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Re: Now I'm obsessing

Posted by Racer on April 30, 2006, at 14:59:33

In reply to Now I'm obsessing, posted by TexasChic on April 30, 2006, at 14:31:29

Hey, TC -- I have to admit, I didn't have time to read the whole thing just now, but a couple of thoughts that I had from what I did read:

The biggest one is that you probably weren't discussed, because -- this is a general statement, NOT a reflection on you -- you probably aren't really important enough to any of these chicks for them to bother with when there are men around. Honestly -- they probably giggle in a nasty way about you in the ladies room when they've just done something to you, and probably did exclude you and snicker about that when they first did it -- and then forgot you existed.

And yes, I do feel this sort of behavior, because I have had it done to me, and I know it hurts beyond belief -- and that it hurts more to know that the people who have hurt me so badly don't really know that I exist! Sometimes it helps me a bit to think in terms of Object Permanence, Borderline, etc -- "they can't conceive of me having any OP, because they are not developed adequately to do so..." Doesn't help much.

What does help, though, is reminding myself when I start to get upset, "This is my reaction. They probably aren't talking about me behind my back, because they probably can't remember that I exist long enough to do so. And if they are talking about me behind my back, and saying terrible things, it really doesn't hurt me. It's my imagination thinking of what they're saying that hurts me." Does that make sense? It's not thinking in words, you know...

Anyway, the other thing is that yes, these girls are excluding you, and that sucks, and CuteBoy has been sucked into it. That doesn't mean that he's taking one side or another between you, though. It means that he's taking HIS OWN SIDE. Which is what all of us should be able to do.

It's unfortunate that he used the phrase "over reacting." That is a ridiculous comment, in most cases. What is true, though, is that your reaction is much more apparent to others than you think. Those children know they're getting to you, which is why they keep doing it. The best thing you can do for yourself AND for the office as a whole is to find a way to respond effectively. How you do that will vary, according to your own self-confidence, personality, temperament, etc. I am terrible at that, so I would probably have a breakdown. I don't recommend that option, though...

My advice? First, take a look around you, with the emotions held in check. Who are these children really friends with? Of the rest, who is interesting enough to you for you to invite to lunch? Take an active role, and ask someone out for lunch. Ignore the children, don't look longingly at the play groups, just focus on getting to know other people in your environment whom you might find interesting. Invite two or three of them out for lunch at a time, and do invite women more than men. (lots of reasons for that...) The more contact you have with others WITHOUT ANY REFERENCE TO THE IDIOT CHILDREN, the less power anyone will have to isolate you.

And, in the course of all this redirecting of your focus, include CuteBoy in lunches. "Hey, AccountantLady and I are getting Chinese for lunch, wanna come?" Just -- keep things easy.

Also, life advice here: this is work, not life, so find other things to make a life out of. Take a community education class one evening a week -- ceramics, yoga, car repair, whatever. Just something that interests you and helps you keep work in perspective.

I hope you feel better about this situation soon. Or that the IC grow clues very soon...


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