Posted by Estella on August 5, 2006, at 1:27:07
In reply to Re: .., posted by Estella on August 4, 2006, at 6:05:24
I can ramble on.
I don't feel so good.
Not surprising after my last announcement:
'I think my father saw me as a parasite'.
I don't think he saw me as a parasite.
It was more that my mother would scream at him anytime he came anywhere near me
And so... Like a dog and a tone and a shock...
He developed an aversion / fear of me.
That is probably why he wished I was a boy
Not just the 'carry on the family name' nonsense
More around the 'people might look at me funny if my daughter visits me and stays over' kind of thing.
My mother developed a fear that people were going to sexually abuse me too
Because one of my older sisters told her that uncle whoever had been sexually abusing her for a number of years when she was all grown up
And so mother was... Well... Maybe thats partly why I got locked away.
And we didn't exactly live in the nicest of neighborhoods after my dad left.
So... He didn't know what to do with me
Didn't know how to be
Was a little afraid of me
Was avoidant in general
I'm avoidant too
I understand that one.
I remember feeling fairly protective of him when I was little
Like he needed someone to look after him
I wished I could look after him
I wished I could make him smile
Make him be happy
I was happy when he left because...
He seemed happier then
Happier without my mother...
I know it isn't personal.
But that doesn't stop it hurting...
Needs don't get met
And it hurts
People say... That people have the right to be loved
But rights entail duties
Who has the duty to love us?
You can't order or instruct someone to love another person
You can't say someone 'should' love another person.
But what is love anyway?
Loving acts... (behaviours)
I don't think I got either.
Did I reject my mother...
Apparantly she is good with babies
It is just when they develop a will of their own
My first word was no
no no no no no no no
Apparantly that isn't uncommon
But I think it is testament to how invaded I felt
I always felt invaded by her
She wanted me to be a reflection of her
And moods... Intense moods... Are catchy.
Borderline apparantly. Borderline mother.
I'm the one with the dx
Though not any more.
Are clinicians more likely to work with BPD or DID
Most had an aversion to borderline me...
Not borderline... That was imperative
For me to ensure I corrected their initial misconceptions
Their initial conceptions
I don't do that
I don't do that
I don't think that either...
I'm not borderline
Please work with me
And I'll just... Push it down... Push it down... And never say a word... Never say anything that smacks of BPD and then... You might look at me and smile.
God. They made me worse.
But really... Without them...
I would have been worse
I just needed...
Someone to work with me
Someone I got on with
Someone I could talk to
Just neeed a little help
And round and round and round we go...