Posted by alexandra_k on April 25, 2005, at 19:54:17
In reply to Re: Crap crap crap » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on April 25, 2005, at 18:11:08
> You are so incredibly brave, and I am so immensely proud to be your friend and to know you.
And you Damos. I feel the same way about you. I was staggered by your openness and honesty with what you shared over on social about this. And over on social! I have to admit that I bring stuff over here because of the smaller audience. Maybe it is just the illusion of a smaller audience, but things feel smaller and more intimate and private over here than on social.
> What you don't know about me is that for the last 9 years I have shared a house with a woman who MS (Multiple Sclerosis) and am now essentially her de-facto carer.You never came right out and said that but you have said that you lived with a woman with MS before. So I kind of figured that part of it...
Wow Damos.
Really.I digress...
But this is sort of (sort of) relevant (I think).I got on really great with one of my teachers at high school. English was my favourite subject and we had to journal. I used to pour my guts out in my journal. Write poems and short stories and philosophical rambellings. I used to go and talk to her as well. About how sh*tty my life was etc etc. Eventually... (once I was 16) she told me that she had feelings for me. I told her that I had feelings for her too (and after some thought I made that conscious decision - and then, well, then I really did believe it was true.) She was in a relationship with another woman (who was very sick) but they were fighting and stuff. And she would leave and come and get me and we would go and stay at a motel. That happened a few times. Her partner confronted her (realising she was pretty distracted) and she 'fessed up. Her partner started writing letters to the school. Giving them to kids to hand in to the office on their way to the school. Ringing the school pretending to be a concerned parent. Ringing my house and threatening (anonymously) to do drive-bys etc etc. The school found out (funnily enough) and everyone at school found out. I had to leave - and she did too. She managed to get a job at another school. She managed to get home and get some stuff. But the upshot was that she lost her job her house most of her stuff - most of everything for me. We moved in together. I was with her for 4 years.
She got pretty controlling. Jealous I suppose. She didn't like me hanging with my friends (admittedly we used to drink and drug and do 'kid stuff). After a while I was just home and school, home and school. But she helped me return to finish my last year (at another school) so I could go to uni which was what I most wanted to do. But I really don't think I could have done that on my own.
She helped me through my first year at uni. Proofreading my work etc. After the first 6 months... I realised that I didn't love her 'like that'. I had never wanted to touch her in that way. Kissing was ok. But that was all. But after 6 months I didn't even like that anymore. I didn't mind her touching me. But after a while I didn't even really like that. But she had given up everything for me. And I felt so bad, so very bad that I didn't feel that way about her. I thought there was somthing really very wrong with me that I couldn't feel that way about her. I guess she realised this - and that was why she turned controlling and didn't like me going out. Because she was worried I would meet someone else and realise that I felt that way about them and then I would leave her.
(Maybe thats what your 'partner' realises and is afraid of with you. Maybe thats why she feels so insecure and calls all the time and doesn't like you having a life apart from her).
Eventually... Eventually... I couldn't get out of bed in the morning and I ended up in hospital with a major depressive episode. I couldn't tell anyone what was going on for me because the nurses were giving my partner a hard time about being with me already. And if I had told anyone how I felt (even my t) then she would have written it in my file and the nurses would have told my partner or maybe even showed her. And I made the decision that I would NEVER tell her that I didn't reciprocate those feelings because she had given up EVERYTHING for me.
I was sick for a long time. In hospital more than out for about 2 years. In hindsight hospital was preferable than attempting to keep up the charade at home. Death was preferable to having to tell her the truth. I felt so very guilty. And eventually (what I most wanted I suppose) she couldn't handle being with me anymore and she asked me to move out. And I did - into supported accomodation. I was so totally afraid that I wouldn't be able to do varsity without her. I would panic about not doing very well and end up back in hospital with compassionate withdrawals. Eventually I made it through a semester part time and got marks in the 90's. I COULD do it without her. Wow. But it almost killed me. Literally.
And that is a ramble...
And in hindsight...
It was just the same thing as with those guys.
I didn't see it that way at the time
But I see it that way now.
And wow.
I have never told anybody that before.((((Damos))))
Wow. I don't know what to say.
You are so very caring
So very caring
To do that for someone.
But...
But...
It is too much.
You do deserve true love
And I really do believe that it IS possible for you.
You have given up yourself.
Your life.
And you do deserve a life.
And you are capable of having one.
But it is a sh*t of a situation.
(((Damos)))
Hon.
I don't know what to say.
Except that - we are here for you.
Really.
We are here.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:489108
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050419/msgs/489438.html