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Re: helllllllllllllooooooooooooo?

Posted by alexandra_k on May 21, 2009, at 0:49:50

In reply to helllllllllllllooooooooooooo?, posted by alexandra_k on May 21, 2009, at 0:34:36

its funny how people cringe from me sometimes.
like when i gave one p-doc this paper i wrote
as a kind of farewell gift
he looked... horrified... that i was trying to give him something
and then... apologetic... once he realized what it was.
or maybe apologetic after seeing my despondancy and numbness
realizing that was not required.

i remember our first meeting.
the streets loop round and i'd got myself lost
tried to show you the map so you could tell me which direction to leave in
and same thing again... horrified... i wasn't quite sure what it was
i was standing too close?
i was blocking the door?
realized the futility and backed away...
just left

i think we fight a little over who gets to be closest to the door

i kinda cringe at our meeting ritual.
its kinda awkward and i wish i could fall through the floor.
think it is something about being vulnerable.
arriving. then waiting.
you can't see me too early because then i'd just arrive earlier.
i can't risk being late so i'm going to be early
so its kinda weird.

bus arrives 20 minutes before session on friday
nobody else in the clinic yet
they don't start arriving until we are getting near the end
that used to freak me out
(freaked me out first time)
but its okay now
kinda awkward
but okay.
when its really cold i hang round the door a little
waiting for you to arrive
but then its kinda weird when you turn off the security stuff
and just kinda sitting there in the waiting room
hearing you move around what is basically a house
morning rituals
feels slightly obscene somehow
i don't know

maybe because it is like waiting to go into a bedroom
'cause that is what it is essentially
only its not

i project disgust, huh

maybe my biggest fear is that others will see me
how i see me
how i see others
i wish i didn't have all these feelings
i'm sorry
i'm so ashamed.

you got me once.
don't know how you did it
i just reached for the door handle
and there you were opening it from the inside
somehow or other that actually turned out okay
i was too surprised (in a happy way) to feel embarrassed
can't even look at you usually
i'm sorry
i'm so ashamed.




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poster:alexandra_k thread:896926