bothering him if I call, although that's just my fears.
>
> Hang in there. This will pass. Don't forget about our reliable friend, distraction. Anything to keep engaged so you don't have time to ruminate too much on this. Post some more, if it's helping.**** Yeah, I've been watching sitcoms all night. That helped. But sometime soon (hopefully tomorrow morning) I have to be able to do work again for school.
sunnydays
Posted by frida on February 26, 2007, at 20:39:47
In reply to Re: ^^^please respond to the above, somebody^^^^ » Raindancer, posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 20:28:08
Hi..
I am sorry you are hurting..
I so understand how you feel..Whenever my T stops being warm and caring the way she usually is I panic and start feeling she doesn't care...It's a horrible feeling.
She has pushed me hard sometimes, when inside I feel like a little girl who wants love and comfort and not hard words...
but it doesn't mean the love and warmth go away...
it's out of caring too...
I know it's hard to feel it, but the times it has happened, I've talked it through with my T and she explained to me why she treated me in a certain way or pushed me hard and I understood it was because she truly cares and wanted me to react, even though it hurt.Your T doesn't stop caring....it's hard, and painful, when they push us hard and we need safe love but it doesn't mean they don't love us anymore.
Hard sessions are horrible, it will be ok, you will discuss this with him and he will make you feel safe again...
I know it hurts a lot, when it happens I lose all sense of safety...but it will be ok...
love,
Frida
Posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 20:40:37
In reply to Re: ^^^please respond to the above, somebody^^^^, posted by JoniS on February 26, 2007, at 18:17:26
> It's not all fake! You are hurting and understandably so, but he does care about you, it's obvious from your previous posts and how you've described some of your sessions.
*** Thanks, I know he does, deep down. It's just hard right now.
Your T is very strict about boundaries, and they aren't as wide as some of the other T's whose clients have posted here. You have to be honest about your progress and know that it has not been fake.
***** Umm... actually, I think he's pretty open. He lets me email him more than once a day if I need to and always replies at least a couple words to say he got it. And I can call. But yeah, I do know it's not fake. It's just hard right now.
>
> I will just tell you that even though my T has strict boundaries too, he wouldn't push me when I was already down. I think that is a little odd. It could indicate that he has feelings he's not comfortable discussing. Another thing to think about is that Ts are human too, and unfortunately, they can (and do) make mistakes even when we are fragile.***** I think he had valid therapeutic reasons. The problem is, I've been feeling bad for a long time, so I think he's trying to think of a different angle to go about working on some issues.
>
> When I think back about the times that I didn't feel well connected with my T, I realize that often he was distracted with whatever was going on in his life. (not that he should get distracted, but he is human)**** I doubt that's it, just because I saw him Friday as well, so unless something came up over the weekend. He was gentle on Friday.
>
> Please take care of yourself. Do something for YOU! Relaxing bath with candles and music - all by yourself, or read a good book or ... you know what you like.
>*** Thanks, I'll try.
Posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 20:44:35
In reply to Re: ^^^please respond to the above, somebody^^^^, posted by wishingstar on February 26, 2007, at 18:49:39
> Your experience today reminded me of what happened with me a few weeks ago with my T. I went in feeling pretty bad and really, really needing her to be warm and gentle and caring, as she usually is. Instead, she pushed pretty hard on a certain topic and I left feeling unheard and uncared for. Similar to how you're feeling, I think. We talked about it later though, and I'll tell you what she said, because I think it might be similar to whats happening with your T too. She said that she realized she'd started following her own agenda rather than mine that session and knew she was pushing, but she knew how badly I was hurting and she just felt like she had to do SOMETHING to fix it. She said she knew that was more her issue than mine, but she said she just hates it and she worries about me when I'm feeling that bad, and so she let her "fix it" mentality take over. Instead of fixing it though it just made me defend myself, pull away, and feel hurt.
>***** Yeah, I think he might have been trying to figure out another way to go about adressing some issues. And he thought that maybe talking softly let me connect to the little girl part too much. He was trying to get me to stay an adult.
> I doubt your T changed his voice on purpose. I think he is probably genuinely worried and wants to help you, and just went about it in the wrong way. I imagine its difficult to be a T and sit back and watch week after week as people feel so terrible, so occasionally maybe they just forget that slow is better.
**** Well, he did comment on it, so I feel like he could have changed his voice to being soft again if he wanted to. Because he said the word soft in that soft voice. But yeah, even though I was crying and he knew I thought he was mad at me, I don't think he quite realized how badly it was affecting me because I wasn't able to say much.
>
> I dont think it means he doesnt care about you. But I do understand how it can feel scary and as if thats whats happening. If you can, try to bring it up at your next session. He may not even realize how he came off, but I think its important for him to know. Try and comfort yourself a little this evening. You havent lost him.
***** Yeah, I'm sure it will come up, since I see him Wednesday. And I emailed him already, so it's in there too.sunnydays
Posted by Dinah on February 26, 2007, at 20:46:30
In reply to update, posted by sunnydays on February 26, 2007, at 14:31:36
My therapist would never say that about adult parts and young parts, or about any parts at all. He understands the implications of it.
But other therapists have said that sort of thing, and they didn't understand the implications. I didn't care about them, so I was able to walk away.
He means a lot to you. Maybe it's worth explaining the meaning to him of what he's asking. Maybe he just doesn't understand.
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