Posted by Damos on April 25, 2005, at 20:21:00
In reply to Re: Crap crap crap » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on April 25, 2005, at 19:54:17
Thank you so much for sharing that with I know it can't have been easy. You are so very kind and so very deeply beautiful. My love, respect and admiration for you just continues to grow.
It is immensely difficult to love and care for someone who can make it so terribly hard to even like them, and who can be mercilessly cruel at times. Watching her become more and more disabled isn't easy either. She is also 11 years older than me just for the record. She has also been beaten by previous partners and her ex husband was a violent alcoholic. Somehow I have never been hospitalised, more by luck than good management I think but I know that my chronic long cycling depression has begun to cycle more rapidly in recent years.
I guess the hardest part is that while she's been getting worse I've been working on myself like over on social and growing in many ways. Still struggling on many fronts but feeling things changing inside.
One of the reasons I don't have a computer at home now is that she used to stand over me when I was on it which was almost never and I actually caught her listening to a phone call once - from my boss, I mean really. But I still care about this person and what happens to her despite all this. I'm getting better at pushing back but feel guilty for wanting to live.
Another thing I haven't told anyone is that the last time I did 'it' it left me feeling so cheap and used and worthless and dirty that I rushed out and threw up repeatedly and then just sat in the shower for what seemed like hours. And this was with the woman I had almost had a child with. I told her I had a stomach upset - I can be really pathetic when I want to be. A week later I happened across her at it with someone else. It was a bit hard not to since they were in the lounge room when I came home. It was about that time that I realised that I meant absolutely nothing to anyone.
Sorry to ramble.
((((((((((Alex))))))))))
poster:Damos
thread:489108
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050419/msgs/489450.html