Posted by Damos on May 24, 2005, at 17:56:09
In reply to Re: thank you » Damos, posted by sunny10 on May 24, 2005, at 8:00:41
It's never TMI Sunny, never.
Your still being hurt by the surgery thing still doesn't excuse his actions and reactions, not by a long. It's a convenient out for him is all. It's a major life decision and I can only imagine what I'd be feeling about a choice to have a vasectomy in your situation. All on its own it's enough to have you off balance and out of kilter and you've got all this other stuff piled up on top as well. Give yourself a break. A little bit of support isn't too much to ask.
Arrggghhh. I know what you mean about the tv thing, I feel like such a idiot when every single thing sets me off and I can't stop it.
Hmmm, not knowing how to be. There's a familiar sentiment. Buddhists would say not to think about being - just be. But it's easier said than done. Trust me I know. I've spent most of my nearly 41 years being for everyone else to the point of completely loosing any sense of me. As hard as it is to do, just let go. Stopping working so hard at remembering all the things you've been told and taught and trying to act and react accordingly. It's all post fact and artificial. When you find yourself getting off balance and stuff try and take three long slow breaths in through your nose right down deep into your abdomen and let them out with a long slow sigh and let the tension around what's happening go with it. It's only in this silence that you can hear your true self. Don't think, be. Remember that being responsible is really be response - able. Able to choose our response to any situation. We don't have to just react. I fail at this regularly but am getting better with time and practice. I now consiousl choose not to beat myself up as my first response to every situation that goes skewif. You may have noticed that my posting has really tailored off in recent times, well that has a lot to do with trusting myself and how I feel about how I'm coming across to people. If you're worried about they way you question ask your co-workers to tell you and not just the ones you like. It can be confronting but it can also dispell some myths. At least it did when I did it. I just told them I was trying to work on my communication skills and would appreciate them giving me their honest feedback. Most people are pretty good about.
Now see the difference between you and my roomy is that she knows she does it and how if effects people and she doesn't care. She does it with everyone and can't understand people's reaction to her. You, on the other hand, recognise that you may do it, are concerned by the effect it has on you and others and genuinely want to do soething about it. Huge difference. Sunny, it's hard to change the habits of a lifetime. Creating new habits is easy as. Breaking old ones is a bugger - smoking is the classic example. So give yourself time. I've only started to see changes in myself in the last 2 years and they're tiny and I haven't been through a zillionth of what you have. It's hard and you fall flat on your face a dozen times a day but when your intent is clear it becomes okay. You'd be surpirsed but I honestly believe that the universe does conspire to bring you what you need. Sometimes the trick is to realise it and accept it. It often takes the form of simple synchronicity like you've got this question that's bugging you and out the blue someone will appear who gives you something that helps you find the answer. Now that I'm open to the possibility, I find it happens more and more. So you're not like my roomy and you should absolutely keep trying and even if you have to preface every conversation with an "I'm learning to communicate better" thing then so what. Whatever works to get you what and where you want to be and doesn;t compromise you or others. Trust me Sunny there are a thousand times a day when I don't want to be me either.
You are not horrible. Not by any stretch of the imagination. No more so than I am despite what each of us think. The single biggest change I've made in my life is this one. I am fallible, messed up, difficult at times, negative and uncommunicative etc, etc. But I am not bad, or horrible. I'm not. And neither are you. We hold this truth to be self evident. I can actually remember stopping mud sentance in a meeting because I realised I had just let an opportunity to be negative about myself slide by without comment. It was a real shock - so much so that I competely lost track of everything else for a few minutes. After the meeting a couple of others told me that they'd noticed the change in my way of speaking about myself too. Weird, really weird. So I'm living proof it can happen. Please don't give up on yourself. You don't need to be someone for others to like you. It's terrible not being able to see that who you are is okay - I know. I know what it's like to have been made wrong by everyone your whole life too. It's like you need to put the old brain through a car wash to get all the crud off.
Please don't retreat back into yourself Sunny, whether you realise it or not you're making progress, real progress. You might not see it but it's there. It just takes time for things to build up momentum and for the new picture to emerge. Think of a 10,000 piece jigsaw - it takes a lot of pieces to be in place before the picture emerges. Life changes are the same, a little here, a little there and eventually you can actually start to see something and then you can't wait to finish the rest.
I'm stuggling to make my changes in a relatively calm and normal environment. You are trying to make yours amid all kinds of turmoil so give yourself time okay.
Love ya kiddo and thank you again for sharing. You are helping me be better person too you know.
Damos
poster:Damos
thread:496008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050513/msgs/502390.html